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re Golf:
1 . BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
It was once said a black man would be president of the United States when pigs fly!
I’ll be darned 100 days into Obama’s presidency....
Swine flu!!!
Now this is a grill!!
A modern day Texas cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him..
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA
(Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the female genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm
not going trust a FEMA genie...'
'What do you have to lose?
You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded
by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes,
the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached
Subject: Speeding in Pennsylvania
Speeding in Pennsylvania :
1) Good:
An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP
AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading
'TIPS' . . .
and a bucket full of money.
(And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State
Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a
moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car......
Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you
can't change Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over
my mouth "If you can read this, thank a Teacher and since it's in
English, thank a Soldier!!!
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
An Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to fleet services and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about that he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the reserve captain pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says,"Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's rumps are beginning to look pretty good to me, I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 below, and my job here is to pump the latrines on your aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right , and can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss . . . and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly..
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead
if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice......
"Shit, I missed."
FACTS TO PONDER:
FACT # 1
Physicians:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about FACT # 2:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT # 3: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on
Lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short
skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her
hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."
Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly
at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the
first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.:eek:
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses
along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, " Sc**w him.......give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"