Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I wish people would stop posting pics of my girlfriend, just kidding

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well...you started it."

Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
In a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~


That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't f***in' think so.

Well, now..... Here's somthing I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know somthing about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured Englis soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying," See we can still pluck yew!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one - finger - salute!

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Subject: Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below... ..

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" .

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: "You're next!" .

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Man goes into a bar and orders a drink, slams it down, takes a picture out of his pocket, looks at it, puts it back and says, "Bartender, give me another drink".
He takes the next drink, slams it down, takes the picture out, looks at it, puts it back in his pocket and says "Bartender, give me another drink".

Bartender says, "why is it that every time I give you a drink, you drink it down, look at that picture and order another drink"?

Man says, "it's a picture of my wife, I keep drinking till she looks good, then I go home".

A blondes apartment was on fire. She called 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Blonde: My apartment is on fire!

Operator: How do we get there?
Blonde: Duhh...big red truck!

Confucius say, Man who go to sleep on corduroy pillow wake up with headlines.

Tourist asks a New Yorker "How do I get to Carnegie Hall ?"
New Yorker replies "Practice, Practice, Practice"

oldie but goodie

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers,
because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

While walking through the Adirondack woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."

The Kitchen Bitch
>
>A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room.
>She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches
>who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And
>all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the
>train...cause we're going down the tracks."
>The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
>of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
>to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you co me out, you may play with your
>train...but I want you to use nice language."
>Two hours later, the son ca me out of the bedroom and resumed playing
>with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
>say..."All passengers, please re me mber your things, thank you and hope
>your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
>She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
>remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
>pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
>As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
>pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
>kitchen...."

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know the V-Pill worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

A scene on the ceiling of a smoking area -

What a way to go

Not after last sunday