The Southern Baptists around here would send you to hell for that one.:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
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The Southern Baptists around here would send you to hell for that one.:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
My uncle worked for TWA at Love Field in Ft Worth forever, and one visit he sent me home with two inner tubes from main landing gear tires that he had patched, but they couldn't be used on a plane. I carried one down to the gas station and asked if we could air it up and emptied their air tank three times! It was about 5' tall and puffed up to 16 or 18" - a great trampoline if you spread your feet and stayed straight! Then I discovered that I could stand it up, sit in the hole and curl up, barely fitting. Lean back a bit, pull forward with my feet and tuck them up to roll down the hill!! Learned not to try too big of a hill with no way to steer or stop, so plan what you want to hit and hope for the best!!
I was about 9. It was a GOODYEAR......:p
I did much the same thing and around the same age, using a rear inner tube from a Cast Iron Kate Fordson tractor, rolling down the stopbank next to the river.
I did it once.
Mum asked me what happened.
I told her I fell off my bike.
Attachment 75269
thanks for that dear
The missus was slinging of at me saying that I can't repair her electric appliances properly.
She's gonna be in for a shock.
litterally??? 8-)Quote:
Originally Posted by johnboy
I'll let her find that out.
And now for some St. Patrick's day humor...
One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shakes his head. “Ah, Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”
Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Those on foot would cross the street. Then he would allow the traffic to pass.
He had done this several times while Paddy still stood at the crosswalk, getting more and more impatient.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and asked, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “Aye, that’s the quickest way then.”
OK Glenn, you started it.....
“Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in.
They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping.
One lad digging the holes. The other lad filling them in.
A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at.
So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’
The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply,
‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'”
and......
Paddy is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says "Cruises on Liffey River – $100".
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river.
Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign, walks in and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the second man calls out to Paddy, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”
Paddy says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t last year.”
another oldie buy goody
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage...I used to shave my privates with one.
But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.
Thanks everyone for your concern. I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though. I was robbed at the local Gas station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money is gone however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, “Yes, it was pump number 2.”
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
Paddy walks into the chemist and says "Good morning, I'd like a deodorant."
"Ball or aerosol?" says the chemist.
"Neither," says Paddy. "It's for my armpits."
"Daddy daddy! What happens to spiders and flies that get sucked into a vacuum cleaner?"
"They Dyson."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
As my late wife, Susan would have said, "This is a true story!!" Years ago, not too long after we were married Susan invited three or four of her girl friends for lunch one weekend. They were from a very small Kansas town where she had done her first two years of teaching after graduating. None were married, and I'm not sure any of them had really dated much, real life Old Maid school teachers in work. It was mid-summer, and one of them offered that one of the local girls was pregnant at 16 years old, and had convinced her mother that it must have happened at the local swimming pool, free sperm floating in the pool and just happened to "infect" her! The girls, aged mid-20's, were wondering if that could be true and offered that most of the single gals were avoiding the pool just in case. I smiled, and told them that the girl may have indeed gotten pregnant at the local pool, but if she did she was in very close contact with her boyfriend and both his and her bathing suits weren't in position for modesty. I also added that if any of his sperm happened to make it into the pool water, the chlorine would kill it immediately.
The one who had asked the question looked around the table and replied, "Well OK then! That's a relief! Girls, I guess we can still go swimming!!"
Who Said Cemeteries Aren't Funny !
Old Tombstone Inscriptions: some great ones!!
🔺Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
"Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was."
🔺In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
"Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up....
and no place to go."
🔺On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
"Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young."
🔺In a London cemetery:
"Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid...
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
🔺In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
" Anna Wallace...
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
🔺In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
"Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising."
🔺 In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.."
🔺In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
"Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw."
🔺A lawyer's epitaph in England :
"Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange."
🔺John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
" Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,....
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny."
🔺In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June,... "Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune."
🔺 Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
"Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go."
🔺On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
"Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God."
🔺In a cemetery in England :
"Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me."
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
"To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went."
.
The one about Jonathon Blake was from the town I was born in
I never saw it but funny to hear that town here
cheers
Hank
Of course you just made me go back and look! LOL
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.."
Whenever the missus is upset I let her colour in my tattoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
From the 'For Sale' adverts in our local paper: 'Prosthetic leg for sale. Would make a good stocking filler.'
Another newspaper posting:
Attachment 75382
I was digging in the woods when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to hurry home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in the woods.
Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.
I went to five today and they all said 'Insufficient Funds.'
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
A student failed in the final law exam and decided to make a deal with the professor.
Student: Sir can I ask you one question?
Professor: Yes
Student:. If you can answer this question, i will accept my final mark, if you can't, you will have to give me an "A" grading.
The professor agreed.
Student asked: "what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?"
The Professor thought about it for hours and pondered, but couldn't think of an answer.
He had to finally give up as he really didn't know the answer.
He gave his boy an"A" grading as promised.
The following day the professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.
He asked one student.
He answered:
Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 years old woman, this is legal but not logical.
Your wife is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.
Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam and yet you have given him an "A", and this is neither logical nor legal.
The Professor fainted....
I did not know this.....
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends
Along the same line, jb...
An elderly lady walked in the local pub and sat at the bar. "Ill have scotch, with three drops of water." The bartender asked "What are you celebrating", and she replied, "I'm 92 today!"
"Well that's a reason to celebrate! Let me buy you a round - in fact I'll buy this one!" As she finished her drink, the fellow to her left said, "Did I hear it's your birthday? I'd like to buy you a drink, too"
"I'll have scotch with three drops of water", she said to the bartender. Again, as she finished her drink another of the regulars called over to the bartender, "I'll buy the birthday girl a round!"
"I'll have scotch with three drops of water". As she was enjoying her third drink the bartender strolled over, "I'm curious, why are you so specific about only three drops of water in your scotch?"
"Well, sonny. At my age I can hold my liquor, but holding my water is a different story!!" :D:LOL::o:p
Tom is on his death bed, and whispers to his wife, "Before I die will you give me one last wish?"
Wife - "Anything you want, Tom."
"After I die, will you marry Ernie?"
Wife - "But Tom, I thought you hated Ernie!"
With his dying breath, Tom whispered his last words, "I do!" :p:3dSMILE:
Jake went to see a hooker.
He knocks on the door and a voice from the other side says "Wadda ya want?"
"I want to come in," said Jake.
"Put $100 through the mail slot," said the voice.
Jake does so and nothing happens.
"Hey!" cries Jake, "I wanna be screwed!"
"What?" called the voice.
"Again?"
The Pastor interrupts his sermon to ask three men sitting in the front row; "If your loved ones were at your coffin looking down at you in it, what would you want them to say to you?"
Bill: "I was a good husband and father."
Fred: "That I lived a good life of kindness to others."
Jim: "Look! He's moving!"
I had a blind date last night, but earlier in the day I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there's an app for just that situation. It's called 'Mom Are You Okay' and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?" It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl's door and it turns out I needn't have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning. But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?" :(:o:CRY::CRY::CRY:
I couldn't get into the restaurant without a tie so I used my cars jumper cables.
The manager said "O.K. but don't start anything"
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"🤣
I have an old miners helmet with a torch on the front.
I never wear it because it makes me lightheaded...
cat that stutters
Attachment 75403
The sheriff enters the bar "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jack?" he asks.
"What does he look like?"
"He wears a brown paper suit, with a brown paper hat, shirt, tie, socks and shoes."
"What's he wanted for sheriff?"
"Rustling."
