-
After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
"Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecrackers you can find, put them all in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
"C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how firecrackers in a beer can will help me!"
"Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
So the man went home, put lots of crackers in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.
This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.
-
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 75th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!
Imagine, SUV!
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
-
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry’s whore ...
-
BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.... Thanks Ryan!
-
A toothpaste factory had a problem.
They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality.
Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.
He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
“Oh, that,” the supervisor replied, “Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”
-
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.
He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
-
When my brother was in and a marine received a similar letter, email, or what ever.... They had a make a B*tch famous site. They'd post what ever pic (most of the time nude or close) of her on social media and tell her story.
-
Several armed robbers entered a bank.
One of them shouted: "Nobody move! The money belongs to the bank...Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately everybody in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman somehow laid on the floor in a rather provocative manner...
One of the robbers approached her saying, "Madam, this is a robbery not a rape...Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, let's see how much money we got?"
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid...It's a lot of money, let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
Soon after the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen.".
"No...Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's first add all that money we took for ourselves over the past few months and also add in any other expenses and then let's just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million, so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?
Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being just stupid robbers..."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Now there's a moral here, (isn't there always?): Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
-
Sad part of this.
It's all to true! 8-)
Thanks JB.
-
Herman is 85 years old and retired living in Queens. He gets a checkup with his long time friend and physician, Dr. Ruben Horowitz.
A week or so afterward Dr. Horowitz sees Herman strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Hermie, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following your orders, Dr. Horowitz. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The physician exclaims, “Hermie, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”
-
oldie but goody
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
-
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
-
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer
was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender, running several blocks
away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.
Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation
for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess
was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and
we think he'll win.
-
It’s impossible to explain puns to a kleptomaniac - - - they take things literally..............
-
Getting Old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver..'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
*******************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece...
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about.
*******************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
*******************************************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
***********************************
-
So the DW and I were RVing through Nebraska, the land of corn and soybeans and not much else, when the RV started to run warm. It was 102 degrees out so no big surprise. We decided to pull in to a farm yard and see if we could park there until it cooled off. On the porch was an older couple sitting in rocking chairs enoying the afternoon. There were chickens all over the farm yard. I got out of the RV and explained why we stopped in. The man introduced himself and his wife. They were George and Martha. George said we could park our RV next to the barn and we could stay until early morning when it was cooler. He told Martha to get us some tea and to join them on the porch. The DW and I were sitting on the porch watching the chickens. I mentioned to George that I noticed a rooster strutting around the yard like he was king. George said his name was Henry and he was quite the hens man. After a short while Henry started chasing a young hen around the yard. The hen knew of his intentions and was wanting no part of it. Around the yard they went. Finally Henry was about to catch the young hen when all of a sudden he stopped in his tracks and started pecking at a bug that was on the ground. George leaned back in his rocker, looked at Martha and then looked up at the sky. He then said Lord please don't ever let me get that hungry.
-
The Population of this country is 310 million.
160 Million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your backside, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
-
I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"
-
In New Zealand we have a TV programme aired on a Thursday evening called ‘Police 10 7’ which follows some of the incredibly stupid antics that our police forces have to contend with.
A few weeks back two cops were called to a shopping mall where a drunken woman was making a right nuisance of herself. They got her in their car and decided to take her back to her own place to sober up.
As they were driving her there she turned to the one along side her and said: “I heard a very funny joke today. Shall I tell it to you?”
“Go ahead,” said the plod.
“Do you know what a Schitzu is?”
“Yep. It’s a bred of Chinese dog isn’t it?”
“Nah. It’s a zoo with no animals.”
-
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a burger and a beer. After his meal, he gets up, pulls out a Mac 10 and kills everyone in the bar except the bartender. As the bear heads for the door, the bartender exclaims, "Why did you do that?"
The bear simply replies, "I'm a panda, look it up."
The bartender pulls a dictionary out from under the bar, flips through some pages and reads:
"Panda: mammal - large black and white bear from Asia; eats shoots and leaves."
-
Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, natives running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Native man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
-
A dyslexic woman was locked up for stealing lingerie from her employer.
People who knew her always thought she would end up behind bras.
-
Just met a guy from India, He said he has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. I asked his name he said....Bindair Dundat......
-
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the comer of his left eye.
-
Here is a different twist on an oldie but goodie.
An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, "sir, your barracks door is open." At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn't live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could've meant.
He tells the veteran that his fly is open.
After completing his shopping, he goes back to the same cashier and says, "ma'am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking, did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?"
The cashier replies, "no, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags."
...
-
A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote,
“This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.”
The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, it feels nice and cold, and he says to himself,
“What's she talking aboutl? The fridge is working fine!”
-
A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
-
That's priceless Hank!
I can even see what my reaction would've been in there!
-
I'm with Johnboy; I'd probably just reply: "Hunh????"
..
-
Reply #6: What the hell did you do now?
-
I got pulled over by the Plod Squad the other day for speeding.
I'm a mouth at the best of times; and getting a ticket is not the best of times.
So I had a rant at the cop along the lines of "What the hell am I supposed to do with another bloody ticket, don't you jokers get sick of dishing them out to innocent drivers?"
And so on.
And on.
And on...
The cop never said a word until he handed me the ticket.
"There is a plus to it," he said, "when you get three of them in one year you get a push-bike."
-
Irish blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
There are several morals to this story: 1) not all Irish are drunks, 2) not all blondes are dumb, and 3) but all men...are men!
-
-
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
-
Mayday! Mayday!
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,
"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower : "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower : "Okay, that's good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower :
"Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast! So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft :
"The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!"
-
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
-
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
"Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman.
So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
“And how many have you caught?”
"You’re the eighth.”
-
The Armed Services.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
(Send this to all of your senior friends in big type so they can read it.)
-
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
“I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied.
“But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
-
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life… until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her,
“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable, conductible iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls cut off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”
“No. No thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina-Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months?” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…
“I can check my e-mail from here?”