Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A drunken man walks into a biker
bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees
three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I
went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and
doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again
and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever
had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this
point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him
square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're
drunk

A blonde is driving down the road knitting,when a cop pulls up beside her on a motorcycle,and see's what she is doing,he yells PULL OVER, the blond replies NO A SWEATER

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman
on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow,
just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get
through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window
and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking
desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue
streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license
plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

The Old Poodle
A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks,"Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts.
Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill!

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, she asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

Bath Time

An eight-year-old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked out a
large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if he had a
lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy.
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's very
powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it could even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy, but it was
no use. The young boy's mind was made up.

About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
"I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your
dog," the grocer said.
"Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."
The grocer was a bit relieved.
"Oh"? "What was it then"? he asked. "Mom said it was probably the spin cycle."

Mary Dooley, a spinster in the village, was dying, so she called Patrick O'Fagan the local post-master who also doubled as the undertaker.
"Patrick," she said,"Oi've lived a long virtuous life, and I want it to be noted on my tombstone."
"That you have, Mary, that you have. How can I help?"
"I want my tombstone engraved: `Born a virgin, Lived a virgin, Died a virgin.'"

Mary duly died, but her estate wasn't very large, and tombstones and engraving are very expensive.

Patrick gave it much thought, and finally had her tombstone engaved:
"Returned Unopened."

johnboy

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."


His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

Thanks for all the jokes Towd, I look forward to them everyday.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

What are dose?" Asks the attendant. They're called tees" replies Tiger.

Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you
are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that
comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out "CROSS".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD
RUGGED CROSS".

The pastor hollered out "GRACE". The congregation began to sing
"AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".

The pastor said "POWER". The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN
THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at
each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
"PRECIOUS MEMORIES".


You Gotta Love Little Old Ladies!