Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A mate of mine (whose name was Melvin, but he preferred Joe,) got caught growing some grass he shouldn't, amd got sent to spend some time in the "big house."
To while away the time in there, he got his mother to send him in a flute, and to his amazement, he found he had a natural ability to play it.....he could hit notes, really high notes, that no-one else had ever been able to reach. It drove the wardens mad, so, to annoy them as much as anything, he practiced these high notes until he was absolutely perfect.
Upon his release, he found he was in demand by all the big (and I mean BIG) orchestras all around the world, who paid him a lot of money to play for them.
He bought himself a farm, discovered he loved ploughing, (that's "plowing" to you illiterate Yanks) but would get bored after an hour or two, and wander off to the local cat house, where he would get up to all sorts of depraved things.
His poor mother, when she heard about it, was so embarrassed that she became a nun, and joined a Convent in Barcelona.
Now he's known as the: High Flutin' Tootin', Rootin' Son of a Nun From Barcelona, Part Time Ploughboy Joe.
(And if you believe that, you'll believe anything!)

johnboy

I don't make them up, I just forward them.

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY CLOTHING FACTORY AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY
STITCHER" AND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE CLERK EXPLAINED,
"PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB, "I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!

Put Me in Reverse

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day..
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have responsibilities,
you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

This had potential to be much better than it is, i chuckled at a few of them...

You know you've got too much horsepower...

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

Doh !!!!.....

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other women

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed... and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... they're the only foods we can get under the door."

ok so I'm at work and obviously had nothing better to do than to make this up... hope you all enjoy, im not the greatest poet but it works. It just came to me at lunch, my girlfriend has to be the world's worst driver

GET A CHEVY, GET A FORD,
TOYOTA, HONDA OR ACCORD
MAKE IT TO THE DEALERSHIP &
BUY THE BEST YOU CAN AFFORD

NAVIGATOR, HUMMER OR ESCALADE,
AMONG SOME OF THE BEST MADE
AND STAY AWAY FROM LEMONS,
UNLESS MAKING LEMONADE

CUSTOM HOT ROD, STOCK OR RACER
THERE’S SOMETHIN YOU SHOULD BRACE FOR
OH’ O’COURSE YOU HAD TO TAKE HER
WHEN LOOKING FOR A CAR

HELL, TAKE SOME FOR A TEST DRIVE
JUST DON’T LET THE ONE WITH BREASTS DRIVE
FORE HER FOOT WEIGHTS MORE THAN HER THIGHS
YOU ASKED FOR SUICIDE FOR SURE

BEG MORE FOR MERCY AT RED LIGHTS
THAN YOU DO FOR SEX AT MIDNIGHT
OH’ YOU WOULDN’T HAVE SO MUCH FRIGHT
WITH A BLIND MAN AT THE WHEEL.

SHE KNOWS LESS OF FUEL INJECTION
THAN SHE DOES OF AN ERECTION
YOU’RE LOSING YOUR COMPLEXION
AND SOON FAINTING ON THE FLOOR.

YOU ARE INSANE LIKE NON OTHER
WHEN YOU HAND THE KEYS TO MOTHER
FOR SHES BOUND TO MAKE YOU SMOTHER
AS THE AIRBAGS GRACEFULLY DEPLOY

SO FELLAS LETS JUST KEEP THIS IN MIND
THEY DRIVE AS THOUGH THEY ARE BLIND
CAN’T KEEP THE CAR BETWEEN THE LINES
THE PASSENGER CHAIR IS FOR HER BEHIND

WHEN YOU HEAR HER TIRES SQUEAL,
BRACE AND PRAY FOR ONE MORE MEAL
I’VE SAID ENOUGH, LETS MAKE A DEAL,
TO AVOID THE TIME IT TAKES TO HEAL,
WHEN A FEMALE IS BEHIND THE WHEEL

P.S. --- I'm not sexist... I love women

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
>> plateau If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
>> $1,000,000. If she Answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
>> $32,000 milestone money.
>>
>> And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
>> pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build
>> its own nest, But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>> Is
>> it A) the Condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or
>> D)
>> the vulture?"
>>
>> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
>> doubly on The spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
>> Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
>> Lifeline.
>> The woman hoped She would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
>> well .blonde.
>>
>> She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
>> and the Four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
>> The answer Is C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
>> Employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
>> that her Friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
>> blonde, that would ! Seem to be the logical thing to do.
>>
>> On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
>> Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>>
>> "I need an answer," said Regis.
>>
>> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
>>
>> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>>
>> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>>
>> Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . Absolutely correct!!
>>
>> You are now a millionaire!"
>>
>> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
>> Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
>>
>> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How
>> did you happen to know the right answer?"
>>
>> "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
>> nests. They live in clocks
>>

What is the fastest growing city in the world?
DUBLIN
Why?
Because it's DUBLIN every day.