Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An elderly gentleman went to a local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied,"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut them into four pieces." The pharmacist said," Thats to small a dose.That won't get you through intimacy." The old fellow said," Oh, I'm past eighty years old and don't even think of intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute Blonde.
>
>He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've
>heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
>your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
>
>The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
>guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
>"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
>
>"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
>you a question first. . . a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
>stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
>flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose
>that is?"
>
>The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
>
>"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
>discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"
>
>

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said" Your barracks door is open". Not a phrase that men normaly use, he went on his way looking puzzled. When he was about done shopping a man came up to him and said "Your fly is open". He zipped up and finished shopping. At the checkout counter he intentionaly got in line where the lady was that told him about his "Barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reach the counter he said,"When you saw my barracks door open,did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,"No No I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

If you think these are funny you should see me trying to type that fast.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,"Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get to much of it , we wear rubbers." And the congregation said,"AMEN".

A couple of good pictures.

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long
>>>> before
>>>> I
>>>> can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of
>>>> customers
>>>> and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
>>>>
>>>> A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
>> asked,
>>>> "How
>>>> long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the
>>>> shop
>>>> and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
>>>>
>>>> A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
>>>> "How
>>>> long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the
>> shop
>>>> and
>>>> said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
>>>>
>>>> The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
>>>> Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
>>>> has
>>>> to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".
>>>>
>>>> A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
>>>> hysterically.
>>>> The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves! ?"
>>>> Bill
>>>> looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
>>
>>
>>

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an irish gas station. Completely unaware of who the golf pro is, the attendent greets him in typical Irish fashion with a hearty "Top o' the mornin' to ya!!" As Tiger gets out of his car, two tees fall out of his pocket." So, what are those things called laddie" asks the attendent. They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be using them for"? asked the irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
AW, Jaysus, Mary an Joseph!" Exclames the irishman, Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,

"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"






"Because you got an F in sex

Three old ladies are sitting in the park, minding their own business.

All of a sudden this guy springs out of the bushes and flashes them!

The first lady had a stroke.

The second lady had a stroke.



The third ladys arms were to short.

Originally Posted by Supa Roosta

The third ladys arms were to short.

One blazing hot Sunday afternoon Ruby and Sapphire were just sitting around.
Ruby turns to Sapphire and says, "Sapphire, ratha than us juss sittin here sweatin, we should do sumthin."
Sapphire in agreement says, "K-Ruby watcha wanna do?"
Ruby says, "I got it, less go down to the Zoo!"
So they both head off to the Zoo, when they arrive sweat is just pouring off the poor women.
Ruby says, "Sapphire we needs some Ice Cream b'fore we passes out!"
So they both purchase ice cream cones and pause for the moment in the shade to enjoy the ice cream.
As Ruby starts licking her ice cream Sapphire notices something. "Ruby lookie here, that there Gorilla sho is watchin you with that ice cream cone."
So Ruby steps up closer to the cage and slowly and seductively starts licking the ice cream cone in front of the Gorilla.
Seeing the Gorilla getting excited she taunts it further by placing the ice cream deeper in her mouth.
The Gorilla goes nuts and starts pulling on the bars and jumping up and down.
Ruby seeing the reaction takes it a step further.
She tilts her head back, opens her mouth and while holding the ice cream well above her head she lets it drop.
"GULP!!!!"
The Gorila goes ballistic. Reaches through the bars, pulls Ruby in and has his way with her.
Amoungst the screaming and thrashing the Zoo keeper arrives with a tranquilizer gun and shoots the Gorilla.
The Gorila goes down, EMS arrives, loads Ruby up and takes off.
A week goes by and Sapphire decides she should go see how her friend is doing in the hospital.
As Sapphire is approaching Rubys room she can hear the most pitiful moaning and groaning.
"OWWWWWwwwww, OOOOOOOooohhhhh,,,OOOOWWWwwwww....
Sapphire sticks her head through the door and there laying in bed, in traction, wrapped from head to toe in bandages is Ruby.
"Ooooohh poor,,,pooorrrr Ruby,,,," says Sapphire
"OOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwww,,,,OOOOoooohhhh,,,,"moans Ruby
"Oh poor Ruby,,, tell me does it hurt,,,, does it hurt?????"

Ruby groans, "Ooooooohh does it hurt,,,, does it HURT???


GIRL, HE HASN'T WRITTEN,,,,,HE HASN'T CALLED!!!!"

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said," Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying," That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said," I am sorry, but I realy need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "Thats better, but it's still not nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners" " I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were
about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

I wonder if the dog will work on wives also...hehe