90% of all electric vehicles are still on the road, the other 10% made it home…
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90% of all electric vehicles are still on the road, the other 10% made it home…
Whilst in Germany just after WWII my watch started playing silly games. Instead of going 'Tick-tock-tick-tock' it just went 'Tick-tick-tick-tick.'
So I took it to a German jeweller.
He said "Ve can fix dat," so he picked it up, shook it, looked at it with a stern face and said: "Ve haff vays to make you tock."
My dad's a clown, as was my grandad, and he asked me to carry on the tradition.
I said I'm not sure, they're pretty big shoes to fill.
Three Bears
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair... He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***** PORRIDGE YET'
I've been hanging out at the gym lately.
She Who Must Be Obeyed says I should wear longer trousers.
Busted.... Whhy did I think of Mike P when I saw this???
Attachment 75798
Wondering what to buy the little lady for Christmas?
Get her a refrigerator and see her little face light up when She opens the door!
After being married for many many years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an
alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"
He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
The First Customer!!
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Attachment 75808
OUCH! Hey, I resemble that!! 8-)
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing someone else does.
A fellow turns to his wife in bed and whispers,
"Did you know that today is National Orgasm Day?”
"Oh, what a pity," she said,
"Right in the middle of National Headache Week!!”
I'll blame my fat twitching fingers again
I said to my new wife "You only married me because my father left me a fortune."
She said "That's nonsense. I would marry you no matter who left you a fortune."
Wife: You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I Don't, in fact , I like your Mother-in-Law more than I like mine!"
Politician giving speech: "We'll fight fire with fire!"
Voice from audience: "I think the Fire Brigades prefer water..."
True story.
I just couldn't resist it - it was just too good to let the opportunity go...
Several years ago we 'did' the Annual American Car Show, part of it entails a 'drive-by' through the local town,
Driving slowly down the main street I noticed our local Mayor standing in the middle of the crowd.
This was too good to miss, so I leant out the window of the '47 and yelled "Oy you! Are you the Mayor of this place?"
"Yes, I'm the Mayor," he replied.
"Well you'd better keep an eye open over your shoulder!"
"I'm the stallion!"
The crowd around just burst into hysterics.
I got the Hell out of there...
Not getting that one?
Got it now!:)
I spent $250 on a limousine and just found out the fee doesn't include the driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest?
Guilty.... Perhaps "Shade Tree Mechanic"?
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Attachment 75812
And what's funniest in that picture.. they are doing it wrong! LOL
I must've got tangled with Hank's (TOW"D) big fingers.
lady enters a fishmongers and asks for three cod fillets
"I'm sorry madam , we have sold out of cod "
"OH! " she says " Ah well three cod fillets then "
" sorry madam , we have no cod at all "
" Um, in that cae i will have three cod fillets " she says yet again
"listen love , spell plaice for me " says the monger
" p.l.a.i.c.e. " she says
" excellent , now can you spell salmon " he asks her
" s.a.l.m.o.n. " comes the reply .
" brilliant , now spell cod "
" C.O.D. " he hears from her sweet lips
"where's the F ?" asks the fishmonger looking at her quizzically
The lady looks surprised & informs the fishmonger " There is no F in cod "
" Finally " he says "NOW what would you like instead "
LOL I sometimes get a small bit of education from johnboy's & TOW'D's posts here. jb tosses in NZ slang terms that often have me wondering, and today it's "plaice" from TOW'D! My first reaction was "There's no 'I' in the word PLACE, like a noun is a person, place or thing. But then I Googled the spelling and learned that a plaice is a variety of flounder, a common european term! Fishmonger isn't in my day-to-day vocabulary, but I'm familiar enough with the term for a shop selling fish.
They say one should learn something every day, so today I've learned the name "plaice"!! Thanks, TOW'D!!
I got to know a lot of different fish species serving as a Foreign fishery Observer on a Korean fishing vessel, monitoring and reporting daily catch to NOAA, during fishing seasons that foreign boats were allowed to fish in US waters up in the Bering Sea in Alaska. this was in the late 1980's. Alaska really was and is the last frontier, trust me on this!
https://www.google.com/search?q=plai...hrome&ie=UTF-8
Two locals from a small town are critiquing their new neighbour.
"Is he a big fella?" asks one.
"Well of you're going to walk around him take a packed lunch."
I bought a teddy for $10, named him Mohammed then sold him on for $20.
Question is, did I make a prophet?
it is getting harder trying to keep up with johnboy
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f*cked.
I was dating a beautiful cross-eyed girl for the last twelve months.
We broke up 'cos she was seeing someone else.
Wife: "Honey did you find the shampoo?"
Husband: "Yes but it's for dry hair and I'd already put mine under the shower."
I had a different problem. Shampoo in the shower, suds cascading over my body and I see on the label in bold text, "Builds Extra Body and Volume With Every Use!" No wonder I can't drop the extra weight!! I dumped the stuff down the drain and switched to DAWN Diswashing Soap that promises "Dissolves Fat Fast!" Problem solved!!
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80…
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run – anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask: “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
11. You can’t remember who posted this list.
And remember – never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says "Wow! I've never served a weasel before...what can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
The missus asked if She could have some peace and quiet while She cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms.