Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.

"Ten years is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"

The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

I guess all the jokesters have gone for the holidays, be glad when they get back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new
store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put
his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior
walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you
sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'



Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi)


....and now a photo of my plumber cleaning the drain trap sighhhhhh.

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when
a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
$5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
You've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !"

an elderly priest was making his way down the street one day and came accross a young boy sitting on the curb with a jar full of a clear liquid,,

the priest said, whatta ya got there son?

young fellar replied, well sir i have the most powerfull liquid in the world.. its turpintine

the priest smiled and said, son holly water is more powerful than that..

young boy looked puzzled at the priest and said sir?

the priest said, son, holy water is very powerful, if you rub it on a womans belly she'll pass a baby..

young fellar said, well sir if you rub this stuff on a cats ass, he'll pass a motorcycle...

I was in the Ritzy Lounge last week en route to London.
While in the lounge, I noticed Donald Trump sitting in leather chair enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to London with me but she was running a bit late.

I approached Mr Trump and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Peter" at me when I was with my client.
He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Donald Trump. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said "G'day Peter, good to see you!"
To which I replied: "**** off, Trump! Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every
now and then they send us a free box of candles.

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was tryin g
to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every
now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and
about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Father O’Malley and Rabi Rebiniwitz were lifelong friends. They lived in one of New York’s up-scale areas and often spent time together socially and every year traveled by train to Washington DC to attend an ecumenical conference. It was on one such trip that the good priest broached a touchy subject.

“Ruben, we’ve been friends a long time,” he began.

“Yes we have, Michael,” came the priests reply.

“Do you mind if inquire in a personal nature?” continued the priest.

“Of course not - ask me anything and as Jehovah is my witness I’ll speak the truth to you,” replied the Rabbi.

“Well, I often wondered, have you ever eaten pork?”

The Rabi went to the door of their train compartment and glanced first up and then back down the aisle of the train. Satisfied that no one was within ear shot, he sat back down and responded, “If you must know, every Thursday for the past twenty years, I’ve changed into street clothing, put on a Yankees ball cap and gone over to the Bronx and eaten a ham sandwich, drank a Knickerbocker beer and watched a ball game in a local bar.”

It was quiet for a while with just the clickity-clack of the train’s wheel being heard. The Rabbi cleared his throat and began, “Michael, now that you know my little secret, may I ask you a personal question?”

“Why of course you may, Ruben and as God is my witness, I’ll be giving you the plain truth,” said the priest.

“Well Michael, have you ever been with a woman?” came the Rabbi’s question.

The priest rose and not only looked up and down the train’s aisle, he gently closed the door and then began, “If you must know, for the past twenty years, Sister Alice and I have been seeing each other. We meet at a small motel in Atlantic City on the first Tuesday of the month and enjoy the passion.”

After another short silence, the Rabbi looked across at the priest with a wicked grin and said, “sure beats a ham sandwich doesn’t it?”

These are genuine clips from British council house tenants, complaining to their landlord council about problems with their homes...

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it...

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore...

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow...

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up it's now getting too much for me

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat would you do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence...

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand...?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall...

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant...

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the other 50% of them are are plain filthy...

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers...

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared...

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink...

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off...

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous...

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it...

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage...

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the Labour Day marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 5000 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?

‘Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! '

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Lord No he says.........just when it's raining’.

Jehovah's Witness Deterrent

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it –


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

The German Shepherd, the Monkey and the Leopard‏

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before to0 long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.