HAHAHA.. Love it!
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HAHAHA.. Love it!
My rule is that if I wasn't invited to someone else's wedding then they're not invited to mine.
Too bad if it upsets my parents.
Englishman Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
"So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to
have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the ars*hole had a paper round!"
In my school days I always tried to bury my head in the sand.
Eventually he expelled me.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
My car was making annoying squeaking noises.
They stopped once I ejected the Mariah Carey CD.
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay in my job.
We haggled for a few minutes and then he gave me a 10% raise.
As I left his office he asked me: "By the way, which companies are after you?"
"The gas, electricity, and phone company."
Become a primary school's maths teacher and make the little things count.
All these recollections remind me of my younger days and rights of passage.
My father taught us lots of things, how to drive the tractor, change spark plugs, milk cows and many chores.
He also taught us some fun things, one of which was swimming.
How he showed me was to take me to the middle of the lake in a boat and threw me in.
Learning to swim was easy, getting out of the sack was the tough part.
Two mafia men were out walking in the woods at night.
One turns to t'other and says, "It's really dark in here, I'm getting a bit scared."
"You're scared?" said the other gangster, "I've got to walk out of here alone!"
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
I asked my mate if he could spell won ton backwards.
He said: "Not now.
A man goes skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like hours, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute.
He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up really fast.
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Two people are in hospital after eating lasagne containing 100% horse meat.
They are said to be in a stable condition.
My wife and I decided we don't want children...We'll be telling them tonight at dinner.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.
If I can't get white I'll drink red.
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A Happy Christmas to all of you!
In the immortal words of that great Christmas song "Release Moby Duck" it turns out I got it wrong as a kid and I was well over 50 before anyone corrected me!
Must confess I got some strange looks over the years though.
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit family once a year and get out as quickly as you can.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying "Toys not included."
A woman asks her husband in an agitated way, "You're not going to work? Why aren't you going to work?"
he says "I don't feel like it. I'm going to lay in bed half the day then do whatever I want the rest of the day".
He is just about back to sleep and the phone rings.
He answers it. After a few seconds he says "How the hell would I know that? It's over 60 miles from here!"
He hangs up and his wife asks a bit nervously "Who was that?"
He says "Some idiot asking if the coast is clear".
Oldie but goodie........The elementary school teacher was holding up flash cards with the letters of the alphabet quizzing her students to give a word with that letter and spell it. In the class was the infamous "Little Johnny", yep, the one with the filthy mouth.
As she started, Little Johnny would jump and raise his hand, but she knew she couldn't call on him. He might say Ass for A or Bitch for B. She got all the way up to R without calling on Little Johnny. The other students got stumped on the letter R, but Little Johnny knew a word and jumped up and down with his hand up. Since she couldn't think of a single bad word that started with R she called on him. Little Johnny said, R as in rat, R A T, the teacher said very good Johnny, I'm proud of you.
He said, yeah that rat was proud of his pecker because it was about thissss longggg........
I knew that joke as ... when the teacher calls on Jonny he says "A rat, a big F_ _ _in' Rat!
^^^ lmao ^^^
The guy who introduced spell check passed away, his funnel is tomato.
I posted the joke about the Cadillac driver in Arkansas yesterday. Found it on a Facebook page, copied the text to my clipboard and pasted it here. I edited a couple of places, then hit "submit". It processed, and the "Last Post" was my name but the joke didn't appear. After almost an hour I checked again, still didn't see it so I did the "paste" again. Still No Joy. I ran my C-Cleaner app to purge any trackers and junk, and after that the posts appeared! I had messaged mrmustang/Bill to advise of the problem, and he advised that both posts included corrupted text and they had been removed.
Lesson learned, no more "cut & paste" from any social media, because they embed hidden text in the posts that then gets carried to wherever it's posted, and those hidden gremlins can cause problems to the forum. No Joke, just a lesson learned!
i copied it and posted it to City Data forum with no problems but i cant copy it again and take it to another forum .. weird !! i`, still laughing when i think of it .
Who's in favour of bringing back Roman numerals?
I for one.
Who's in favour of bringing back Roman numerals?
I for one.
A minute apart.. I for one!
That's III
A bushman saw a peculiar growth on a tree and asked his friend what it was.
His mate said "I don't know; but I've seen it on three other trees. This must be IV."
"It's four in the morning" This is V
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed .... so we're just waiting.
If that isn't s-x, I don't know what is. VI
When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Years ago l told all my friends l was going to do stand up comedy and they all laughed!
Now they don't