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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #46
    drg84's Avatar
    drg84 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I thought you would want to know. It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
    complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

    The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never realized how much he was kneaded.

    Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
    Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, their two children -
    John Dough and Jane Dough and they had one in the oven. He is survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

    A new 2004 SCAM

    If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,' DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.

    Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

    This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

    These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

    If you think computers are a great invention!

    In March 1997, a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.

    He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card Company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.

    He called the credit card Company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

    Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a Computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.


    Bumper stickers seen around the USA:

    1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

    2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

    3. If You Drink, Don't Park - Accidents Cause People.

    4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

    5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

    6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.

    7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

    8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

    9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

    10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

    11. If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

    12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

    13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

    14. Horn Broken .. Watch For Finger.

    15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

    16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

    17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

    18. The Earth Is Full-Go Home

    19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

    20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

    21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

    22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

    23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

    24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

    25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

    26. Illiterate? Write For Help.

    27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

    28. Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes

    29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

    30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

    31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

    32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

    33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

    37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong ...

    38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

    39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.
    [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]

    40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.

    41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

    42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

    43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

    44. Ax Me About Ebonics

    45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

    46. Boldly Going Nowhere

    47. Cat: The Other White Meat

    48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

    49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

    50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

    51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

    52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

    53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

    54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

    55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

    56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

    57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.

    58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

    59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

    60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    63. So you're a feminist ... Isn't that precious.

    64. I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?

    65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

    I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

    Symptoms:

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

    IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  2. #47
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    WHAT IS THAT?

    A visiting Pastor was offering an eloquent prayer. With his hands raised to heaven,
    he began:

    Lord, without you, we are but dust, ---

    He never continued. At just that moment, a little girl, who had been paying attention for a change, turned to her Mom, and in her best loud, shrill little girl voice asked:

    Mom, what is butt dust?

  3. #48
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

     



    Originally posted by Rrumbler
    WHAT IS THAT?

    A visiting Pastor was offering an eloquent prayer. With his hands raised to heaven,
    he began:

    Lord, without you, we are but dust, ---

    He never continued. At just that moment, a little girl, who had been paying attention for a change, turned to her Mom, and in her best loud, shrill little girl voice asked:

    Mom, what is butt dust?
    drive it like ya stole it

  4. #49
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Ten Commandments For The Car Collector:

    Written by Donald Peterson for the Feb. 1979 issue of Car Collector Magazine.

    1) Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.
    2) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
    3) Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.
    4) Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
    5) Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
    6) Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.
    7) Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.
    8) Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
    9) Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
    10) Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas. Ten Commandments For The Car Collector
    drive it like ya stole it

  5. #50
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Doctor's Orders


    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

    The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

    His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead
    drive it like ya stole it

  6. #51
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    A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and an old drunk at the end of the bar says in a slurd voice, "Where'd ya get that pig." The lady promptly responds, "It's not a pig it's a duck." The old man says, "I know, that's who I was speaking to."

    A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."! (effect enhanced with an complimentory rimshot)

    What do a Harley and Hoover vacuum have in common?
    The dirtbag attched to the rear of it!
    (If I'm hated after that one I have no one to blame except my buddy who told it to me... I must admit I found it very funny.) A word of caution: Don't tell that one in a crowded bar during the Sturgis Harley fest. Still having a hard time seeing straight.
    "Now bring me those cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of."

  7. #52
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

    They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

    So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

    So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". he won!

    Mike
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  8. #53
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    Originally posted by lt1s10
    There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

    They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

    So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

    So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". he won!

    now that what I call a ball of gas
    drive it like ya stole it

  9. #54
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by john gemmer
    now that what I call a ball of gas

    He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

    know what that is john? thats an old geezer being born.
    Mike
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  10. #55
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    A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
    Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
    "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
    Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was cripple
    Mike
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  11. #56
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    Originally posted by Streets
    You speakin' from experience LT1?? 'er did yer parents tell ya dat one!!!

    if the old fart fits.. then wear it.
    Last edited by lt1s10; 12-14-2004 at 07:01 PM.
    Mike
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  12. #57
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Streets
    I always knew ya wuz a Fart Smellar LT1... 'er I meant "Smart Fellar"...
    i know what you meant. sometimes i think we both came from the same smart fart.
    Mike
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  13. #58
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    Man who fart in church sit in own pew. aw! another wise proverb man who fart in jar save on gas
    drive it like ya stole it

  14. #59
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    Do you know why bald men cut holes in there pockets so they can run there fingers through there hair
    drive it like ya stole it

  15. #60
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    Exclamation It always comes down to this....

     



    Why do conversations between men always come down to the subject of farts?
    You miss 100% of the shots you never take

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