Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

Advice for anyone moving to the South

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity.” And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

5. Don't tell us how you did it up north. Nobody cares.

6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in November.

7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is.

8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

10. If you are driving a slower moving vehicle, on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

12. Yes, weddings, funerals, and divorces must take into account for football games (High School and College only).

13. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.

14. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious; we will sit there until we die.

15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.

16. We respect the flag and the national anthem.

17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.

18. Starting a sentence with “God love her…” gives license for one woman to say anything negative about another woman. Note: This only applies while at church or in the presence or church ladies – men are absolutely forbidden from using this phrase.

19. “I’ll tell you what…” and “Them ‘ol boys…” constitute complete sentences.

20. No matter what kind: Sprite, Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or Dr. Pepper - it isn't called soda or pop. It is all called “coke”.

21. We throw our hands up at random strangers passing by. It’s normal.

22. There will always be a tractor on the two lane when you are running late, so allow time for that.

23. Sweet tea is a food group.

24. Yonder IS a word.

23. If you don't like the weather wait 15 minutes, it will change

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning..."
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put into an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup..."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"
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I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot.
There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

A Kiwi girl married a Spanish man and went to live in Spain.
She can't speak Spanish so every time she goes to the market to buy Chicken legs she would lift her skirt and show her thighs to the seller so he would understand her.
One day she wanted to buy bananas, so she asked her husband to come to the market with her...






Because her husband speaks Spanish.
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Gee, you've got a dirty mind...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!

"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
.

..........
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It must be a tourist bus taking passengers door to door.
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A man asked a fairy to make him desirable and irresistible to all women.

So she turned him into a credit card.
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I just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night I'm not covered.
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A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
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What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

U. C. L. A.
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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two women named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age, it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"