Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life." says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison."

I WILL GO DOWN ON YOU AND MAKE YOU EXTREMELY HAPPY.
BUT ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU THINK IT IS GOING TO
GET BETTER

THEN I WILL COME BACK UP AND SCREW YOU LIKE NO OTHER!!

SINCERELY,

YOUR GAS PRICES

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation,"Someone in
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the
Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this."

"Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher
continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde
with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
”Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never
said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a
couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the
ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"

This is a "heads up" for any of your who may be regular Home Depot
customers. As you know I have been busy with my waterfall and now my front yard.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at
Home Depot. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite an
event.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the
scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping stuff into the trunk. They both
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy tee-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and instead ask you
for a ride to another near by location. You agree and they get in the back
seat.


On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and starts having sex with you, while the other one
steals your wallet.





I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 8th, 10th, twice on the 15th, on the
17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend.

I'm going to Home Depot today any one need anything

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the begining, and when I confront him, he denies everything. Whats worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost his job 4 years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, and cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, While I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from college he dosen't even pretend to like me and hints that I'm a lesbian. What should I do? Signed Clueless

Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

So this Jewish guy goes to his rabbi and says, "Feh! Rabbi, I got this problem you wouldn't believe. All my life I've been a good Jew. My father was a good Jew. But my son, the schlep, he turns Christian. What is a good Jew to do?!?"

The Rabbi gets a thoughtful look and says, "Its a funny thing you should mention that, I got that same problem. We should go to the temple and ask the head rabbi."

So they walk to the temple and find the head rabbi.

"Rabbi", says the holy man, "Look at this man. All his life he's been a good Jew. His father was a good Jew. Me? I'm a rabbi! And my father was a good Jew. Both of our sons? You know what they went and did? They became Christians! What is a good Jew to do?!?"

The head rabbi gets a thoughtful look and says, "Its a funny thing you should mention that, I got the same problem. We should ask God."

The head rabbi goes up to the altar and intones, "God! Yaweh! Father of all fathers! We got this problem you wouldn't believe! Look at this man. All his life he's been a good Jew. His father was a good Jew. And here we have a rabbi, a good man, and a good Jew all of his life! He's a rabbi, for feshuggina's sake! And you know me! I'm a good Jew if there ever was one! But our sons? Our flesh and blood? They become Christians! WHAT IS A GOOD JEW TO DO?!?"


Lightning strikes the four corners of the temple. The clouds part, there is an angelic chorus, and this huge, awesome voice booms...


"Its a funny thing you should mention that, I got the same problem....."

oy vey !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by cffisher

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

Good grief - even Michiganders know what we New York Staters are stuck with - frightening, but

Subject: Fw: 3 Dead Bodies
>
> Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
> their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
>
> Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart
> failure while with his mistr ess. Hence the enormous smile."
>
> "Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent
> it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
>
> The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
>
> "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the
> Redneck from Tennessee, 30, struck by lightning."
>
> "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
>
> "Thought he was having his picture taken."

An Alabama couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make that decision; why after nine children, would they chose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent artical that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish....

for all of us 60 year old folks


A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Originally Posted by cffisher

An Alabama couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make that decision; why after nine children, would they chose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent artical that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish....

I work with a Mexican guy. I told him this joke, he didn't get it even after I explained it twice. I think the term redneck was lost on him.

He said to me, "why would we have 10 kids??" I guess statistical info is something Mexicans don't do.

Don

Originally Posted by Itoldyouso

I work with a Mexican guy. I told him this joke, he didn't get it even after I explained it twice. I think the term redneck was lost on him.

He said to me, "why would we have 10 kids??" I guess statistical info is something Mexicans don't do.

Don

C'mon Don!

You can't blame the poor Mexican guy.
He's baffled by the fact that they found somebody in Alabama who could read!

The husband replied that they had read in a recent artical that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican