Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by RestoRod

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry said, "Lord
tunderin' jaisis...up ahead, Arch, It's a police roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin'!!"
"Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our
foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached
the roadblock, the officer took a look at the pair of them and
said, " You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, Sir," said Archie while pointing to the labels,
"We're on the patch."

on the subject of newfie jokes, did you hear about the three newfies that drove off the bridge? they had an open back pickup. The driver managed to get out OK but the two in the back drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate open.

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mister, taste this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It is. How old am I?"

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."*

TRUE STORY
Back in my younger days I had surgery on my stomach. Somthing to do with a smart remark I made in a bar. Anyway shortly after the operation while in the hospital bed in comes a little nurse. She says I have to check your incesion(?) Being the smart a$$ that I was I told her it would cost her a quarter. She promptly turned and left. I thought good now I can get back to sleep. But to my surprise she returned ploped 2 quarters on the side table ripped back the sheets and my gown and said "for fifty cents I get to see it all" NEVER get your nurse P!$$ed off.

Git-r-done!!!!

UnitedStates.jpg

Don

Sounds like a solid plan to me! Problem solved! LOL!

Yep, that outta do it.

A few of us from work would go to the one guys private shooting range sometimes after work, and one of the guys is a gun fanatic. He was in some secret military group that worked undercover in the jungles of Cental America, so he is kind of an "on the edge" guy anyway.

He has a rifle pretty much like the one in the picture, but a little shorter. It is a 50 calibre custom made rifle that was formerly used in helicopters as a machine gun. The shells are like 6 inches long, and it will go through concrete blocks and trees like they aren't there.

When he fires it, the shockwave of air hits you 20 feet away. One of the guys said, "let Don shoot your rifle once.", so I did. As soon as the thing went off I exploded with a string of profanities, because it was that powerful. Even though it was on it's own tripod, you can't imagine the power of this thing. Probably the most useless gun in the world, but really a blast to shoot. (no pun intended)


This picture reminded me of that gun.


Don

Oh Lord, Denny, I haven't heard that since Boot Camp in 66. Geez, that just reminded me of how old I am getting and how late it is. Guess I'd better take my Old Salt butt to bed.

Originally Posted by DennyW

Oh, and don't forget, "this is my rifle, this is my gun "

It must be the same all over the world, we were told that too! "One's a rifle, the other's a gun, one's for shooting, the other's for fun."
I had actually forgotten about that 'til you guys brought it up.

johnboy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old
> son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
> and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
> He began his commentary as his parents put their plan nto operation:
>
> "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
>
> A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
>
> A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
> out.
>
> "Matt's riding a new bike....."
>
> A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
>
> "Jason is on his skate board...."
>
> A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
>
> Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out,
> "How do you know they are having sex?"
>
> "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."





Don
>
>
>


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A mate of mine (whose name was Melvin, but he preferred Joe,) got caught growing some grass he shouldn't, amd got sent to spend some time in the "big house."
To while away the time in there, he got his mother to send him in a flute, and to his amazement, he found he had a natural ability to play it.....he could hit notes, really high notes, that no-one else had ever been able to reach. It drove the wardens mad, so, to annoy them as much as anything, he practiced these high notes until he was absolutely perfect.
Upon his release, he found he was in demand by all the big (and I mean BIG) orchestras all around the world, who paid him a lot of money to play for them.
He bought himself a farm, discovered he loved ploughing, (that's "plowing" to you illiterate Yanks) but would get bored after an hour or two, and wander off to the local cat house, where he would get up to all sorts of depraved things.
His poor mother, when she heard about it, was so embarrassed that she became a nun, and joined a Convent in Barcelona.
Now he's known as the: High Flutin' Tootin', Rootin' Son of a Nun From Barcelona, Part Time Ploughboy Joe.
(And if you believe that, you'll believe anything!)

johnboy

I don't make them up, I just forward them.

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY CLOTHING FACTORY AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY
STITCHER" AND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE CLERK EXPLAINED,
"PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB, "I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!