Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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World's shortest fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, drove fast cars and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and Jack Daniels bourbon and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted and scratched whenever he wanted. THE END

now thats a good one dave.

For Everything Else.. There's Mastercard

I was confused when I heard the word 'service ' used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service '
Postal 'Service '
Telephone 'Service '
Cable TV 'Service '
Civil 'Service '
Provincial, City, County & Public 'Service '
Customer 'Service '


This is not what I thought 'service ' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service ' a few cows.


BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the
injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the
road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife
scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted
Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who
didn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot .

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses
and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when
a truck hit us."

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married...... for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she stated.
Interesting, the interviewer thought.
Then he asked her if she wouldn't mind telling a bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a moment, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a moment, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly that she had married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's and, now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married men of such diverse careers.
"Easy son," she answered.
"I married one for the money,... two for the show,... three to get ready and four to go."

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Democrats, realizing the big success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization - Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, - and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, - similar to that given to the engines of the 'clunker' trade ins. This will insure that they like the vehicle 'clunkers' are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.


Judging by this I should be gone soon. I'll miss you guys...

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.


Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!


In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!


I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.


What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.



Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same way and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?





The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time, please take me to a vet!

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. ' To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. ' The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'

When I was married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.'
Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10- inch black and white TV.

I have no photos but the facts are very interesting.......



Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?


Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.


They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.




The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....










..."freeze a jolly good fellow?"


Oh you were S0OO easy !!!!

grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv......
the evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed...

grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip..

grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch...
grandma looked at him with disgust: "you just don't understand, you old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."