My grandson turned four today so we went to visit him and give him ice cream. When he came out I didn't recognise him.
Then I realised I'd never seen him be four.
Printable View
My grandson turned four today so we went to visit him and give him ice cream. When he came out I didn't recognise him.
Then I realised I'd never seen him be four.
NOPE... NO NO NO... NOPE, No Way!!! JB..... arghhhh...
....and from the rarely used NNW approach to the famed mountain:
Attachment 74397
Must be JB.. but that one was really bad! and the mountain art has really slid down the backside!
How do you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
:LOL::LOL::eek::eek::whacked::D:3dSMILE::p:p:p
I always knock on my fridge door before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing in there.
* I have often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
* Sex before marriage is considered a sin, and after marriage, a miracle.
* My wife just stopped me and said "You weren't even listening to me." I thought "That's a strange way to start a conversation."
* Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
* When I farted she left. Gone with the wind!
* As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but brassing them off is a piece of cake.
*My wife told me that if stupid could fly, I'd be a jet.
* There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is , once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
* The police just pulled me over and said "Papers." I said "Scissors, I win." And drove off. I think he wants a rematch. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
* My favourite part of the marathon is watching the runners reactions when they grab my plastic cup of vodka.
* I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and have a look around. They said "No." and slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
* She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she is reloading.
* "I ran into my ex yesterday"
"What did she say?"
"I don't know. I just kept on driving."
* You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat she's probably very upset.
* You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning a tennis game? That's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
* Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.
* "Why isn't John at work today?"
"He's in hospital."
"But I'm sure I saw him dancing with a lovely girl last night."
"So did his wife."
* Notice on the side of a van 'We fix what your husband fixed.'
* I went to visit a psychic and knocked on her door. She yelled "Who is it?" So I left.
'Cracker' joke
Q. What do you call 100 little sheep rolling down a hill?
A. A lamb slide.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
Finland have just closed their borders with Ukraine.
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Aaaaarrrgh!
Attachment 74444
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
"Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme...d_the_ferrari/
A friend of mine, an optician, drank waaay too much last night and made a spectacle of himself.
Hmmmmm - I can relate.
The Geography of a Woman as she ages:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!
Saw this, and immediately thought it was something we'd see from johnboy, but then I cannot say that he wasn't the author!! :rolleyes: If not, I'll dedicate it to him! :LOL:
-
Attachment 74481
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night, the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
The optimist says:
“The glass is half full.”
The pessimist says:
“The glass is half empty.”
The engineer says:
“The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
A lady walked into the local coffee shop and sat down in a booth behind one occupied by 3 men. She could not help but to hear their conversation, and as they continued, she realized that they were trying to spell a word.
First guy; I think it's spelled "whoom"
Second guy; No, no, I think there's some "R's" on the end; like "whoombrrrr"
Third guy, nope you're close but I think still wrong. I think it's spelled "wuuuuuum"
The lady could not help becoming amused as she realized what they were trying to spell. She got up to leave, turned to face them and said with a superior air; Gentlemen, I think you'll find that it's spelled "womb"! And she turned on her heel and strode our of the coffee shop with a smug smile on her face, triumphant that she got the best of 3 men. They watched in silence as she left.
First guy; Do you think she knew what she was talking about?
Second guy; Hah! I doubt it!
Third guy; I agree. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local bar.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the bar.
After a few minutes, as the lights went out again and the nun came back out, the whole place stopped to give the nun a loud, enthusiastic round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”
At the airport, I heard 2 guys saying they wouldn't feel safe if the Pilot was a woman. How downright sexist I thought; I mean it's not as if she has to reverse the thing...
I'm reading a book on antigravity.
I can't put it down.
The Germans are crazy on sausages. They even have a sausage made from other sausages.
It's the wurst of the wurst.
all walk into a bar together.
Things got a bit tense.
Johnboy we call that PUNishment!
What does a subatomic duck say?
Quark!
Louie and Rose lived in an old folks' retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her: “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, Louie was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.
JB, that one is becoming all to true! Funny! but true..
^^^^^Reminded me of this old but good one. Warning: It has one colorful word in it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/commen...adio_this_was/
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Dscartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am', but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
another oldie but goodie
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
My wife and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said,
"You gave me too much money."
I said,
"Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said,
"We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing."
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said,
"You need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
"NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used that repairman since....
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She is a government employee.
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply,
"I know. I already did that side."
STAY ALERT! - They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....