Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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TEXAS
BLONDES
Three Blondes were all applying
for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three
of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect..
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features
and oddities such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about
this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only
one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a
profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see
one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last
blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...
'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds
and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture
and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and
said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking
at his picture?'

Are you ready for this????




The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear,
he certainly can't wear glasses.'

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Another Blonde Joke

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."


The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Two guys, (Bill and Bob) are driving along and there just minding their own drinking a few buds. Bill driving seen some flashing lights and says to Bob, "Hey, ain't that some cops up under way, with the road blocked?" Bob says "Yep, Well what are we gonna do with are beer?" Bill then said, "Well just drink the rest of what we got and take the labels off and stick it to our forehead and throw the bottles in the ditch"...So they did, they drank the last two then took the labels off and threw the bottles in the ditch, then stuck the labels on their forehead. Bill and Bob pulled up to the cops and Ronny the cop shined a flashlight in the pickup and asked them "You boys been drinking tonight?" And without a beat missed Bill replied "Nope, we're on the patch!"

Be careful what you ask for

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, an d shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

' God Bless America '

>> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
>> Shithead's.
>>
>> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0
>> in college was my blood alcohol content.
>>
>> 3. I live in my own little world
>> but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>>
>> 4. I saw a rather large woman
>> wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
>> said," Thyroid problem?"
>>
>> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause
>> I find I get the same effect just by standing up really
>> fast.
>>
>> 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:
>> "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>>
>> 7. Money can't buy happiness
>> but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>>
>> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I
>> really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>>
>> 9. If flying is so safe, why do
>> they call the airport the "terminal"?
>>
>> 10. I don't approve of
>> political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
>>
>> 11. The most precious thing we have
>> is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
>>
>> 12. If life deals you lemons, make
>> lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
>>
>> 13. I love being married. It's
>> so great to find that one special person you want to annoy
>> for the rest of your life.
>>
>> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes
>> for a buck at bowling alleys.
>>
>> 15. I am a nobody, nobody is
>> perfect, so therefore I am perfect.
>>
>> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous
>> record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
>>
>> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a
>> genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world
>> peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>>
>> 18. No one ever says "It's
>> only a game!" when their team is winning.
>>
>> 19. How long a minute is, depends
>> on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
>>
>> 20. Isn't having a smoking
>> section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
>> swimming pool?
>>
>> 21. Marriage changes
>> passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>>
>> 22. Why is it that most nudists are
>> people you don't want to see naked?
>>
>> 23. Snowmen fall from Heaven
>> unassembled.
>>
>> 24. Every time I walk into a
>> singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick
>> that up, you don't know where it's been.
>
>
>
>

You can tell these anywhere - without regard to age or company!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was cre ated out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

Regards All,
Glenn

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep

The little boy yells out,



'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneeze, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine..

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes..

21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...

Sometimes the bull wins.'

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure.."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For IRISH:


Irishman on a Desert Island


One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

You've all heard or seen the Girls Gone Wild vids. Now Washington is releasing the Goverment Gone wild vid. Kinda the same as the GGW vid except they show us their nuts.