I don't care where you from - that's funny!
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I don't care where you from - that's funny!
Ear infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
A bloke walks into the Central Glasgow Library and says to the very prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny buuks on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'F**k off, ye'll no bring it back!
The following is an actual advertisement in an Newfoundland Newspaper.
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see photo below .
Wait for it....
This is good....... (to be sure, to be sure)
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These are genuine excerpts from welfare forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had s e x with a man I met that night. I do remember that the s e x was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had s e x with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.
7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fa rt.
Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these dim wits!!!!!!!!!!!
What Not to Say to a Policeman
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
A friend of mine is often asked, "What do you old folks do now that you're retired?". Well ... He's fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things he enjoys most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine. And he's pretty darn good at it too !! :whacked:
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air,
the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
http://www.petsmart.com/graphics/uc/...lkingbirds.jpgi have a nephew who lives in south america.. a few weeks ago he sent me a live bird for my birthday.. big pretty red thing with a big beak and red belly.. well i cut him up and cooked him with some potatoes an unions... made a sweet tater pie .. gallon of tea .. had a big birthday feast... my nephew called yesterday and asked if i liked the bird ... i said " yes " loved him ... he was delicious.. what !!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN DELICIOUS !!! said my nephew .. did you eat that bird ... i said yes .. he said that bird cost him a fortune !!! . i said well you didnt have to do that for me ... nephew said " you dont know what i mean ... that bird could speak in two languages ... after a moment i said '' well he shoulda said somethin !!!!
Ponderisms
* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing..
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no
attention to criticism.
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?
* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
The Three Stages Of A Man's Life
SINGLE
http://f1126.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downl...1&stationery=1
MARRIED
http://f1126.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downl...1&stationery=1
DIVORCED
http://f1126.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downl...1&stationery=1
ANY QUESTIONS?
Write It Down!
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
A day in the life of a 10 year old boy
For my 10th birthday, my dad got me one of those little longbow Robin Hood 'beginner' kits, of course the first month I went around our land shooting arrows into anything that could get stuck by an arrow.
Did you know that a Farmall tractor takes 6 shots before it goes down?
This got boring, so I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirts doused in chainsaw gas wrapped around the end, and was sending flaming arrows all over the place, just like on the cowboy and Indian shows on Saturday afternoon. Keep in mind this was in the middle of plowed farm land, so no real fire danger.
One spring afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large oak stump in our backyard. I looked over at the carport and saw a shiny, brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can of starting fluid and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it, to a 10yr. old, "ether" doesn't sound flammable. So I went into the house and got a 1 pound can of dad's muzzle loader black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little around the ether can, but it all sorta dumped out on me. No big deal I thought... 1 pound of black gun powder and 16 oz. of starting ether should make a pretty loud pop, kinda like a 2" firecracker you know? You know what? The heck with that, I'm going back into the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of powder and dumped it too!
Now we're cooking! I stepped back about 15 yds. and lit the chainsaw gas soaked arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let it fly. As I released, I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of his truck... Oh No! He had just gotten home from work. So help me God, it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the ether can target. My dad was walking toward me in slow motion with a "what's happening" look in his eyes. I turned back toward my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the either can right at the bottom, right through the main pile of black powder.
When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back, or just a reflex jerk from the 265 decibels of sound. I caught a half millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion, and I will tell you there, hovering 1 foot above the ground as far as I could see, and low to the ground a dust fog, full of grasshoppers, bugs and tree bark. The daylight turned purple, let me repeat this... THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a big pear tree out by the back gate going into the pasture... notice I said 'was'. So here I am on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes, my T-shirt shredded, and my dad is on the other side of the carport having, what I can only assume, are flashbacks of his WWII combat experiences. His hat had been blown off his head and was 35 feet behind him in the dirt driveway. All the windows on the North side of the house were blown out and there was a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 feet high over our backyard. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment... I know I said something, but I couldn't hear, I couldn't even hear inside my own head. I don't think dad heard me either... not that it really matters. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt sharp pain, and then woke up later, felt more sharp pain, blacked out, woke later... then there was a repeat this process for an hour or so. You get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR, so dad could whallop me some more. Brought me back to life so dad could kill me again. Thanks mom!
One thing for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitchin' about that stump for years. I stepped up to the plate and took care of business!
Dad sold all his muzzle loaders a week or so later, and I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast, the beating, or both! And that, friends was only one day in my 10 year old life, way back then:D
The Devil's Lawsuit
There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the injectors"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there isn't anything wrong with your eyesight."
In the spirit of RestoRod's post on Seniors...Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier..
New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any 20 pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS... or in Menopause...!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
Is Texas great state or what? (I doubt this is true but it certainly is entertaining)
In Texas , a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was running away with her purse.
He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was left holding just the gun.
When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied:
"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."
She was acquitted of all charges.
That's the way it is in Texas .
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...........AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED :
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
*** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
*** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started.
***** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....
**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...
**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight got started....
**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight got started.....
WHERE TO RETIRE
Since I already retired a couple of years ago and my wife just did a few months ago, this is a very important set of criteria for us to consider now that NY has become the 2nd most expensive state - just behind CA and just ahead of NJ.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6.. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3.. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car .
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them
he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let
him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
4X4 friends Mike left to go home to his wife.
When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week
who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up ,
fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of
coals..
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered
my eyes and said, surprise!!
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
bed and you can do whatever you want."
So Here I am!
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten
into trouble at school and at home.
Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother,
being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over
the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have
behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny
Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God:
This is your friend, Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year
and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend,
Johnny
Johnny knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God:
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike
for my birthday. Thank you, Johnny
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny
wrote another letter.
Letter 4
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you, Johnny
Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
a bike. By now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
Mom that he wanted to go to church.
Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked as Johnny looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Johnny's mother told him.
Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Johnny began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.
'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?
'He is a veterinarian, she answered.
'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.
'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, in Nevada , he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno .
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,'What was that all about?'
She explained . . .
'The egg timer is broken'
The Wedding Fairy:
A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember ... fairies are female.....
The Creation of Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so.
Church Potluck
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Ben, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."
The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy,"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Hope this doesn't produce too many groans!!!
It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in ten did.
a friend of mine dates girl named kate .. but he`s also looking hard at a woman named edith .. he asked for my advice .. i said jim !! .. you cant have your kate -and edith too :rolleyes:
This is an Incredible story!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull*#%^ stories.
For the serious hobbyist/DIY practitioner who has everything else. Cordless, too!
New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.
It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze,
you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
With the five hundred round magazine, you can build even the longest fence with a minimum of reloading.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else again.
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to actually writing the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." The farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper nodded and went back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute... are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer replied, "Oh, no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."
1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I
didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes..
21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Nice post! It is really interesting.