Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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>>While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and
>>I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for
>>living
>>wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that
>> I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some
>>machine
>>and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and
>>threw
>>out
>>all my beer.
>>
>>Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

friends don't let friend drive !!!

sorry! guys I can't get pictures to work...fi fact I don't know how to post
on this tread,with out going to post quick reply, I emailed brent for help
but he hasn't email back!!!

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry said, "Lord
tunderin' jaisis...up ahead, Arch, It's a police roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin'!!"
"Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our
foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached
the roadblock, the officer took a look at the pair of them and
said, " You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, Sir," said Archie while pointing to the labels,
"We're on the patch."

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens.

They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard.

THE real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, and preach
to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him
first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we
came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast in traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in real bad shape.

Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others.

"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start things out"

that will piss the old bear off every time.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm done for."

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you're NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!"

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're done for!"

A canibal goes to the medicine man with terrible stomach pains. The medicine man asks who he has been eating lately. He tells them he has been eating the guys in the robes and hood coming to convert them to Christianity. The medicine man asks how he has been preparing them. The canibal says that usually he boils them in a huge pot.

The medicine man says well there is your problem, they are friars!

CHAZ

An indian goes to his medicine man and tells him he has been unable to sleep lately. He tells him that one night he dreams he is a teepee, and the next night he dreams he is a wigwam.

Medicine man tells him that is his problem, he is two tents.

CHAZ

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs. (ouch)

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely.! ...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

5 . If all is not lost, where is it?

6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

7. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

9. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

10. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

12. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

13. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

15. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift! , and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.

Originally Posted by RestoRod

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry said, "Lord
tunderin' jaisis...up ahead, Arch, It's a police roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin'!!"
"Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our
foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached
the roadblock, the officer took a look at the pair of them and
said, " You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, Sir," said Archie while pointing to the labels,
"We're on the patch."

on the subject of newfie jokes, did you hear about the three newfies that drove off the bridge? they had an open back pickup. The driver managed to get out OK but the two in the back drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate open.