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LOL, that's funny. I had a similar prank played on me years ago by some of my co-workers. One of them climbed under my van, took a 24" zip tie and wrapped it around my driveshaft leaving the long end hanging. When I went to leave I heard "WHAP, WHAP, WHAP" on coming from under my van when I pulled out. So I've got the door open and my head hanging down, pulling forward and backing up trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with my van.
Then I see them all standing on the edge of the parking lot dying laughing! Funny now, not so funny then.......:)
I think that's the funniest one in the thread.
on more than one occasion i have pulled peoples hubcaps and filled them with rocks ..
What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?
thrown out of the Vancouver Aquarium
Oh, that's cruel.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died. In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”
“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”
Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”
“Aha,” said God, “you may sit on my left.”
Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”
“I believe”, replied the cat, “that you are sitting in my seat.”
??_??_??_???
I called my insurance agent -
"I hit an animal and I think my truck's totaled. Am I covered?"
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Agent - "Yes, no problem! What did you hit?"
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Me - "A FISH!"
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Ya'll know that I'm a dog lover, so this one strikes a sentimental chord with me......
A guy badly damaged his leg, and prior to going into surgery the doctor asked, "Do you have a dog?"
"Why yes I do, he's my companion and pal. Why do you ask?"
The Doc replied, "You've done a real job on that leg, and I might not be able to save it. I wondered if you would want me to save the bone for your dog?"
oldie but goodie
A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.
Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.
Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......
The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."
The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?
The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."
"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."
The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"
"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."
A man on a flight to Chicago suddenly found himself having an urgent need to use the facilities. He headed back and found both men's & women's restrooms. He stood at the door to the men’s room, nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. A stewardess noticed his predicament and told him, “I’ll let you use the ladies’ room, but on one condition – don’t touch the buttons on the wall!”
The man breathed a sigh of relief, slipped in and while sitting on the toilet his attention drifted to the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “Wow, this is strangely pleasant, women really have it made!” Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. “This is amazing!” he thought, “Men’s rooms have nothing like this!” He then pressed the button marked “PP”, which yielded a large powder puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”. He pressed the button, and then everything went black.
When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladie's room on a plane!”
The nurse replied, “Yes, I’m sure you were having a great time until you pressed the ‘ATR’ button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow.”
Ouch!
Must of been an AirBus-I never saw anything like that on the Boeings or Douglas planes I've flown!!!!!!!!!
No-probably just hadn't passed the FAA rule making process-----after the group of the seat warmers come up with something it used to have to published for several weeks for comments from the field---------soooo, on the American stuff, that was missing--------but I also can't remember separate rest rooms for male/females------how could you join the mile high club if you had separate potties???????
If it wouldn't mess up the Joke Page, which it'll do anyway, I'm tempted to reply, "WAIT A MINUTE!! Are you saying that you actually flew commercial jets, like a real PILE-IT?? The guy the sexy stewardesses swooned over, dropping their panties crying "Take me!, Take me you amazing gift to all mankind!"? You were THAT guy?"
Yep, be careful what you ask for!
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Attachment 74105
Beep beep!!
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Attachment 74158
Meep Meep… rotflmao!
I can relate....
One more.... Umm I might have actually fallen for this in my earlier life!
A Many 16th's & A Many mm, all in one!!
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Attachment 74167
Jack and Jill are getting married. Jacks old man takes him to one side and says "Listen Jack you need to stamp your authority on this relationship.
When I married your mother, on our wedding night I asked her to try on my trousers in the honeymoon suite." This she did and then said "Honey I can't fill these they are far too big for me." "That's right baby" he says "and just remember who wears the trousers in this relationship" Jack thought that this was a very good idea and he would do the same with Jill.
So when they eventually got to the honeymoon suite on their wedding night he turned to Jill and said, " Sweetie try these trousers of mine on". This she did. She then turned to him and said " Darling I can't fit into these they're far too big for me.
"That's right " said Jack "Now just remember who wears the bloody trousers in this relationship."
So Jill thought for a while then turned to him, took off her knickers and said "try these on darling. This he did but only got them up to his knees before telling her, "I can't get into these!".
At which point she stood up and said "Aye and if you don't change your bloody attitude you never will!!"
At the airline check-in desk there was a long waiting line. The cute Flight Attendant checking people in was going about her business when suddenly an agitated passenger came from the back of the line, cut to the front, and then demanded that he be boarded immediately.
Calmly the Flight Attendant reminded him it was first-come, first served and told him to return to his place in line.
Even more agitated the man said to her, "Do you know who I am!!"
The Flight attendant picked up her intercom mic and said, "Your attention please: Does anyone know who this man is? He doesn't."
Now really agitated the man looked at her and shouted "Well, f*(k you!"
To which the Flight Attendant replied "You'll have to get in line for that too, sir."
Colder weather is coming.....
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. The plane landed and they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said,
“Morning, Father. Morning, Father”, addressing each of them individually. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
The next day, they wore their tourist gear and donned dark glasses. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. The same beautiful blonde, wearing a different bikini, came walking toward them. Again she nodded to each of them and said,
“Morning, Father ~morning, Father”, and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said,
“Just a minute, young lady.”
“Yes, Father?”
You are right - we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?” She replied,
“But Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen!”
Unfortunately it's NOT a joke - Real sign for valet parking....
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Attachment 74175
That's sad.
People like us are becoming an extinct species.
I prefer a manual; it gives you more control over winding hill gradients, both up and down. I, as driver, can see that I'm approaching a steep uphill grade so will leave it in a lower gear to keep my revs up.
Or I can see a steep downhill grade in front of me and will keep it in a lower gear for engine braking.
I have control of the vehicle.
But to see that on Valet Parking...
Yep.
It's sad.
I used to have one of these.... but I seem to have loaned it to some body and it never came back....
So, Wee Jimmy comes home from Church with a black eye.
His dad says, "Jimmy, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
Wee Jimmy says, "But Dad, it wisnae my fault."
"We were all in church saying our prayers."
"When we all stood up I noticed my teacher in front of me had her dress in the cheeks of her bottom."
"I reached over and pulled it out and that's when she hit me!"
"Jimmy," says his dad. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
So, the very next Sunday Jimmy comes home with the other eye black and blue.
Jimmy’s dad says, "Jimmy, I thought we had a talk!"
”But Dad," says Jimmy, "It wisnae my fault."
"There we were in church saying our prayers and when we all stood my teacher in front of us had her dress in the cheeks of her bottom again.”
”My pal Tam, who was sitting next to me, saw it and he reached over and pulled it out."
“Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
HELGA NEEDS A BEER....
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter den hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied,"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?
I was at the local swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky leak in the deep end. The life-guard must have noticed. He blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
If this is "LOOSE GRAVEL" I don't wanna be anywhere near "FALLING ROCKS"!!
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