Finally, someone
has managed to photograph the
pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!
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Finally, someone
has managed to photograph the
pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards
the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who's he going to tell?"
Subject: Little Johnny's Assignment
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report,
so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot
himself."
Biology Class - final exam
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice verse.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
He got the 70 points.
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them," I said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together...
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After awhile, she finds herself
thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy
could be the one!" "Maybe he could be the future father of my
children!"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where
they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so completely overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest, and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy smiles at her, gently strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
A man walks into an all night diner about 2:00 am after a night of heavy drinking. He sits down and the waitress brings him a menu and without so much as a glance the drunk slurs, “I’d like a dozen scrambled eggs and some toast.”
Smiling, the waitress goes into the kitchen and relays the order. To her dismay the cook tells her that he has only two eggs and that the morning’s delivery of fresh poultry and eggs will not arrive until 5:00 am. “Well,” she responds, “this guy is really drunk – scramble anything and I’m sure he won’t know the difference.”
The cook then proceeds to mix a bit of milk and some left-over, very ripe limburger cheese with the two eggs and scramble the concoction to a fluffy pile of what looks to be eggs.
The waitress delivers the eggs with toast and sure enough, the drunk wolfs the plate of food down. When the waitress delivers the bill, the drunk asks, “Where do you get your eggs?”
Not wanting to let on, the waitress lies, “why we have our own chickens right out back.”
“Do you have a rooster?” asks the drunk.
“Um, no we don’t have a rooster” replies the waitress.
“Well, ya better think about getting one ‘cause you got a skunk messin’ with your chickens!”
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of thecar, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the
credit card."
This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one
unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done MY part.
On his 65th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
Reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it
to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful
medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then
say 1-2-3."
"When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever
been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' " he responded. "But when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!".
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then
she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The Young Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the sh@# out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, " Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down..
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Smile - life is too short not to!!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
.
"Elk Sex"
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS .
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? --
Inner Peace
Some doctor on the television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.
Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
my neighbor grows some of the most impressive big brite red tomatoes you have never seen .. my wife has been trying for years and has never had much luck .. one day she asked the guy " how do you grow so big and red of tomatoes ? " .. he said every morning i walk out here in my nite clothes and "flash" them briefly !!:eek: it embarasses them and makes them blush brite red .. my wife say`s " i`ll try that .. so after a week of flashing the neighbor asks my wife has it helped tomatoes ? no she said .. but you should see my cucumbers !!!! :D
Old Geezer and Young Blonde
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old geezer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and drool over her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the geezer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old geezer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Five year old's first job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had earned the money. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare
This black lady walks into the photo studio with her teen age daughter to have their portrait taken. The photographer sets them down in front of the camera then goes behind and puts his head under the black cape. The daughter asks the mother.... What he gona do? the mother replies.... he gona focus. The daughter asks in amazement.... boff us?
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
Banned,
Yeah, thought I might be pushing the envelope on that one:HMMM:. Tried to make the lady and daughter generic but the dialect used dictated otherwise.;)
Jack.
New Miranda Warning
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk says:
"Your naked body."
Pictures did not post.
You might be surprised...
Parallels of Abraham Lincoln & Barack Obama
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration; Obama used the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois; Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature; Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President; Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration; Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was in the United States military; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln believed that everyone should carry their own weight; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayer's money on personal enjoyments; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
11. Lincoln was highly respected; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
12. Lincoln was born in the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
13. Lincoln was honest; so honest he was called "Honest Abe"; Obama is a skinny lawyer. .
14. Lincoln saved the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
Yeah,not good,,That really would start a war...From what I have heard and read,he is about as popular as a porkchop at a bar mitzvah...[spelling?]
Iguess its a hard row for him..
Sorry,this is the joke page..didnt mean to incur the impending wrath of Mr mustang or anyone else...Carry on joking...please...:D
Roger that - none here wish Mr Obama ill and certainly not the fate of President Lincoln..
I agree with the "back to the jokes part..."'
Did you hear the one about the lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkey get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
That Christmas story at the beginning of this thread reminds me of one summer day when I and two of my 6th grade friends were sitting on the curb trying to think of something different to do that day. The three of us dug our hands into our pockets and came up with a total of 75 cents. My friend Johnny then suggested that we all go down to Sophie's (the local madam). He said his father goes there every now and then and always has a big grin on his face when he comes back. My friend Sammy and I agreed and away we went. When we got to Sophie's and rang the bell she opened the door and asked us what we wanted and Johnny said we wanted the same fun his father got when he came over. Sophie then asked us how much money we had and we showed her the 75¢. She thinks for a few seconds then tells us to come on in and sets us down in the front room. She then goes up stairs and gets a blow up doll and slips it between the sheets. She comes back down and asks "who's first?". Johnny says me so she takes him up to the room. When he comes back down Sammy and I ask him how was it? "Great" was his reply. I was next so up I go. When I get back down the other two ask me how I liked it. "Great" was my reply as well. Finally it is Sammy's turn so up he goes. He's up there a very long time and when he comes down Johnny and I ask him what took him so long. "Well" he says, "I get to the room and there she is under the covers, I climbed in and kissed her on the lips, nothing happened so I kissed her on the neck, still nothing so I bit her on the Tit. She laid a fart, flew around the room a couple of times then went out the window and that was it".
I swear, true story:rolleyes:.
Jack
The world is just getting too complex for me. They mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found that 'Person of My Dreams'.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
You're an EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a
different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "'Hey, guys,
watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a "Freebie"
at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
drunk.
.
Rules every gun owner should know...
The speed at which morons shut up and leave is in direct proportion to the size of the hole in the end of the barrel.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Id hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have class in the morning
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I
could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man
agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need
was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
"You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes
we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager
came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the
startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left
over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket
for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. "And by the
way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.