Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

How to Wash a Cat:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl
2. Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him towards the bathroom
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet as the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “Power-Wash” and “Rinse”.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom door and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.



The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.


The son says, Okay, Okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies.

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, Okay, Okay, we were watching porn

Dad says, What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son”. The robot slaps the mother.


The robot is now for sale.

A man calls home to give the wife some bad news.

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital."

"They've checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays."

"The blow to my head was pretty severe; fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife’s Response:

"Who the hell is Paula?

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!!!!!!!!!!

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!!!!!!!!!

I had a guy come to the front door yesterday,,asking if we could make a contribution to the Pakistani floods..I told him,,''Sorry,,my hose only goes to the end of the driveway''

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. " We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

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A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

A Really Bad Day...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and
yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to
the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And
what was YOUR day like?"

The guy says, " OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator... "

Can I have an AMEN ?