Racist, Tacky,Un-P.C.,Crude,Vulgar,Un-called for and Disgusting...............Keep up the good work!!!:D
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Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME . '
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
PHONES IN CHURCH
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on thevestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read
'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, and Milwaukee and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Iowa, upon entering a church in Des Moines, behold he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'
Fascinated, he sked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Iowa now . . .. . You're in God's Country, It's a local
call.'
American by Birth -- An Iowan by the Grace of God
HOLY EMAIL
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going..
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Glen, it' says I should of made like you,(renu)but I goofed.:LOL::LOL:
he also said you were suppose to give me your car !!:3dSMILE:
Hmmm.. I keep that in mind.
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked him,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, Tony.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's dad wants to talk to you.'
Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or stupid shit head anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the wall light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
Little Melissa attends third grade.
After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Christian Girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. "And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Soldiers can shoot the Son of a B*tch."
Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:
Which Tire?
A Blonde is watching the
news with her husband when the
newscaster says "Two Brazilian men
die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her
husband, sobbing "That's
horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were
skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"How many is a Brazilian?"
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Vancouver immigration office.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Canada with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
PING !
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder.'I need a big house with a three-car garage in North Vancouver on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'
PING !
In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. '
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Canadians.'
PING !
The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Canucks T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?' The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White Canadian you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
top of their car which said: 'Two Prostitutes --$50.00.'
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you
don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their
sign down and drove off..
The following day found the same police officer in the
area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with
a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with
them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
Two Fallen Angels seeking Peter -- $50.
For all us ex-"cargo plane jockeys"
Why we love children:
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us
stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling
from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back
seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The girl answered
with 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She's hitting the bottle.'4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and
then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about
6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and
continued writing the report.. 'My mother said if I ever
needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' she
inquired. 'Yes, that's right' I told her..
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
in at me . 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, 'What did he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never
believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?' he asked. Shereplied, 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that
nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son
and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for
the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was
chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the
Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said toher mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I
found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got
there, dear?' she asked. With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO
BED AND FORGET IT.
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
That`s good!!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife..
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries, the young man at the next table turned to them. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we don't mind sharing everything.'
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again leaned over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'You must be hungry; what is it you're waiting for?'
She answered quietly . . . ..
'The teeth...'
An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your $30 back, now f*** off.'
Larry goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you.'
Larry replies: 'Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Larry, how is your hearing now?'
Larry says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!
Understanding the stimulus Bill
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.
The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."
The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."
The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on
a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see
you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost nearly 60lbs!
Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
follow my instructions?
The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus,
I t'aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f*ckin' skippin'.'
"No, from the f*ckin' skippin"
BUAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Government job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?
This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that
Photo on the night stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks..
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
He continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied.
'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the “Suleman”…
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
There were 2 men out hunting in the woods and they came upon a large hole in the ground. They could not see the bottom of the hole and were trying to determine how deep it was. They looked around and saw an old Car Transmission where someone had disposed of it in the woods.
"Lets throw this old Transmission in the hole and see how deep it is."
They both struggled and tossed the transmission into the hole, but they never heard it hit bottom. About that time a Hunting Dog came running as fast as it could and dove head first into the hole. They both looked at each other bewildered, wondering what had just happened.
About that time another hunter came running up and asked if the 2 had seen his dog.
"Well as a matter of fact we have. He came running as fast as he could and dove head first into this deep hole in the ground."
The man looking for his dog said "That's impossible, I tied him real tight to an old Transmission."
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
Here's a great video for man candles, called mandles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-6ph7NWoBM
A boy looks out the window of the airplane he was on, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2
miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft.
Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling
and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything
to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them
to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the
drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a short while and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
Two college kids from Boston were driving through Texas on the way to visit a friend from college. They were blasting down the Interstate at about 85MPH when a Texas State Trooper pulled them over. Seeing the out of state plates, the trooper decides to have a bit of fun.
When the trooper, who happened to be about 6', 6" and weigh 245, approached the car, the driver asks, "what seems to be the problem?" at which point the trooper grabs the kid, pulls his face real close and says, "boy, when you're driving in Texas and a trooper pulls you over, you had better have your license, registration and proof-of-insurance ready and waiting and don't you ever speak to a trooper unless you're asked to!"
Shaken, the young man fumbles through the glove box and produces the required documents for the trooper who then ambles back to his cruiser. After a few minutes, the trooper returns to the car, hands the driver his stack of paper with a speeding ticket on top. The trooper then walks slowly around the front of the car and comes to the passenger side and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the passenger rolls down the window, the trooper reaches in and cracks the passenger with a good back hand.
"What was that for?" gasped the passenger.
"I was just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"My wish?" exclaimed the young man!
"Yup - cause I just know that as your buddy pulls out of here, you'll say, 'I wish that trooped had tried something like that with me!' Have a nice day boys and remember, drive safe in Texas."
A letter to my bank.
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the
moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is
returned marked "Insufficient Funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest
and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the
synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest
went for the Memorial Stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how
big is it ?"
"Two and a half carats."