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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #46
    29Street-Rod's Avatar
    29Street-Rod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    Geez, 29 Street Rod, are those guys stuck on terminal stupid or what? Hilarious!!!!! Why did they even think of pulling in that direction?
    I think you hit the nail on the head, they did not think. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when he talked to his insurance man!!

    Here is another one (watch his eyes), when you get your car built and need a test driver this guy should fit the bill.
    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/noseatbelt.html
    The Zoo Keeper
    http://www.MyAutoZoo.com

  2. #47
    Jerilynne1965's Avatar
    Jerilynne1965 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by lt1s10
    A Daring New Position

    JOHN G: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
    Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

    Geez...you guys are posting em faster than I can read...sides...my eyes are watering from laughing...CUT IT OUT lol!!!!!

    Here's a silly one...
    You miss 100% of the shots you never take

  3. #48
    DennyW is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by Jerilynne1965
    Duane...those are really good!

    Denny...mind if I copy that one for my snowman collection? I just love snowman jokes he he he!
    No, I don't mind at all, hahaha.

  4. #49
    lt1s10's Avatar
    lt1s10 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  5. #50
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    hello I'm back!!!
    drive it like ya stole it

  6. #51
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    some of you have a sick sence humor he he and I love it
    drive it like ya stole it

  7. #52
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Okay! okay! one more I've got lots but I will control myself
    drive it like ya stole it

  8. #53
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  9. #54
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    well
    drive it like ya stole it

  10. #55
    DennyW is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by john gemmer
    well
    wipe my eyes,

  11. #56
    drg84's Avatar
    drg84 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    SITUATIONS HALLMARK DOESN'T COVER...

    1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ...
    (inside card) I changed my mind.

    2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ...
    (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

    3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ...
    (inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

    4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
    (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

    5. Someday I hope to marry ...
    (inside card) Someone other than you.

    6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ...
    (inside card) Almost lifelike!

    7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. .
    (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

    8. We've been friends for a very long time ...
    (inside card) What do you say we stop?

    9. I'm so miserable without you ..
    (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

    10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

    11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ...
    (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.

    12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . .
    (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

    13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
    (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, and West Virginia).

    14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ...
    (inside card) What was I thinking?

    15. Congratulations on your wedding day!.
    (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

    16. How could two people as beautiful as you ...
    (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

    Tis the season
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  12. #57
    drg84's Avatar
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    Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

    Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

    Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming ...



    New from MATTEL: Administrative Barbie: Works twelve hour days for little pay (70% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop and directions for the coffee machine. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

    Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

    Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini Bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

    Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, and Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

    Scientist Barbie. Scientist Barbie comes complete with a white lab coat, map of the human genome, pictures of fetal defects, and 2 books (Sigma catalogue, and How to lie with Statistics). HIV, Hepatitis, H Pylori, and pregnancy tests can be order from Sigma. Pull her chord to hear her say: 'Who cares if math is hard when you have a TI-85', and 'There's REALLY nothing dangerous about Radioactive materials'. Scientist Barbie drives a classic 1979 'vette......chevette, that is, because everybody knows that academia doesn't pay. Microscope, transgenic mice, and dissecting scalpel needed to undercut fellow researchers and stab collaborators in the back sold separately. Small animal surgery kit includes coupon for Dominatrix Barbie accessories.

    Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, 'Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic.' Comes with a 'One Day at a Time' bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

    Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from 100% post-consumer recycled materials.



    College student Barbie. Comes with backpack, birkenstocks, and t-shirt with credit card logos. College student Barbie's back is hunched over in order to hold the backpack with 10 lbs of books (sold separately). Pull the string on her back and hear her say: 'Anyone up for a game of Euchre?', and 'Don't talk to me, I have a hangover'. Comes with a list of phone numbers of classmates to call to get the notes she missed from last week's Human Development Lecture. Coming soon... College Dropout Barbie. I just thought about Not Available: Engineering Student Barbie and Ken. Package not available that's strong enough to hold ego.

    Bisexual Barbie: Comes in package with Skipper and Ken.

    Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the jungle.

    Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership pamphlet on union-organizing & pay scales for women compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

    Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

    Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says, 'Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!'

    Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with love handles, double chin, a curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Breyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading 'Only the Weak Don't Eat', and, of course, an appetite.

    Tomboy Barbie... Comes with complete jeans and Microsoft t-shirt, sneakers and backpack. Tomboy Barbies come with short or long hair (never blonde), and optional tattoo kit, car repair kit, sports equipment (basketball, baseball, and soccer equipment), pet dog Baron, and jogging outfit. Pull the cord and hear Tomboy Barbie say 'That's not fair...' or 'Just use the monkey wrench to fix that.' This Barbie has no makeup on the face and no ring holes in the fingers. Equestrian Barbie... Specially molded hips to allow legs to split and ride astride. Barbie has English, Western, and Medieval riding outfits, comes with horse Prancer, with all the tack, buckets, brushes, blankets, food, combs, lead rope, and barn equipment. Equestrian Barbie also has bag of carrots. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Easy there big guy, whoa...' and 'Oh shit.' This Barbie cannot wear any tight clothes of other barbies due to the change in hip molding. SCA Barbie Available only in dark or red hair, this Barbie (named Barbara) is dressed in the basic SCA t-tunic with options for Elizabethan, middle period, early period fop, and Scottish or Mongolian. She has pouch, belt, chair, candle and trencher. She comes with Companion Kenneth, complete in his t- tunic and leggings with boots, optional clothes include matching outfits with Barbara. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Where is Court?' 'Long live the King' and 'Let's set up camp.' Pull Kenneth's string to hear him say... 'Have some more mead, dear,' 'I accept,' and 'No, no, after you...' The Barbara doll is modified - she has flat feet, no arch, and cannot wear heels. Animal Lover Barbie This Barbie comes with washable cotton dress, leather gloves and a towel to wrap her cats in. She has four cats, two dogs, ten fish, two ferrets, and a pair of gerbils (mating pair, no less). Send coupons away to get baby gerbils (available only in lots of forty). Pet dishes, brushes, and calendars for vet visits are included. Dogs, cats, and ferrets require batteries for the motion-sensors that cause them to make noise. Barbie also comes with food bags, pooper scooper, tanks for the gerbils, and leashes for the big animals. Send away in a contest to win a free llama, sheep, goat, and horse combo for Barbie! Pull her string to hear her say... 'Ah, feeding time, my lovelies...' and 'Down boy! Sit!' and 'No, no no no no' and 'Not again...' Available only in rural areas.

    Barbell Barbie Comes with neatly clipped razor cut, overly muscular body, and bottle of steroids. Dressed in 'Gold's Gym' togs, B.B. (as she prefers to be called) is ready to hit Muscle Beach at a moment's notice (Muscle Beach sold separately, Muscle Beach Ken sold separately). Pull her string and she grunts, or says 'I _never_ take steroids.' [andrea's note: please feel free to add to this! i'm pulling as blank on what kind of car she would drive. as you can see, i'm more familiar with the one below

    Dominatrix Barbie Dressed in a latex jumpsuit and boots, leather gloves, and studded mask, Mistress Barbie cracks her whip. Blond hair can either be worn through the pony-tail holder in hood, or come off completely for full bald effect. Body piercings are removable and fit in any and all holes, and tattoos are moveable and replacable. Comes complete with full dungeon playpen and Slave Ken (wearing leather harness, collar, g-string, butt plug, and full hood). Pull her string and she says, 'Lick my boots, pig!' and 'You need to be disciplined.' Other available outfits and accessories: latex teddy, fetish boots, leather harness, latex harness, corsets (both leather and latex), corset dresses (both leather and latex), leather hood, latex stockings, and assorted body jewelry (including nipple and clitoral rings and barbells).

    Divorce Barbie: Comes with all Ken's toys.
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  13. #58
    drg84's Avatar
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    I thought you would want to know. It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
    complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

    The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never realized how much he was kneaded.

    Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
    Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, their two children -
    John Dough and Jane Dough and they had one in the oven. He is survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

    A new 2004 SCAM

    If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,' DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.

    Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

    This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

    These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

    If you think computers are a great invention!

    In March 1997, a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.

    He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card Company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.

    He called the credit card Company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

    Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a Computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.


    Bumper stickers seen around the USA:

    1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

    2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

    3. If You Drink, Don't Park - Accidents Cause People.

    4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

    5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

    6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.

    7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

    8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

    9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

    10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

    11. If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

    12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

    13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

    14. Horn Broken .. Watch For Finger.

    15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

    16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

    17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

    18. The Earth Is Full-Go Home

    19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

    20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

    21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

    22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

    23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

    24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

    25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

    26. Illiterate? Write For Help.

    27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

    28. Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes

    29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

    30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

    31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

    32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

    33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

    37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong ...

    38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

    39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.
    [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]

    40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.

    41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

    42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

    43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

    44. Ax Me About Ebonics

    45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

    46. Boldly Going Nowhere

    47. Cat: The Other White Meat

    48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

    49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

    50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

    51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

    52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

    53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

    54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

    55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

    56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

    57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.

    58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

    59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

    60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    63. So you're a feminist ... Isn't that precious.

    64. I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?

    65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

    I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

    Symptoms:

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

    IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  14. #59
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    WHAT IS THAT?

    A visiting Pastor was offering an eloquent prayer. With his hands raised to heaven,
    he began:

    Lord, without you, we are but dust, ---

    He never continued. At just that moment, a little girl, who had been paying attention for a change, turned to her Mom, and in her best loud, shrill little girl voice asked:

    Mom, what is butt dust?

  15. #60
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

     



    Originally posted by Rrumbler
    WHAT IS THAT?

    A visiting Pastor was offering an eloquent prayer. With his hands raised to heaven,
    he began:

    Lord, without you, we are but dust, ---

    He never continued. At just that moment, a little girl, who had been paying attention for a change, turned to her Mom, and in her best loud, shrill little girl voice asked:

    Mom, what is butt dust?
    drive it like ya stole it

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