Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Youth Vs Experience

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!” says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

************************************************** ********

EXERCISE FOR SENIORS

I am only passing this onto my senior friends - (don't be offended - old is old). If you don't have a gym membership, try this. I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.





Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.



.

Youth Vs Experience

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!” says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

************************************************** ********

EXERCISE FOR SENIORS

I am only passing this onto my senior friends - (don't be offended - old is old). If you don't have a gym membership, try this. I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.





Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.



.

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies....Quit Laughing.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

Enjoy life

January 2013

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White
House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a
park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I
would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama
is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the
man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is
no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I
just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow, Sir."

An inmate escaped from the mental asylum and stole a Hot Rod Model T parked
along the street.
As he left town he stopped in front of a Chinese laundry and offered the two workers there a ride.
They drove out of town and as they crossed the railroad tracks, the coal train on it's morning run to Dearborn Michigan broad sided the Ford with a thunderous crash.

When the police arrive all they found was a nut and two washers.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,


"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and
parked it. Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said,
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we c hecked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'


The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there
when I return?'

Ah, Newfies...... See! Salt Beef is good for the brain.

An Amish farmer riding through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hinein geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have crapped in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

A man owned a small farm in Australia ...


The "Fair Work Australia Office" claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff
and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.


"Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday
and a case of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board.
She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.

'Then there's the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Cleveland Browns. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Browns go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,




"I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland !!”

I have just been charged with murder,for killing a man with sandpaper...
To be honest,I only intended to rough him up a bit...
.................................................................................................... ....
After years of research,scientists have discovered what makes women happy... Nothing..

.................................................................................................... .....
Since the snow came,all the wife wants to do is look through the window..If it gets any worse,Ill have to let her in..
.................................................................................................... ...
Just had a water bill for $175..Thats a lot...Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month...time to change my supplier..
.................................................................................................... ....
A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in a school play,and he will be playing the part of a man who has been married for 25 years..His father replies,Never mind son,maybe next year you will get a speaking part..

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Investments

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received about $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American, don't it?

Originally Posted by MelloYello

Investments

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received about $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American, don't it?

Mello,I am sure that the average Kiwi or Aussie must get about 65mpg,especially some I know...
And thats NO joke..

Guess I need to move down under cause I ain't gettin' but about 15 mpg lately