Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced
to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around,
went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to
diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further
announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started
catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started
going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey,
let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has
collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man
returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all
the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant ever again; only
monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market
works.

Check the tire please !!

For all of you with sons, grandsons, or who just love
the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words
are often taken literally....

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up.'

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

A man was walking home alone one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...



BUMP...




BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...




BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...





BUMP...





BUMP...




BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping





clappity-BUMP. ..




clappity-BUMP. ..




clappity-BUMP. ..





on his heels, the terrified man runs.




Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...















and,








(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The Coffin Stops!!!

That joke is so lame, it's funny!

I agree.....just wanted to get everyone in the halloween spirit.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:


In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces.



In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or
fermenting.


Remember:


Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.


Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing
it as a public service

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is
at work.
> Her nine year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides
in the bedroom
> closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes
home. She puts
> her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
already in there.
>
> >> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> >> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
>
> >> Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
>
> >> Man: 'That 's nice.'
>
> >> Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
>
> >> Man: 'No, thanks.'
>
> >> Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
>
> >> Man: 'OK, how much?'
>
> >> Boy: '$250.'
>
> Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find
themselves in
> the closet again.
>
> >> Boy: 'Dark in here.'
>
> >> Man: 'Yes, it is.'
>
> >> Boy: 'I have a baseball glove'
>
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How
> much?'
>
> >> Boy: '$750.'
>
> >> Man: 'Sold.'
>
> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove,
> let's go? outside and have a game of catch.'
>
> >> The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
>
> >> The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
>
> >> The boy says '$1,000.'
>
> The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like
> that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
taking you to
> church, to confession.
>
> In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the
confessional and
> closes the door.. The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in
> my closet now.'



\

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin, Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.

''You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

The Spoon:

A Customer Is In A Restaurant Getting Ready To Eat.he Keeps Noticing All The Male Waiters Have Spoons In Their Shirt Pockets. He Becomes Curious And Ask The Waiter Why The Spoon In The Pocket? The Waiter Replies They Had A Consulting Company Come In And Help The Restaurant To Become More Efficient.the Spoon In The Pocket Was One Way To Save Time As The Spoon Is The One Thing Customers Drop Most Often And Having It Handy Saves Time Running Back To Get Another Spoon. The Customer Agreed.

Well What Happens The Customer Drops His Spoon,and Immediately The Waiter Hands Him A Spoon. He Thought What A Great Idea.

As The Waiter Walks Away He Notices A String Hanging From His Fly.he Looks Around And All The Male Waiters Have A String Hanging From Their Flys .again Curious He Ask I Notice All The Male Waiters Have A String Hanging From Their Flys? The Waiter Said That Was Another Way Found To Help Us Become More Efficient.the Customer Said Please Explain How That Saves Time.

The String Is Tied Around Our '' You Know What'' And When We Need To Go To The Rest Room We Can Un Zip And Use The String To Take Out Our "you Know What'' That Way We Don't Have To Wash Our Hands And That Saves A Lot Of Time.

The Customer Then Ask The Waiter, If You Use The String To Get It Out,how Do You Get It Back In? The Waiter Replies I Use The Spoon, Don't Know What The Other Guys Use.

This must be so that they can ship more Undocumented Aliens here - (and I was even politically correct )

Mexico City to give out Viagra to men 70 and older
Nov 13 09:41 PM US/Eastern


MEXICO CITY (AP) - Mexico City is giving out free Viagra and other impotence drugs to men 70 and older.

Mayor Marcelo Ebrard says the city is implementing the plan because sexuality "has a lot to do with quality of life and our happiness."

City Health Secretary Armando Ahued said Thursday that the government will start handing out doses of one or two Viagra, Levitra or Cialis pills on Dec. 1.

They will be distributed at three centers that specialize in sexual health for the elderly. The men will receive medical examinations before receiving the pills.

Ahued says an estimated 112,000 men 70 or older live in the Federal District, which has a population of 8.7 million.

Some 20 million people live in the greater Mexico City area

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the windowand make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Heck, I could throw all of their a$$es out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."