Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

When my mother-in-law's goldfish died she thought a good replacement would be a hamster.

The poor little thing drowned in seconds.
.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

I didn't fart!

That was my backside blowing you a kiss.

The Australians have finally discovered the origin of the word 'Vegan.'

Apparently it's an old Aboriginal word for 'Bad Hunter.'

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol!









Like Customs Officers and Police...
.

In my experience you need only two tools in the workshop:

WD40 if it doesn't move and it should, and duct tape if it does move and it shouldn't.
.

Bob-The-Boss was suffering a minor cash flow problem, so decided he'd have to reduce staff numbers to manage his way through it. But he couldn't decide who to fire.
He finally whittled it down to a choice between two; Jack or Jill as they were the two most recently employed.
To make his choice the next day he thought he'd fire the next one to visit the water cooler.
Jill, after a night out with her friends on the bottle came to work next day and headed straight for the cooler.
So Bob walked up to her and said "I've decided I have to either lay you or Jack off..."
Jill interrupted him with the reply "Could you jack off? I feel like s**t."
.

Robert was due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died. He decided he needed a woman to enjoy himself with it, so went to a single bar
where he met a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now I'm just an ordinary bloke," he told her, "but within a couple of months my father will pass away and I'll inherit 30 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert that night and four days later became his stepmother.
.

"I was out golfing the other day, was on the second tee when I noticed a big frog sitting next to the tee. I thought nothing of it, and was just about to address the ball when I heard "Rebbitt! Nine iron!"
I looked around and saw no-one, and again I heard "Rebbitt! Nine iron."
I looked at the frog, and thinking to prove him wrong decided to put the club away and use the nine iron.
Boom! I hit it 10 inches away from the cup. I was shocked! I said to the frog "Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog eh?"
"Rebbitt! Lucky frog," it replied.
So I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" I asked.
"Rebbitt! Three wood," it replied.
So I took my three wood out and...Bam! A hole in one!
And so it went on to the end of the day, I had the best days golf I've had in my life.
So I said to the frog "Okay, where next?"
"Rebbitt. Crown Casino." So off we went to the Casino."
And the frog said "Rebbitt! Roulette."
Approaching the roulette wheel I asked the frog "What should I bet?"
"Rebbitt. Black six $3000."
This is a million-to-one shot, but after the golf I reckoned I was onto a good thing, and sure enough a stack of chips came sliding across the table.
I took my winnings and the frog and got the best room in the hotel. I put the frog down and said "Frog, I don't know how to repay you, you gave me the best round of golf ever, and won me enough money to retire in comfort. I am forever grateful!"
The frog said "Rebbitt! Kiss me."
I figured that after all the frog had done for me it would be churlish to refuse such a simple request, so I kissed the frog.
There was a blinding flash and instantly the frog turned into a 17 year old girl.
And that your Honour is how I finished up with that girl in my hotel room."
.

So, wee Jimmy is sitting at the dining table doing his homework.
He turns to his mum, Sheilia, and says, "Maw, would you do this homework for me?"
Senga looks at him and says, "No Jimmy, you know that it if I did it then that wouldn't be right."
Jimmy replies, "I know maw, but you could try and do your best!"

Y'all know it's the same for you, too!!!

FB_IMG_1718573903784.jpg

"Every time I sneeze" says the blonde to her doctor, "I have an orgasm."
"What are you taking for it?" he asks.

"Pepper."

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetery. Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his wits. Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone, “ Thank goodness! ” Jack says to the man, “ You gave me the fright of my life. Why are you working so late?” “They spelt my name wrong”

here are five different kinds of sex:
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
And the last, fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in court.