Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

The Old Poodle
A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks,"Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts.
Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill!

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, she asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

Bath Time

An eight-year-old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked out a
large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if he had a
lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy.
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's very
powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it could even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy, but it was
no use. The young boy's mind was made up.

About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
"I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your
dog," the grocer said.
"Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."
The grocer was a bit relieved.
"Oh"? "What was it then"? he asked. "Mom said it was probably the spin cycle."

Mary Dooley, a spinster in the village, was dying, so she called Patrick O'Fagan the local post-master who also doubled as the undertaker.
"Patrick," she said,"Oi've lived a long virtuous life, and I want it to be noted on my tombstone."
"That you have, Mary, that you have. How can I help?"
"I want my tombstone engraved: `Born a virgin, Lived a virgin, Died a virgin.'"

Mary duly died, but her estate wasn't very large, and tombstones and engraving are very expensive.

Patrick gave it much thought, and finally had her tombstone engaved:
"Returned Unopened."

johnboy

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."


His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

Thanks for all the jokes Towd, I look forward to them everyday.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

What are dose?" Asks the attendant. They're called tees" replies Tiger.

Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

sorry! guys I can't get pictures to work...fi fact I don't know how to post
on this tread,with out going to post quick reply, I emailed brent for help
but he hasn't email back!!!

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry said, "Lord
tunderin' jaisis...up ahead, Arch, It's a police roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin'!!"
"Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our
foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached
the roadblock, the officer took a look at the pair of them and
said, " You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, Sir," said Archie while pointing to the labels,
"We're on the patch."

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens.

They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard.

THE real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, and preach
to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him
first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we
came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast in traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in real bad shape.

Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others.

"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start things out"

that will piss the old bear off every time.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm done for."

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you're NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!"

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're done for!"