Unfortunately that's not a joke, just the truth plain and simple.
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Unfortunately that's not a joke, just the truth plain and simple.
Joe Friday is turning over in his grave.
Better check the hone pattern.....
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Attachment 73695
I'd say someone got a wee bit carried away:3dSMILE::LOL::LOL:
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached Father McCarthy with an unusual offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed Father McCarthy a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, Father McCarthy looked the young man in the eye and said:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
“Yes,” then leaned toward Father McCarthy and hissed:
“I thought we had a deal.”
Father McCarthy put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:
“She made me a better offer.”
Hee Hee Hee...
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Attachment 73696
^^^ Ain't that the truth!
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
You had your chance....
/\ /\ OUCH! lol /\ /\
Last night....
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
She said "F**k off! They're for the funeral."
What a beautiful love story!!
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin.. perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.” The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, ‘my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.’ “Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
An Englishman died unexpectedly.
His best mates were an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman. A few weeks before his death the Englishman had bought tickets for them all to attend a game of football together; and the other three owed him 100 pounds each.
At the funeral the deceased's wife gently reminded them of the debt.
The Welshman decided it would be a nice gesture to drop a hundred in cash into the casket and did so. The Irishman saw this and did likewise.
The Scot went over to the open casket, wrote out a cheque for 300 pounds, and took out the other two hundred in cash as his change.
I must drink too much Scotch. It sounds fine.
Some of us (Ryan? R2?) are in trouble...
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Attachment 73819
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a “mail-order” bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,
“She’ll be twenty-one in November.”
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
“How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, “Good – she’s pregnant.”
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
“And how’s the hired hand?”
Without hesitating, Tom said,
“She’s pregnant too.”
Don’t ever underestimate us old Geezers.
She offered her honour.
He honoured her offer.
And all night long it was honour and offer.
Picture worth a thousand words
A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan making landmines that look like prayer mats.
He says that prophets are going through the roof.
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice either.'
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp.
She then throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, and setting it on the bar, while calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Arizona
New Zealand is now under another Covid lockdown. These lockdowns are getting annoying and quite frankly I’ve had enough.
I’ve discussed the matter over a cup of tea with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything.
Same with the fridge. He only gives me the cold shoulder.
I asked the lamp, but she couldn’t shed any new light on the situation.
The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up Princess. The threshold was no better, it suggested I get over it.
The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug. But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over.
The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn’t offer an opinion.
The wall didn’t say a word either, just gave me a blank stare.
The doorknob was more forthcoming - told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on.
The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to.....you guessed it right - pull myself together.
Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked, I didn’t have a leg to stand on. When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comments reflected poorly on my thinking .
However, in the end, the iron set things straight . She said everything will be fine .
No situation is too pressing for long anyway.
Always the wordsmith JB.. like you covid keeps us in its grasp and now at the moment we're awaiting Hurricane Henri to completely engulf us.. almost 30 years ago to the week Hurricane Bob ran us over and it's been a good bit of years since. I've got nowhere to go, raining and the wind is starting to pickup... so we'll hunker down -same as Gods own - and say a lil prayer that all will be well. Miss you and SWMBO, hope you are both well on the New Selection.
The local law enforcement guys & gals all have stories to tell about the Little Princesses....
Attachment 73868
Sure cure for whatever is geting you down...
Anyone relate with this?? just sayin....
Me too Dave amazing how peaceful the last 5 years since my divorce have been, Covid aside!
....guess I'm an artist.
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Attachment 73892
I was gonna say , "Hey, look at the shooting stars!" LOL
Beep Beep.....
Attachment 73913
Took the new car back to the dealer.
Strange noise only happens starting & stopping ??
Gospel truth! A guy who worked at a Cadillac dealership told of a car that came back several times for a "CLUNK" when stopping. Finally found a Coke bottle in the door, suspended from a string, swinging free to bonk into the door skin in an enclosed pocket. The only way to get it out was to cut the interior door skin, until one guy suggested using a rod through a hole to shatter the bottle, then vacuum the shards, leaving the string. Said the car came down the line on a Friday.....