Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Yes indeedy, Roger, an oldie but always a goodie.

Here's one for the season, sort of:

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One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.”

His wife asked, “How do you know?”

“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Originally Posted by Rrumbler

“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Grrrrroaaaaaaannnnnnn....
I passed that one on to my daughter, to spring on her two older boys.

Eat your heart out Jean Claude van Damme !
Chuckie's Back !

Chuck Norris Just Put Van Damme's Epic Volvo Ad Completely to Shame | Independent Journal Review

One day a fourth grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up... fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes to music in front of other men who put money in his underwear.
The teacher, obviously shaken by what she 'd heard, quickly set the the other children to work on some exercises. She took Justin aside and asked him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He plays football for the Oakland Raiders, but that's too embarrassing to say in front of the other kids."

For the cat people among us...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

Guy: Would you be offended if I told you that your hair smells nice?
Girl: Not at all.
Guy: What if I was a midget?

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "A Bud Light please."
The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

A wife asks her husband, "Would you please go shopping for me and buy a
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.

My work is done here.

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Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous”

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

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A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


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ANNIVERSARY GIFT.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their
first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was
excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day
Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her
husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though"

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live
with you"

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Today's Short Reading from the Bible...


From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth.

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed.



.

My new screensaver! ROFLMAO

Conversation Overheard In A Bar:



I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.


One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"