Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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AN AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:



"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."


"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."


"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."


"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.


"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

A church's bell ringer passed away.
The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job.
The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
They gave him the job on the spot.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below.
Two priests were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The other responded . . . . . . . . .














"No, but his face rings a bell."

Didn't see that comin' did ya?!?

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for
the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much
will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would
need were in the garage.

The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not
realize that our porch goes all the way round the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blond jokes."

A few hours later the blond came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her
along with a £10 tip.

"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an
Audi".

Sewing on a wee button..........

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god" what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, and she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread Mr. MacDonald walked in."

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement ...and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he is my right-hand man, and he is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

I'm always a little skeptical when I read these these types of stories, but these seem to have the right feel.

a_1028_20141111152803.jpg

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're
not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."

The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went directly into his
bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody Spell Check!!

Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to "your Wifi'."


.

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of Marine Corp Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300+ miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander demanding a response and criticizing the pilots and their tactics as well as questioning their intelligence at flying so near the Interstate.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the highly trained and very intelligent Marine piloting the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system mere seconds before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

Cheers !!

Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."


.

My previous wife and I bought a water bed.....but we soon drifted apart

I heard a good quote yesterday about bad luck
" If I fell in a swimming pool full of titties I'd come up sucking my own thumb"

cracked me up

Colin.jpg
!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's one of the best one's I've heard in a long time.
Thanks for the chuckle!