So where can we rent his mule? I realize I may need to book in advance due to availability! ;)
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So where can we rent his mule? I realize I may need to book in advance due to availability! ;)
Two of the most overlooked qualities in life:
Patience & Wisdom!
Attachment 68627
Once upon a time (all good stories start that way,) in a land far far away, (Siberia actually,) a little swallow's biological clock had a hiccough and as a result he left it too late to fly south for the winter.
Oh he tried! He flew as hard and as fast as he could but eventually, cold and exhausted, he fell from the sky.
Ivan, a local woodcutter came across him whilst heading for work. "Poor little fella!" he thought. (But in Russian; because that was the only language he knew.) "There's a nice fresh steaming reindeer shit. I'll put him in that and he'll soon get warm again."
So he did.
And yes; the swallow did warm up. Soon he was warm enough to start chirruping again.
"I'm warm!" he sang, "I'm warm!"
A wolf heard him and came to investigate the noise.
"Aha!" he thought. "A swallow!"
So he ate him.
There are four morals to this story:
1) It's not always your enemies who drop you in the shit.
2) It's not always your friends who get you out.
3) Sometimes being in the shit is the best option.
4) And if you're in the shit don't sing about it.
how shit happens;
In the beginning there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks".
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof".
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it".
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".
And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of this company, with powerful effects".
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how shit happens.
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
Then she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found the solution!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor... A Dead fly...
Now there's a moral to this sad story.
(Isn't there always)
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying some coffee and having a smoke. They were having a great time talking and enjoying the sun, when suddenly, it started to rain.
A few seconds later, it was absolutely pouring down, but one of the ladies calmly opened her purse and started rummaging through it. Mary slowly pulled a condom out of the purse, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking without a care in the world.
Susan looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”
Mary replied, “A condom, of course. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Susan exclaimed, “That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom?”
Mary replied, “Oh, you can get them in any drugstore these days.”
The next day, Susan hobbled herself to the local drugstore, parked her walker by the entrance and went in. She started looking around for a bit, but didn’t find what she was looking for. She walked up to the cashier and announced to him that she wanted a 12-pack of condoms.
The young cashier seemed quite surprised at hearing this coming from an 81 year old lady.
A bit embarrassed, he stuttered, “A-alright ma’am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”
Susan shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
now that's a keeper.:D
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $19.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well love,' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'So what's with the emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
I don't care where your from.... that's funny!!
Once upon a time (all good stories start that way,) in a land far far away (the North Pole actually,) in a huge underground cavern (known to the locals as Santa’s Workshop,) Santa was preparing everything for his Annual Toy Run, which was only a week away.
A little fairy, Nuff, (not an unusual name for a fairy – surely everyone’s heard of Fairy Nuff?) came to see him.
“Santa,’ she said, “it would seem that our Christmas tree has been overlooked this year. Do you want me to fly to Finland and bring one back?”
“Dear me!” said Santa, “how remiss! Yes please Fairy Nuff.”
So without any more ado, away flew Fairy Nuff.
It was about then that things started to go wrong for poor Santa.
One of the elves marched into his office.
“I’m Good Elf To Ya, Union Delegate for the Free Order of Elves, or FOE as we like to be known. As of 3 o’clock this afternoon we’re going on strike. We’ve kept this workshop running 24/7 for the last twelve months and we’re demanding better working conditions for a start. We also want higher wages, (at least 7 cents more per week) a paid holiday in Bermuda every summer of at least 2 hours per elf, paid elf insurance with Medicare, and…”
“Out! Out!” roared Santa “I can’t afford such profligate expenses! We run a shoestring business here! I’d be broke if I acquiesced to your demands!”
“Suit yourself,” said Good Elf To Ya, “but as of 3 o’clock we’re gone,” and he walked out.
Just then the phone rang.
“Hello,” said Santa, picking up the receiver.
“Senior Sergeant Plod from the Vice Squad,” said the caller. “Every year about this time we have multiple worldwide reports of unauthorised entries into private dwellings. We have collated these reports and have come to the conclusion that this is but one man on an annual crime spree.. We’ll be there to interrogate you at length in an hour, have your attorney available,” and hung up.
There was then a timid knock at the door.
“Come in,” said Santa.
It was reindeer Donner.
“What can I do for you?’ asked Santa.
“Umm…some of the boys and I got on the turps a bit last night,” said Donner, “and things got a bit rowdy. Blitzen has a broken leg, Prancer has a dislocated shoulder, and Rudolph walked into the edge of a door and now has one eye the size of a football and glowing brighter than his nose. We’re going to be out of action for a fortnight if not more.”
“Get out of my sight,” groaned Santa.
Just then the phone rang again.
“What!’ roared Santa as he picked it up.
“Hello,” said a voice. “Senior Inspector Clark Kent from Civil Aviation Authority. It has come to our attention that you’ve been flying around all over the place in an unlicensed unregistered unauthorised craft. Can’t have that old chap! Next thing you know there’ll be all sorts on unauthorised idiots flying about all over the place. And that’s not a very good look.
Your craft has been grounded pending inspection.”
And he hung up.
Then there was another knock at the door.
“Yes?” groaned Santa.
“It’s me, Nuff,” said a voice. “I’ve got the Christmas tree. Where shall I put it?”
And from that day forward it has become the custom to have a fairy on the top of a Christmas tree.
A twice divorced woman was having lunch with her friends and talking about her new exciting third marriage,
one of the women asked "what happened?"
She replied, Well, my first husband was a doctor and all he wanted to do was examine it.
My second husband was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was talk to it.
Then I married a hot rod mechanic, he tore into it on the first night and has been working on it ever since.
Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to
a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM
news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man
on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
"You know, I reckon he'll jump," said Bob.
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
The blonde placed her money on the bar and kept watching
the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive
off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
One for you oldies out there...
Many years ago, (when I wore a younger man’s clothes,) I used to go out welding cow-sheds over the winter months for various builders. (It’s called ‘cash-flow’,) and on one particular job the son of friends of ours was working there too.
The son of Mary and Phillip Beer, they’d named him ‘Edward’. That was mean and thoughtless of them.. (Which is an indication of the calibre/IQ of our friends.) Of course he got called ‘Teddy’
Teddy was a drainlayer by trade, and the terrain on this particular site was pretty boney; so there was a lot of pick and shovel work for him to do.
One afternoon, after 3:00 smokeoh (a Downunder term for morning and afternoon tea breaks,) Teddy and I came out of the caravan together.
“Look at that,” said Teddy, pointing, “some rotten mongrel has nicked my pick!”
And sure enough; it was gone. Vanished entirely.
“Aha!” I said. “What’s today?”
“Tuesday,” said Teddy.
“That explains it;” I replied, “Tuesday’s the day the Teddy Beers have their picks nicked…”
I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...
It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.
Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!
In my land I'd budget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 mins. per post hole.
Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
So the job took much longer than anticipated.
But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.
1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.
2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.
3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!
4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.
5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.
6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.
7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be here long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and it's got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.
So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
(He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of overstayer.)
"What's that you're saying?" he asked.
So I told him.
"Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
"Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. Soup a cauli fridge elastic eggs peas halitosis!"
So now you know how it came about.
And I first put those words to paper.
groan...
HAH!
An ex-neighbour of mine, Bert Prescott, was a man who really loved tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, He collected books on tractors, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors.
One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in the hospital and rehab, he finally got his life back on track, but now he hated tractors.
He sold every tractor he owned and vowed never to have anything to do with tractors ever again.
One day he was walking past a burning house with people trapped inside. There was so much smoke that the fire-fighters couldn't get in.
So Bert walked up to the house and with a huge breath, sucked all the smoke out, long enough for the fire-fighters to enter and save the people.
Afterwards, a fireman said to him "Bert, that was amazing! How did you do it?"
He replied, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
(That's a true story. Would I lie to you?)
:HMMM: :HMMM: :HMMM:
Lie? Never...
Exaggerate??? Certainly! :LOL::LOL::LOL:
I got this in my mail today.
I didn't write it; but oh boy I wish I had!
It's too good to not share:
A lot of monkeys lived near a village.
One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys!
He announced that he will buy the monkeys @ $100 each.
The villagers thought that this man is mad.
They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each?
Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave it to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.
This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant.
After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $200 each.
The villagers then ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!
They sold the remaining monkeys @ $200 each.
Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $500 each!
The villagers start to lose sleep! ... They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.
The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.
Then the merchant announced that he is going home for a week. And when he returns, he will buy monkeys @ $1000 each!
He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought. He was alone taking care of all the monkeys in a cage.
The merchant went home.
The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at $1000 each.
Then the employee told them that he will sell some monkeys @ $700 each secretly.
This news spread like fire. Since the merchant buys monkey @ $1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey.
The next day, the villagers made a queue near the monkey cage.
The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys!
The villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the merchant to return. 😕
But nobody came! ... Then they ran to the employee...
But he had already left too !
The villagers then realised that they have bought the useless stray monkeys @ $700 each and are unable to sell them!
The Bitcoin will be the next monkey business
It will make a lot of people bankrupt and a few people filthy rich this monkey business.
That's how it will work.
John, you're going to make me groan, yet.
.
This rude woman looked at my beer belly the other night and said “Is that Tui or Lion?”
I replied “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”
I told a girl in the pub the other day I could tell what day of the week she was born just by fondling her boobs.
“Really?” she asked. “Go on then; try!”
After two minutes she got impatient, and said “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said “Yesterday.”
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard shouted so loudly I nearly fell in.
A Kiwi bloke, a little guy, was sitting in a bar in Christchurch when this huge burly Australian walks in. As he passes the Kiwi he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big Aussie says: “That’s a karate hop from Korea.”
The Kiwi says nothing, gets back on his barstool, and resumes drinking his beer.
The Aussie gets up to go to the bathroom and as he walks by the Kiwi hits him on the other side of the neck knocking him to the floor again.
“That’s a judo chop from Japan,” he says. The Kiwi decides he’s had enough of this and leaves.
Half an hour later he’s back again and sees the Aussie sitting on his barstool; so walks up behind him, and with one blow knocks him to the floor, out cold.
The Kiwi turns to the barman and says: “When he come to; tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings.”
My friend has 2 tickets for the 2018 Daytona 500, both box seats. He paid $2,000 for both tickets, but he didn't realize when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St Anthony's church, Cambridge Ma.@ 3pm. Her name is Connie, she is 5'6 about 140lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress...
A wedding, divorce,and funeral all in one day. :LOL:
Did you hear about the guy who was charged with murdering a man with sandpaper?
He really intended to just rough him up a bit.
Then there was the apprentice who got caught drinking brake fluid.
His boss told him to be careful he didn’t get addicted; but he said he could stop any time.
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use two people remembering the same things.
In my experience you need only two tools in the workshop. WD 40 if it doesn’t move and it should, and duct tape if it does move and shouldn’t.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
I must be 1/2 women, I had to read it 3 times :LOL:
Friend of mine called & asked me if I could loan him $500 to help him pay his rent. I told him, "Give me a minute let me check my money situation & I'll call you right back."
Before I could check my account his sister calls & says, "Don’t give him any money because he's lying.” His Sister proceeds to tell me that he wants to use that $500 to get his girlfriend out of jail because he wants to be under the same roof with her for Valentine's Day.
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give him the $500 because we all need help at times. So I called him back & said, "I got you."
A couple hours later, I got a call from the county jail and it was him. I say, "Hello" and he starts screaming & asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied, "So you & your girlfriend would be under the same roof for Valentine's Day..."
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and £50,000.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”
To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now”.
We had a guy here locally who just lost his license to practice medicine, he got caught sleeping with one of his ex-patients! What a waste, all those years in school, all the studying and expense, all that time as an intern and putting up with all the crap from the Doctor's on staff! As a new Doc, he had to take all the cases the other doctors didn't want while they took the glory and good paying cases. He just bought a new Corvette, making payments on it so I suppose it will get repossessed. Kind of a damn shame, he was a really good Veterinarian!
This is a conversation between a man and a potential girlfriend.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.
Woman:So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00.
In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”
It’s John, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
John,” she said, “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
"Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “my wife won’t like it.”
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. I really need to go now.”
Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
Still under the cart, I guess.”
An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.
What is it that you stole?” the judge asked her.
Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”
Alright. How many peaches were in the can?”
Six,” she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.
Okay. Well, I’m going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay?
Does that sound fair to you?”
Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does.”
“Your Honor!” her husband piped up. I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…”
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No”, said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”
“No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now” she said,“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”
“No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:
“Good go look in the garage.”
8 words with 2 meanings..
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "Well first you gotta be dead!"
A married couple are travelling down the highway at about 40 mph with the husband behind the wheel.
The wife looks over at him and says “Honey, I know we’ve been married for fifteen years; but I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 45 mph.
She then says “I don’t want you to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s a better lover than you are.”
Again the husband says nothing but speeds up a bit more as his anger continues to build.
She says “I want the house.”
Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 55 mph.
She says “And I want the kids too.”
The husband again says nothing but just drives a bit faster.
Now he’s doing 70 mph.
She says “And I want the car, the cheque account, and all our credit cards as well.”
The husband starts to slowly veer towards the abutment of a bridge overpass.
She says “You’re taking all this very well; isn’t there something you want?”
The husband says “No; I’ve got all I need.”
She says “Really? What’s that?
Her husband, just before they hit the bridge abutment at 80 mph says “The airbag.”
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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A woman gets mad at her husband. For revenge she goes to a bar and gets herself picked up by a guy.
They go to the hotel and while he's in the bathroom she strips and lays on the bed with legs spread wide.
The guy comes out of the bath and comments, "Wow. You're big down there!"
Insulted she leaves immediately.
Driving home she starts thinking. Well, I am getting older. I've had two kids.
She gets home, goes up to the bedroom, strips down, puts a mirror on the floor and straddles it bending back and forth to see better.
As this goes on her husband walks in unexpectedly. "What the hell are you doing?", he asks.
Thinking quickly she starts jumping around and says, "Aerobics."
He answers, "Aerobics, huh? Well, just be careful you don't fall into that hole in the floor."
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected & is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify" I answered "a doctor"
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I thought I was wrong once,:eek: but that was a mistake.:rolleyes::LOL:
Jack.