Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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12 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Swings

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Plainly; Men Suck

11. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

12.Potential Murder Suspect

Forward this information to all the women you know for a good laugh ...... and men who need a warning.


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Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.


Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Parliament said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night
watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Parliament said, "How does
the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning
department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one
person to do time studies. Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do
the studies and one was to write the reports. Then Parliament said, "How are these
people going to get paid?" So they created two positions: a time keeper and a
payroll officer then hired two people. Then Parliament said, "Who will be
accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section
and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Parliament said, "We have had this scrap yard in operation for one year and we
are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid-off the night watchman.

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Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

I think the last post says it all.

Subject: UCLA Study......................






image0011.jpg
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

STAY
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down
the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my
finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young BLONDE lady, gave me a strange
look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

My youngest Son wanted to know about his stepmom, so I told him,

She was a Marine pilot in Operation Iraqi Freedom. When her plane got hit, she had to bail out over enemy territory.
All she had was a pint of whiskey, a pistol, and an Oregon Posse-supplied survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 insurgents.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last insurgent with her bare hands.

The moral of this horrible story.?
"Stay away from your stepmom when she's been drinking".

The Tax Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Who needs a Masters Degree?

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Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.. "When you're 70, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore
You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So
what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 9."

Definition Of Irony: The US Department of Agriculture is pleased to report that it has issued the most food Stamps EVER.....and the US Park Service, a part of the US Dept of Agriculture reminds us to "Please Do not Feed the Animals" since they become increasingly dependent on free food and cannot fend for themselves....

Thirty One Things You'll NEVER Hear a Southern Boy Say: .......



31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You cain't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate!

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we ain't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.


AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'!


..

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat
you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to
you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times