Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Just watched a programme on the history of the Kiwi summer holidays.

It reminded me of holidays as a kid by the sea.

Playing in the rock pools with a net.

Oooooh she taught me a thing or two.
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This morning I tripped over a box of Kleenex and thought I had damaged myself.

Turns out it was just tissue damage...
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I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.
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I went back to the doctor for a follow up appointment today:

Doc: “Hi – I am sorry, but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”

Me: “OK, give me the very bad news first."

Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with a very rare strain of a disease that hasn't been seen for hundreds of years. You only have 1 day to live”

Me: “Just 1 day? !…uh....well...what’s the bad news then???”

Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..."

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
N.Z. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us
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I stole this story on Facebook...
Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.
Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.
One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.
He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.
She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.
From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime!"

Ugh.......

A handsome man in a suit approached a young lady at a bar and politely asked if he could buy her a drink.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she inquired skeptically. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
Looking somewhat forlorn, he replied, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she responded sympathetically, "Okay then, I'll have a white wine please."
One glass of wine led to another. After a few more drinks, they shared a kiss and cuddle, eventually deciding to head back to her place where they made passionate love.
As he dressed afterward, she couldn't help but ask, "So, you're good-looking, a nice guy, and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

"The wife found out."
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At a girls college hostel, dates were only permitted on Saturday night.
One young man turned up on a Tuesday night, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative to see a certain young lady.
"I want to surprise her. You see I'm her brother"

"Oh, she will be surprised all right" said the woman "But think how surprised I am. I'm her mother! .

So, Wee Jimmy is doing his math homework.
He says to himself out loud, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven."
"Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mum, Senga, hears what he was saying and says to him, "What are you doing?"
Wee Jimmy replies, "I'm doing my math homework."
She then asks, "So, is this how your teacher taught you to do it?"
Wee Jimmy says, "Aye maw"

Annoyed and angry, Senga calls Jimmy’s teacher the next morning and asks, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replies, "Right now, they are learning addition."
Senga then asks, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stops laughing, she says, "Not quite, what I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
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An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep again.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”
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"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Johnny.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps without any clothes!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he did six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that doublebarrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old black Lab, Hudson, woke up and came a sneakin' up behind Daddy.
Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Hudson stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
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A Many 16ths & a Many mm in one shot!!

FB_IMG_1722030130712.jpg

Originally Posted by rspears

A Many 16ths & a Many mm in one shot!!

Attachment 76006

even more 64ths