this page for any jokes you have to post try to keep them clean this was sent to me today just thought I would share:( :p :D :LOL: http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html
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this page for any jokes you have to post try to keep them clean this was sent to me today just thought I would share:( :p :D :LOL: http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html
CHINESE PROVERBS
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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Here's one for ya...in the Holiday Spirit he he he! :rolleyes: :p
he he I never thought of that ?:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
Here's one for ya...in the Holiday Spirit he he he! :rolleyes: :p
here a cold one
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
Here's one my oldest son sent me:
Peanuts
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............
and in the medical corner:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, and holding his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them". The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice, but listen very, very, closely, are...my...test...results...back?"
ow your bad funny but bad! bad! bad!:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Here's one my oldest son sent me:
Peanuts
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............
True, but I bet Jerilynne, the chocolate lover, will get a kick out it.:LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
ow your bad funny but bad! bad! bad!:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: Oh yeahQuote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
and in the medical corner:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, and holding his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them". The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice, but listen very, very, closely, are...my...test...results...back?"
I thought hot rod angle was the choco addicQuote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
True, but I bet Jerilynne, the chocolate lover, will get a kick out it.:LOL: :LOL:
I think they both are. Heck, I am too. :p :p :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
I thought hot rod angle was the choco addic
well I'd better lock my doors wy wife and I are starting our christmas bakeing and lots of chocolate being used:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
I'll be right down. Let's see Anita, Ia to Mohave Valley at 80 MPH average, should be about 20 hours. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
well I'd better lock my doors wy wife and I are starting our christmas bakeing and lots of chocolate being used:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
sh sh don't tell anyone I developing a new chocolate peanut butter fuge cookie can't spell to good my mouth is watering up to much smelling them cookQuote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
I'll be right down. Let's see Anita, Ia to Mohave Valley at 80 MPH average, should be about 20 hours. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Dang, Can you say "Road Trip". That sounds really delicious, John.;) ;) :)Quote:
Originally posted by john gemmer
sh sh don't tell anyone I developing a new chocolate peanut butter fuge cookie can't spell to good my mouth is watering up to much smelling them cook
Man, John we done forgot the jokes. And I forgot to thank you for that link. That was really great.Quote:
O kay before I get in to trouble for hijacking the post here another joke:LOL: :LOL: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big boobs
Oh denny! denny! what are we going to do with you ? I know give me more that was great :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by DennyW
:) Subject: A Heart Warming Story
This will warm your heart.
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. . . Someone who teaches at
a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as
a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to
all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for
the Aged. All of my family has passed away I am all alone now and it's nice
to know that someone is thinking of me God bless you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but
before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Edna Walters
Denny, you've come up with a couple of great jokes. Thanks bud.
And John, nice chatting about chocolate with you.:) :) :) :)
any time I had to change the subject It was makeing me hungery:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Denny, you've come up with a couple of great jokes. Thanks bud.
And John, nice chatting about chocolate with you.:) :) :) :)
Not exactly a joke but one of the funniest things I have seen in years, a great group of guys to call if you have have car trouble.
http://www.kastang.net/pictures/snowtowcar.wmv
Opps I forgot the one about the co-worker with that annoying habit of singing, shuts her up every time (at least temporarily).
http://members.aon.at/pcnet/lachen/stfu.htm
You guys all have a wacked sense of humor!!!! Here's another one from my Christmas Cartoon Collection...I have a girlfriend that supplies my habit ha ha!
that was good can any one say stuck on stupid :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:Quote:
Originally posted by 29Street-Rod
Not exactly a joke but one of the funniest things I have seen in years, a great group of guys to call if you have have car trouble.
http://www.kastang.net/pictures/snowtowcar.wmv
Ha Ha Ha!
Geez, 29 Street Rod, are those guys stuck on terminal stupid or what? Hilarious!!!!! Why did they even think of pulling in that direction?:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Yep, the ol White Rabbit does have the upper hand.:LOL: :LOL: :D :D
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to
heaven.
There, they are all asked, "When you are in your
casket and friends and family are mourning,
what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, " I would like to hear them say
that I was a great doctor of my time, and
a fine family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I
was a wonderful husband and school teacher
who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them
say, " Look! He's moving!"
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,
'That hurt, you moron'?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and
a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays?
Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American
food?
Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all
there's no sense in two people remembering the same things.
Is the real reason women live longer than men because they
don't have to live with women?
16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the
crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.
*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A Daring New Position
JOHN G: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
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A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
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There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
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There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
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A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
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A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
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There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
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:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :rolleyes:
Duane...those are really good!
Denny...mind if I copy that one for my snowman collection? I just love snowman jokes he he he!
I think you hit the nail on the head, they did not think. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when he talked to his insurance man!!Quote:
Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
Geez, 29 Street Rod, are those guys stuck on terminal stupid or what? Hilarious!!!!! Why did they even think of pulling in that direction?:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Here is another one (watch his eyes), when you get your car built and need a test driver this guy should fit the bill.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/noseatbelt.html
Geez...you guys are posting em faster than I can read...sides...my eyes are watering from laughing...CUT IT OUT lol!!!!! :rolleyes: :pQuote:
Originally posted by lt1s10
A Daring New Position
JOHN G: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Here's a silly one...
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
:HMMM: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
hello I'm back!!!:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
some of you have a sick sence humor he he and I love it :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: