Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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PENSIONERS:

Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

“Must be doing well ! . . Only two left."

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The difference between Officers and NCOs:


A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......

"What..... You're coming empty handed?"
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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"?

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Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading this forum.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Originally Posted by Kiwidreamer

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"

The Jump


A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.'

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh., no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, "Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first”

Originally Posted by rspears

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"

Not sure why that part didn't post on my message? but thanks :-)

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine... He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

CARING WORDS FROM A PILOT

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

28000 hours , almost 73 (next month) and still finding out things----------------------

"Dear Memory Foam Mattress... thanks for not remembering everything."

Some folks just don't adapt very well do they?
Hitler is Mad that it's Snowing in Atlanta - YouTube

Gotta say that the closing shot in RestoRod's listing above, about God promising that good & obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth brought a smile. There's no verse actually stating that, but it's a cute story and in the same light:
Talking to Adam, God said that He'd make the perfect woman. She'd cook, clean, be ever changing and amazing in the bedroom, always be up for sex and never complain or nag. Adam asked how much this would cost and God said "Oh, it'll cost you an arm and a leg", so Adam asked what he could get for a rib.....

One day Boudreaux and Pierre were talking about their hunting dogs and Boudreaux said
"I'm gonna have to get rid of all my hunting dogs 'cause I can't afford to feed them"
Pierre replied "heck, I just feed mine collard greens"
Boudreaux replied "my dogs won't eat collard greens !"
then Pierre said "mine wouldn't either for about 4 weeks!"

21 Rules That Men Have..
1. Men are not mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
3. Crying is blackmail
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one; subtle hints do not work – strong hints do not work – obvious hints do not work – just say it.
5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
13. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And we have no idea what mauve is.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is not worth the hassle.
15. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
17. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. I’m in shape, round is a shape.
21. Thank you for reading this and yes, I know I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. But did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping.

Get the Kleenex as you'll be laughing so hard you will cry!!

SEXY GIRL FART PRANK - YouTube