Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree3692Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 240 of 242 FirstFirst ... 140 190 230 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 LastLast
Results 3,586 to 3,600 of 3626
  1. #3586
    JOATMON's Avatar
    JOATMON is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Between N.O.& B.R.
    Car Year, Make, Model: 8 and a boat '57-'18
    Posts
    83

    Saw this recently......
    The late Bobby Bowden, Florida State football coach, told this speed trap story.
    He was driving through Gainesville on an elevated section of the interstate.
    He knew there was a speeding camera located on the upper floors of an adjacent building.
    He slowed down ahead of time but noticed the camera flashed anyway.
    Knowing he wasn't speeding he looped back and passed 5 MPH slower, the camera flashed again.
    He again took the exit and looped back 10 MPH slower, the camera flashed again.
    Very upset, he gave up and went home.
    The next week he received three citations from the Gainesville Police Dept.......
    For driving without a seatbelt.
    It's All Good

  2. #3587
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,437

    Life was better in the seventies when I was in my twenties than it is now in the twenties and I'm in my seventies.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #3588
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    711

    Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
    Accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
    He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
    The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be ‘avin’ Da fingers and I'll see what Oi can do'.
    Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got Da fingers.'
    'Whadda ya mean you haven’t got Da fingers?
    Lord Tunderin' Jesus, its 2009!
    We be havin microsurgery and all kinda incredible Techniques.
    Oi could have put dem back on and made you like new!
    Why didn’t ya bring Da fingers?!?'
    And Paddy said,
    ‘How Da f*ck was I 'spose to pick ‘em up????

  4. #3589
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,437

    VERY INTERESTING FACTS.

    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

    Where do they go?
    Wonder no more!
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #3590
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    14,402

    Quote Originally Posted by johnboy View Post
    VERY INTERESTING FACTS.

    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
    It really has been a long winter over there hasn't it!?!?! There's just no words!

  6. #3591
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor CHR Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,505

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a U.S. Congressman", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

    This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #3592
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    14,402

    That's a good one Glenn.. and in a little while we head to the polls! How appropriate.
    glennsexton likes this.

  8. #3593
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
    Posts
    10,681

    What is it that Charlie says in his Signature Line? Ya' Just Can't Fix Stupid!!
    Attached Images
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  9. #3594
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,437

    Doctors eh?

     



    To cheer me up after surgery my doctor told me a joke.

    I was in stitches.
    .
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  10. #3595
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    711

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

    'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

    'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.


    On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

  11. #3596
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    14,402

    An oldie but a goodie! Always funny that one. Thanks Tow'd
    Dave Severson and TOW'D like this.

  12. #3597
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    711

    After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

    Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,

    telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

  13. #3598
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    14,402

    A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..
    He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
    Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
    He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
    After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place
    for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
    The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
    'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you
    meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . ..
    Wait for it
    ... ....
    It's coming
    ..... ....
    She said ... ...:

    'You just happened to catch my eye.'

  14. #3599
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,437

    My neighbour sunbathes topless. and my missus disapproves.

    But I'm on the fence over this one.
    Dave Severson and 34_40 like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3600
    Dave Severson is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Madison
    Car Year, Make, Model: '67 Ranchero, '57 Chevy, '82 Camaro,
    Posts
    21,103

    Went out this morning and shot a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. All the people in the frozen food section of the grocery store were in shock!
    34_40 and stovens like this.
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, Live for Today!
    Carroll Shelby

    Learning must be difficult for those who already know it all!!!!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink