Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't
get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
we rode our bikes, we ad no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster
seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one
soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from
this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with
sugar, but we weren't overweight because.....

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into
the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound,
CD's or ipods, no cell! phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or
chat
rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks
and
tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out
very
many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They
actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . CONGRATULATIONS!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't
it?!

Damn right ,what did not kill us made us stronger, the thing that used to happen that i like most, but you cant do now, is woop your kids ass right there in the store if they were misbehaving, yuo do that now you get the cops called

We didn't get wooped in the store BUT There is a fleshy part of your underarm that got pinched HARD and if you cryed it got harder. To much B/S and it was off to the car or Wait till I tell your DAD. He always sidded with Mom

Men and Therapy!!!

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world , as your reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle."

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty, unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."

"Well ," said Arthur, "Professional to Professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Originally Posted by cffisher

We didn't get wooped in the store BUT There is a fleshy part of your underarm that got pinched HARD and if you cryed it got harder. To much B/S and it was off to the car or Wait till I tell your DAD. He always sidded with Mom

O-w-w-w Don't I remember that - dam'!! It still hurts now that you made me recall those times. My psychologist wife and daughter #2 would tell me that my repressed memories have returned. OUCH.

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him ''What's for dinner dad?''
''You'll see'' he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. ''Ok'' says her dad "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me''
His daughter screams... ''Don't eat it Jimmy!...... It's an arsehole...!!!''

Dave

Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry Ed," said the doctor...

"I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live
on!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when
you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost
would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large".


The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man
called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor
came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.


"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.


The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'."




------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92
year old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if
she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex. He could fly."

A nurse walks into a bank... Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great, just great... Some asshole's got my pen."


Dave

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls", but how many of us really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, a scenario defining each is listed below...


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the door by your angry wife who’s brandishing a broom , and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, sporting lipstick on your collar, smelling of perfume and beer, then slapping your angry wife on the butt and announcing:

"You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.