the Official CHR joke page duel

Two boys walked into the small-town drug store, and the older one picked up a small box of Tampax, walked back and placed it on the counter beside the cash register. The pharmacist, old enough to be their grandfather, looked down and with a smile asked, "Do you know how to use these, son? How old are you?"
The older boy replied, "I'm 9 sir, and I'm not sure. They're not for me."

"Oh, are they for your mother, or perhaps your sister?", the pharmacist asked.

"Oh no sir, they're for my little brother. He's 4."

Holding back his laugh, the pharmacist asked with a bigger smile, "And why does your little brother need this?"

Confident with his answer, the older boy answered, "We were watching TV and they said if you have this you can swim, play tennis, or even ride a bike, and he can't do any of those things yet!!":LOL::LOL::LOL:;)

A man sat on his front porch, staring dejectedly at the ground. His neighbor, noticing his gloomy demeanor, walked over to check on him.
“Hey, what’s got you so down?” the neighbor asked.
The man sighed, barely lifting his eyes. The neighbor tried again, but the man just shook his head.
Finally, the neighbor persisted, “Come on, what happened?”
The man sighed deeply and said, “I messed up. I answered one of those tricky questions women ask, and now I’m in the doghouse."
“What kind of question?” the neighbor asked, curious.
“My wife asked me if I’d still love her when she’s old, fat, and ugly.”
The neighbor chuckled, “That’s easy! You just say, ‘Of course, I will.’ Problem solved!”

The man shook his head and groaned, “Yeah, that’s what I *meant* to say. But what actually came out was, ‘Of course, I do.’”

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She and I went to a cafe today.
Two waitresses were having a massive row over how long to leave a tea bag in the cup.
It got so bad it ended up in violence.

The manager came over and apologised to us and said that it had been brewing for ages.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue.
Then he said to the statue:
‘I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s house and nobody offered me anything!!'

A Genie granted me just one wish, so I wished to be happy.

Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.
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Why does it take 7-10 business days to refund my money?

When it takes 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account.
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Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you will lose it!

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? Please, go and lie down! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating: You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi. At Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus. At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on. At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. You then arrive at Changi. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead this morning, her face is all swollen and bruised and she nearly died. Now she's in Emergency in Hospital.

Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Viagra won't make you like 007 but it will make you Roger Moore.
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by johnboy

Viagra won't make you like 007 but it will make you Roger Moore.
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LOL, that one fits differently in NZ and Great Britain than here!

A roger is when he has three legs and she buries the middle one.
You Americans don't talk properly Englich.
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by johnboy

A roger is when he has three legs and she buries the middle one.
You Americans don't talk properly Englich.
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LOL on the "properly Englich"!! Here the slang use for "Roger" is a radio response, sometimes adding "Wilco" or "That", to show receipt and understanding. Thus your "Roger Moore" was a bit of a head scratcher, leading to a NZ slang search! ;):LOL:;)

Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Okay.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open. ”NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support!"
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Stole from FB...
Attachment 76120

LOL... hmmm.. tasty! :LOL::eek::LOL::whacked::D

I wore a camouflage T-shirt once.
The response in the pub was "Oooh, it's a floating head!"
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During my job interview yesterday,the interviewer asked,'Why do you think I should give you this job?'

I replied, 'Because my best friend Davis works in your IT department, and he told me you're having an affair with your secretary."
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From FunBucketKustoms on FB - Posted here as a joke, but wasn't funny to the Jeep guy! :eek:

Attachment 76121

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rspears

From FunBucketKustoms on FB - Posted here as a joke, but wasn't funny to the Jeep guy! :eek:

Attachment 76121

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The poor fella must've got a helluva fright!
I'd wager he went as white as a sheet!
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My doctor told me that I'm suffering from insomnia.
I asked, "Is it serious?"

He said "There's no cause for any alarm."
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When I got married my friends asked if my spouse would be taking my name.
I had to tell them it would be really silly if we were both named Fred.
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by johnboy

The poor fella must've got a helluva fright!
I'd wager he went as white as a sheet!
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In hindsight I expect the pic is AI generated. It's just too perfect, no footprints, nothing in the paint, etc, etc. Kinda funny, but not real....

Bob was thrilled when his company gave him a free ticket to the Super Bowl! �� But his excitement faded when he arrived—his seat was way up in the nosebleeds, closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! ��
Halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows from the field, right on the 50-yard line! �� Taking a chance, he snuck down and asked the man sitting next to it, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man shook his head, “No.”
Bob, now grinning from ear to ear, said, “This is unbelievable! Who in their right mind would have a seat this good at the Super Bowl and not use it?!”
The man sighed, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
Bob felt terrible. “I’m so sorry… But couldn’t you find anyone—a friend or relative—to come with you?”

The man shrugged, “Nope… They’re all at the funeral.”
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Guys I need help here!
I had an argument with the wife and She told me I was correct!

What do I do now?
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I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day. He seemed a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.

I told him that the odds of two serial killers in the same car was extremely unlikely.
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School teacher says to a 5 year old boy; "What's your mother's name?"
"Mum's last name must be 'Darling' because that's what Daddy calls her every time."
"That's so sweet. What's her first name then?"

"I think it's Sorry"
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A good woman stays by her man's side during bad times to tell him that none of it would have happened if he had just listened to her.
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CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tyred.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.


Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Back in my early days the only the only time we started Panic Buying was when the bartender yelled "Last call!"
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I finally fixed that annoying noise in the car.

I just opened the door at 60mph and pushed him out.
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by johnboy

I finally fixed that annoying noise in the car.

I just opened the door at 60mph and pushed him out.
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I expected to see "her" instead of "him", unless SWMBO got on your 'puter....

It's time to stop searching for intelligent life on other planets.
We should try to find some here.
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by rspears

I expected to see "her" instead of "him", unless SWMBO got on your 'puter....

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I had the exact same reaction! LOL

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 34_40

I had the exact same reaction! LOL

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It was SWMBO's little dog.
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A travel agent was sitting at his desk when he noticed an elderly couple standing outside, gazing longingly at the posters of dream vacations in the shop window.
They looked sweet, and honestly, a little heartbroken. The agent had just had a great week in business, so he felt a wave of kindness wash over him.
He rushed outside, brought them in, and said, “Listen, I know travel isn’t easy on a pension, but I want to treat you both to a luxury vacation—my treat. No strings attached. Just say yes.”
Shocked but thrilled, the couple accepted. The agent had his assistant book two plane tickets and a room at a beautiful five-star resort.

About a month later, the little old lady came back into the shop, smiling.
“How was the trip?” the agent asked.
“Oh, it was just lovely! The flight was wonderful, and the hotel was like something out of a dream,” she said. “I came to say thank you… but I do have one question.”
The agent raised an eyebrow. “Sure, what is it?”
She leaned in and whispered, “Who was that old man I had to share the room with?”
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Borrowed from a FB post...
Bubba loved to hunt, and every Friday after work he would fire up his grill and stoke up his smoker for the weekend and cook venison steaks, roasts and an occasional brisket. Now Bubba lived in a Catholic neighborhood, and this was in the time when Catholics didn't eat meat on Fridays, and the aroma of Bubba's grill wafting through the neighborhood was agonizing, so the neighbors visited the Parish Priest to seek a solution. The Priest decided that if Bubba simply became a Catholic the problem would be solved so he went to visit. Surprisingly Bubba agreed, deciding that attending worship with his neighbors would be a good thing, and the Priest put together a crash course in conversion, and Bubba attended his first Mass where the Priest called him forward, and while sprinkling Holy Water on his head, declared "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but you are now and forevermore a Catholic."
The next Friday the aroma of venison on the grill again wafted through the neighborhood, and the Priest's phone was ringing off the hook with complaints. He rushed to Bubba's house, but stopped dead in his tracks when he rounded the corner into the back yard and found Bubba with a small vial of Holy Water in hand, sprinkling it over the browning meat saying, "You was born a deer, you was raised a deer, but I declare that you is now a CATFISH!" Bubba went back to being Baptist.