Sad indeed! :)
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Sad indeed! :)
My preference is Miracle Whip.:3dSMILE:
Jack.
Sinko de Miracle?
My former D-I-L would prefer to be dis-mayoed, she does like her Miracle Whip, though.
So I was talking with this self-absorbed world traveler. When she finished bragging about all the places she had visited she asked me, "Have YOU ever been abroad? " "No," I replied, "I've always been a guy."
Thought this one was kind of cute.
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An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the
car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said
the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there.
You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?"
replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the older couple and handed them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa."
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could
you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble"
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and
off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
Sing this to the Julie Andrews tune from Sounds of Music - "My Favourite Things"
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
I had to borrow these
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Heather.
Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 15th anniversary.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway."
Robot Story:
A father buys a robot lie detector
that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house
watching movies."
DAD ASKS, "WHAT MOVIE DID YOU WATCH?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.
ROBOT FOR SALE.
-At my age I realize that:
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop antagonizing me.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of ice cream is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Geez, Fitz, that's not a joke, those are facts of life, and more applicable to each day as they come along. I got in hot water for number two this morning; my Bride said something, and I "rolled my eyes out loud"; I didn't mean to, but that's the way it worked out, and now I'm in self imposed time out with the computer for company.
.
Been there.
Done that.
You have my sympathy.
This will no doubt put Coke out of business in the near future…!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Millennial song
https://www.youtube.com/embed/hLpE1Pa8vvI
Walking Downtown . . .. . .
So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye,
but asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have
a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding
Muslims and illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?"
.
The good Pope
The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Removing..
This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.
They won't get offended here,they love naughty: YellowBullet.com: News
hope this test will amuse not offend
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You should time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
8. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
A guy was a passenger in a NYC Taxi. After sitting silently in the back seat for for 15 minutes he reaches forwards and taps the taxi drivers on his shoulder.
The driver starts to scream, swerves the taxi nearly hitting a bus, and stops inches from a shop window.
"Holy Cow, your jumpy aren't you, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.
"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for last 20 years."
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by.
What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?"
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow," replied the cabby.
.
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and would not even look at a cow. I had beginning to think I had paid too much for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pill the Vet gave him..........but they taste like peppermint
Days like this.....
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A dear friend of mine has been feeling somewhat down lately - lack of energy, no motivation, no appetite and just kind of wasting away. He finally went to the doctor and after running a lot of tests the doctor said they have identified the problem but before continuing the doctor wanted to speak to my friends wife about his condition. So they both went to the doctor's office and the doctor indicated that my friend should wait in the reception area and he needed to privately speak with his wife. Once behind the closed doors, the doctor explained that my friend was suffering from a know condition. While this condition was yet to be named, the medical field had determined the most successful course of treatment.
The doctor told her, "The only chance your husband has involves sex two, or better yet,three times every day for the next month."
Nodding her head, she walked out into the reception area where her husband was anxiously waiting. "Well?" he asked, "What did the doctor say?"
She looked at him - slowly nodding her head side-to-side, "The doctor says you're going to die....."
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . .
This is only a joke..
RABBITS:
Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits, and you don't get fond of them!
A Plumber (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates..
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates,
shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter
and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments,
but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.
Is it because I'm a Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades )
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope
that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained,
He said,"In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
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"What's a headache?"
If you are female and reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -
Tiger Woods turns to Stevie Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, in dismay, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
Confucius says:
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
STORY OF 2 BEGGARS…
This is how you can get rich….
Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hasam says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Hasam shows Habib his sign.
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Syria.'
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild love, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY!" he shouted. "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down his face he swore he’d never visit another Thai Brothel!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital..one's in a korma... the other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in... GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A Retired Person's Perspective:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably pissed off.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'
The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a £50 note.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'
'Don't be flattered' she replied...
'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'
Women can be so cruel !!