Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A frog phones the psychic hotline and is told: "You're going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you, who will get totally involved with you."
"That's great!" says the frog, "will I meet her at a party or what?"
"No, " says the psychic, "you'll meet in her biology class next term."
johnboy

Subject: Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2, hard bodied, well hung, male stripper."

Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Women Drivers

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He then pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
The car's now up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice: "No,
I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires. "What have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles:
"The airbag.

oh man that story christmas with louise is one of the funniest things ive ever heard great story. .. (man i wish i had christmases like that)

I've found that there are three types of people. Those that can count and those that can't.

Two Blonds traveling in their Mustang at a very high rate of speed pass a billboard and behind it the driver sees a motorcycle policeman pull out onto the highway.

"Oh my God, Oh my God" exclaims the driver to her friend, "A cop"!!
Worried, the driver tells her friend,
"Quick, look and see if he has his blinker on".
The other Blond looks over her sholder and reports, "Yep, Nope, Yep, Nope, Yep, Nope............

When someone really bugs you, it takes 40 muscles in your face to produce a scowl. But it takes only four muscles to extend your arm and hit the ba#%*rd in the mouth.

johnboy

So after 20 years of practice, this Gynecologist dumps his business and goes back to school
AUTO SHOP!!!
He loves restoring old cars and figures he can make his living doing what he likes best.
After the first year, the term tests are given and the Doc passes with flying colors.
As the Dean of the Vocational School is reviewing the honors grades, he notices
that the Doc received an A+++++.
Bewildered, he contacts the auto shop instructor and quizes him about the grade.

"What did you have him do for a grade like this", askes the Dean.
"Had him rebuild an auto engine" replys the Instructor.
"Well the other students all rebuilt one", says the Dean.
Instructor comments, "Thru the tailpipe"?

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

The wife comes home early



The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because you said I don't
have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and, as I walked her to the door she turned around and with tears coming from her eyes, she asked me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use ?"

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All
Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You....

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By
Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is. . . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up
With A Few

Just before Christmas, Bill rang his son in England, and said; "Son, I know your mother and I have been married almost 50 years, but enough is enough, we're separating and getting a divorce."
Greatly shocked, his son said; "Hang on Dad, you can't do that, look, I'll ring my sister in Australia, we'll all fly home, and talk it through at a family conference. Just don't do anything too hasty."
Bill hung up the phone, turned to his much loved wife and said; "Well that's organised, the kids will be home for Christmas, and what's more they're paying their own air fares!"


Most accidents occur in the home, and men have to eat them.

johnboy

Why can't the Irish tell jokes timing.

Andy.

A little Christmas & Holiday Cheer!