The joys of getting old
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The joys of getting old
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.
The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.
This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't f***in'our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"
The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation.
The meeting never really got back to order.
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear".
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder".
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir"?
The value of happiness!!
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Attachment 75723
Hammertime!
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Attachment 75726
Roger I have a set of ratcheting wrenches from craftsman, one of theme falls apart randomly once every 6-8 months, of course it's the one that I probably use the most 1/2" socket size also good for 13 mm! Guess they aren't like the 1978 craftsman tools I got for my Christmas gift at 15 or 16 years of age. My mom was divorced so three boys all got to take auto shop classes so we could afford and fix our own cars!!! Greatest gift was that tool box 99 0r 100 piece tool set!
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fricken badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs..
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FRICKEN BADGE!"
This one is for Johnboy
OK Guys, I have been off for a few day but for good reason, my good reason anyway. Here is the story:
WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
This may be a good Christmas present for Rosie!! For protection, you know? Maybe if we all chip in we can send her one!!Quote:
Originally Posted by TOW'D
I laughed so hard, I about lost control of a body function!
Couldn't breathe, side still hurts, and tears were flowing!
[ Poor Leo!! I hope he can forgive you for this! ]
There was a thought of DREAD!!
NO ... NO he's NOT going to .......
Aww shoot. I'm starting to laugh again!!!
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice
#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - "On time" is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
Gotta love#12
And ain't #13 the truth!
My missus has just told me that She has broken her Sat Nav and wants $150 for a new one.
I told her to get lost.
APHORISMS (a pithy observation that contains a general truth)
It’s not whether you win or lose,
But how you place the blame.
We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun,
Do they know it?
Learn from your parent's mistakes,
Use birth control
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed,
Then skydiving is not for you
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat IS bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest a bad name.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to try to make a living under the laws they've passed.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
Sex education in schools should be just listening to a baby cry for six straight hours at full volume while watching Peppa Pig on repeats.
THAT will ensure they won't have sex!
It's quite ironic that the colours red, white, and blue are associated with freedom, unless they're flashing at you in your rear view mirror.
Can't cure_______?
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Glenn's joke reminded me of my late friend who had a habit of snacking on his dog's Milk Bone dog biscuits. He died a horrible death while laying in the road licking his balls when a truck ran over him.
Expectations.....
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Attachment 75738
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful,
leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply.
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised
the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you
closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could
discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash
ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how
could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
car keys to the old man...
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower
the price...."
"See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day."
sorry to post the same joke twice
fat fingers
Hank
It was good enough to be read twice
SNUFF! Do you remember what Snuff is?
Powdered tobacco, it's taken by putting two small pinches on the back of your hand and inhaling it up nostril, yes, like cocaine!
Well this old guy would always leave his small tin of snuff in the pub, never used it anywhere else. Well, these two village wags go some dry
dog shit and powderized it and mixed it with the snuff!
The old guy orders his pint of bitter and sniffed some snuff. He looks around, under the tables looking for a dog, then he looks under his shoes, "Can anyone smell dog shit?" he questions, silence. Other guy Bob says, "Actually I cant smell anything". "Here, try this", offering some snuff. Ok. Bob sniffed the snuff and exclaimed, that's much better! Now I can smell it!
My wife was going through her wardrobe and said: "Look at this, it still fits me after forty years."
I said "That's a scarf."
Just heard about California doing another crazy thing. Newsom has decided to combine the CHP with Fish and Game under the same roof. They are renaming them Fish and CHIPS. Ponch and John will host the ribbon cutting!
Not hotrod related but I'm sure other can relate. Sure glad I had the GI Bill and was able to pay as I attended college.
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a porno video, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing"
T
Most bald men still own a comb. They just can't part with it.����
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I'll show myself out now.
OUCH! Groaning on the East Coast hee hee hee
Remember when the car overheated?
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Attachment 75771
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car…
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son…,” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins, and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!”, the irate man yelled. “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. Not DOLPHINS!”
I've quit my job at the Cat Shelter.
I had no option as they reduced meowers.
With jokes like that one.. it's no wonder! HAHAHAHA......
My landlord told me he needs to talk to me about my heating bills.
I told him my door is always open.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."
"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
Guess what I bumped into on my way to get my new glasses!
Damned near everything!
We must all do what we can to do our bit and save our planet...
So I've just unplugged a row of electric cars that no-one was using.
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP?, CALL JESUS
0-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
