Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Originally Posted by johnboy

.....Me: No, the cars are much faster.

"Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme...d_the_ferrari/

A friend of mine, an optician, drank waaay too much last night and made a spectacle of himself.

Hmmmmm - I can relate.

Originally Posted by johnboy

A friend of mine, an optician, drank waaay too much last night and made a spectacle of himself.

I don't see it that way..

Originally Posted by 34_40

I don't see it that way..

No?
Well he wasn't looking too flash the next morning.
So I kept an eye on him.

The Geography of a Woman as she ages:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!

Saw this, and immediately thought it was something we'd see from johnboy, but then I cannot say that he wasn't the author!! If not, I'll dedicate it to him!
-
Staggering.jpg

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night, the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.

"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered.

"The frog was really nothing special.

You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

The optimist says:
“The glass is half full.”

The pessimist says:
“The glass is half empty.”

The engineer says:
“The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

Originally Posted by glennsexton

The optimist says:
“The glass is half full.”

The pessimist says:
“The glass is half empty.”

The engineer says:
“The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

Nah...that's more like what a bureaucrat would say.

Originally Posted by rspears

Saw this, and immediately thought it was something we'd see from johnboy, but then I cannot say that he wasn't the author!! If not, I'll dedicate it to him!
-
Attachment 74481

Not my handiwork; but I will post it on another site I'm on.
And take the credit.
I like it.

A lady walked into the local coffee shop and sat down in a booth behind one occupied by 3 men. She could not help but to hear their conversation, and as they continued, she realized that they were trying to spell a word.

First guy; I think it's spelled "whoom"

Second guy; No, no, I think there's some "R's" on the end; like "whoombrrrr"

Third guy, nope you're close but I think still wrong. I think it's spelled "wuuuuuum"

The lady could not help becoming amused as she realized what they were trying to spell. She got up to leave, turned to face them and said with a superior air; Gentlemen, I think you'll find that it's spelled "womb"! And she turned on her heel and strode our of the coffee shop with a smug smile on her face, triumphant that she got the best of 3 men. They watched in silence as she left.

First guy; Do you think she knew what she was talking about?

Second guy; Hah! I doubt it!

Third guy; I agree. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local bar.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the bar.
After a few minutes, as the lights went out again and the nun came back out, the whole place stopped to give the nun a loud, enthusiastic round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

At the airport, I heard 2 guys saying they wouldn't feel safe if the Pilot was a woman. How downright sexist I thought; I mean it's not as if she has to reverse the thing...

I'm reading a book on antigravity.

I can't put it down.