Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

The mother in law came over for tea.
"Why does that dog of yours keep staring at me?" she asked.
"It's his plate you're eating off." I said.
.

A little girl was at a wedding with her parents. Slightly confused after the nuptials she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind.
"What do you mean?" responded her mother looking perplexed.
"Well," said the little girl with the kind of observational powers only a child can manage "She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another!"
.

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S then 1 2 3" she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times but it didn't work, so we called the wife in.
As she input the password she muttered "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123'. "
.

I saw Hank's joke about circumcision a day or three ago and its had me wondering.
Does anyone know if you can get circumcised at any age, or is there a cutoff?

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."
.

An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub.
The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”
The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically ow themselves at me.”
The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”
The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”
So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever.
A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”
.

A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $12.99.
“Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $13.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously.
“Yes!”… stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then,”…the wife said..
“Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
“Raw and in the shell,”…the wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs.

The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house.

The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs.


Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"

"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal.


"Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you."


Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"


"Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself.


"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying. The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

"Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately." "Not really,"


The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."

One day wife and husband watch TV together and finally one of them breaks the silence..
Wife: "What are you getting me for our 30 year anniversary?"
Husband: "I'm taking you to Africa."
Wife: "Wow that’s amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 40th?"

Husband: "I will go over there to pick you up."
.

We may have seen this one before, but it still makes me smile....

This Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The biker took the money.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
.

NOPE!! I don't care how late it is, how many hours we've been driving, or how far it is to the next place, NOT STOPPING HERE!! WE'LL KEEP DRIVING!!!
-

I once sold security alarms door to door.

If nobody was home I'd leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
.

Mary said to Paddy "Oh sweetheart, what did you ever do to deserve a woman like me?"
Paddy replies "God knows, but I won't be doing it again!"
.