Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!

Notice the size of this print?

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated

doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart

transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

Let's see if I understand

how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,

he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day
for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

your family blames
the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree
while driving home drunk,

he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren
are brats without manners,

you blame television.


If your friend is shot
by a deranged madman,

you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into
the cockpit and tries to kill
the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead,

the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline.


I must have lived too long
to understand the world anymore.


So, if I die while my old, wrinkled behind is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you
to blame Bill Gates...okay?

THE YEAR 1906
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1906 :
************************************
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States, Canada possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

Imagine what it'll be like in 100 years? Probably like 1906 again!!!

PURINA DIET
I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd
ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and
IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally
buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me
and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a
car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking

around town with nothing on except his boots.

The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing

walking around town dressed like that?"

Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on

the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go

in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing

and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy.

Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I

should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my

boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay

Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one

here!"

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here."

OH man this is some funny stuff......... i was beginning to think no one told jokes anymore........... glad to see them still around and funny as hell ,thank you very much for the laughs. this section gets a bookmark

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye
doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her
face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on
wire frames."

You may be a redneck..........

....if you've ever taken a pregnancy test AND a sobriety test on the same day!

One of the Al Quaeda 9/11 pilots made his way to The Pearly Gates. There he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive." yells Mr Washington as he punches him in the mouth.
Patrick Henry comes up and punches him in the nose: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, but all you got is death!" and gives him another hefty clout.
James Madison comes up next, and says: "This is why I allowed the Federal Government to provide for the common defence!" as he drops a large weight on the pilot's knees.
He is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th century American Revolutionaries.
As he writhes on the ground Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to meet his final judgement.
As he awaits his journey to his final (very hot) destination, he screams: "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies; "I told you there would be 72 Virginians awaiting you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

johnboy

Q: What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

A: Kids won't eat broccoli.

Any answers