Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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looks like one of my sister in laws!!

Which one?

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.
One day She goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She announces, "I want to join your club."

The biker is amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. He asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep my bike's parked over there,"
and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies,
"Yep like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" little old lady replies, "Yep
smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a c ouple of cigars in
the evening
when I'm shootin' pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question. Have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute andreplies, "Nope but
I've been swung around by the nipples once or twice".

The biker say's, "You're In."

Originally Posted by roofcam

Which one?

the fat one of course!!

A guy goes in and robs a bank. On the way out he confronts a bank customer, and asks him, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man says, "Yes", and the robber shoots him. The robber, nearing the door, confronts another bank customer, and also asks him, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replies, "No, but my wife did".

Did ya hear about the two crooks that stole a calender??? They each got six months!!!

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and
then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are
from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M . to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we
stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

A letter to the Minister for the HOME OFFICE UK

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in
1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I
have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with
contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am
watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the
government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will
keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one
with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on
my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and
all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the
electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our
lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead
on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was
Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if
that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you
and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then
you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of
Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want
to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get
another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to
the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to
have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make
sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with
our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on
the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile
in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years
at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which
allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime
Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been
doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the
Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am --
you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen

Achmed the Arab came to North America from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, sh*t in de bocket,
p*ss on de sh*t, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, sh*t in the bucket,
p*ssed on the sh*t, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.



The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.



Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."



The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"



Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ' Turn around '.

A credible tale?

One day long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch........


But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just one day.

The End

Here's an oldie but a goodie,
my uncle told us this one when we were little kids.

"what has 1000 teeth and eats wieners?"...........a zipper!

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,
"Oh dear, I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
"Put a new battery in your hearing aid," he replied.

Why don't we iron four leaf clovers?

We don't want to press our luck.

I know....it sucks!