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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #91
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
    straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
    timing is excellent. We just got a job opening
    from a very wealthy old man who wants a
    chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
    You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
    he'll supply all of your clothes.

    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
    You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
    You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
    You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
    The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

    The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

    The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  2. #92
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

     



    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
    straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
    timing is excellent. We just got a job opening
    from a very wealthy old man who wants a
    chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
    You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
    he'll supply all of your clothes.

    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
    You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
    You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
    You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
    The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

    The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

    The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
    drive it like ya stole it

  3. #93
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    Hi, John, how you doing today?
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  4. #94
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    Hi, John, how you doing today?
    Ow pretty good got all the baking done mama releved me from having to do the shopping thing so Im feeling great how are you
    drive it like ya stole it

  5. #95
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    I am fine, just a touch of ol arthur rita$$.

    Here's another one for you.

    Subject: The Hardware Store
    This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware
    store....
    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he
    needed a new hinge, so he > sent his wife Mary Lou to the hardware store. At
    the hardware store
    Mary Lou saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
    while she was waiting for
    Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
    customer.
    When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Lou asked how much for the teapot.
    Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
    "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded
    to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went
    to the back room to find it. From the back room
    Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Lou, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
    To which Mary Louise replied, " No, but I will for the teapot."
    Last edited by Oldf100fordman; 12-17-2004 at 11:31 AM.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  6. #96
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    I am fine, just a touch of ol arthur rita$$.

    Here's another one for you.

    Subject: The Hardware Store
    This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware
    store....
    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he
    needed a new hinge, so he > sent his wife Mary Lou to the hardware store. At
    the hardware store
    Mary Lou saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
    while she was waiting for
    Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
    customer.
    When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Lou asked how much for the teapot.
    Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
    "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded
    to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went
    to the back room to find it. From the back room
    Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Lou, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
    To which Mary Louise replied, " No, but I will for the teapot."
    Oh yeah
    drive it like ya stole it

  7. #97
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    I have a cousin, Ron, (last name omitted to protect the guilty) who works for the Iowa DOT in the land aquisition department. You can just imagine who busy he is. Hahaha. Anyway we send jokes back and forth most days as he has a computer on his desk and not a heck of lot of work to do this time of the year. So I come up with some new ones from him at least every other day.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  8. #98
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    hey did you hear about the guy that sent his wife out to make some money to pay there taxes yeah he thought he would be an as-hole and send her out on the corner well 10 hr went by she hadn't;returned finally about 230 am she return home close all ripped up hair a mess oh man she was a wreak so the husband asked how did you do she replied very Impressed with herself I got $250 and 25 cents he looks at her and asked who in the hell only paid you a quarter she looks at him ----- all of them
    Last edited by john gemmer; 12-17-2004 at 11:54 AM.
    drive it like ya stole it

  9. #99
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    I have a cousin, Ron, (last name omitted to protect the guilty) who works for the Iowa DOT in the land aquisition department. You can just imagine who busy he is. Hahaha. Anyway we send jokes back and forth most days as he has a computer on his desk and not a heck of lot of work to do this time of the year. So I come up with some new ones from him at least every other day.
    what is he a scale master thats funny Iwould think he would be really bizzy this time a year but thats Okay more jokes the merryer
    drive it like ya stole it

  10. #100
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    Originally posted by john gemmer
    ----- all of them
    Hehehehehehehehe, That's a good one John. Thanks.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  11. #101
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    Originally posted by john gemmer
    what is he a scale master thats funny Iwould think he would be really bizzy this time a year but thats Okay more jokes the merryer
    Nah, he buys land for the right of way in highway construction.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  12. #102
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    Nah, he buys land for the right of way in highway construction.
    Oh for a minit I thought you were going to say yeah and he remembers me I use to drive truck ya had me worried there for a minit
    drive it like ya stole it

  13. #103
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    Originally posted by john gemmer
    Oh for a minit I thought you were going to say yeah and he remembers me I use to drive truck ya had me worried there for a minit

    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  14. #104
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    Oh sure laugh at me now no I just kidding I wasn't really that much of a butt head well maybe to a couple of those scale masters but they asked for it but we wont go there
    drive it like ya stole it

  15. #105
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    ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT

    DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

    She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

    The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

    The case came up in court.

    The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

    The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.

    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

    BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

    "CASE DISMISSED!!"
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

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