Printable View
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table:
Husband gets up in a rage and says. "And you are no good in bed either." And storms out of the house.
After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says. "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says. "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
.
I went out on a date last night with a police officer named Tina.
We saw the movie Evita.
This morning, she got up and said, "I'm going to make a full English breakfast."
I replied, "Don't fry for me, Sergeant Tina."
.
Last night I visited a stately home and I said to the guide: "Is this place supposed to be haunted as rumours would have it’?"
He replied: "In all the time that I have worked here, I have never seen a ghost".
I said: "That is a relief. How long have you worked here?"
He said: "About 700 years".
.
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 4 and 5.
He seemed irritated when I answered "Kindergarten."
.
The first year of marriage the men talk and the women listen.
The second year of marriage the wives talk and the men listen.
The third year of marriage they both talk and the neighbors listen.
.
I've just lost 3 fingers on my hand.
I asked the doctor if I could still write with it.
He said maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
.
Fred takes his car back to the garage and complains: "When I'm going up the hill it only reaches 45".
The salesman said, "Well 45 is good for going uphill".
"Yes," said Fred, "But I live at number 70".
.
A man was traveling in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly, the mother-in-law became ill and died. The local undertaker asked the man to step aside, and quietly informed him that he could arrange for his mother-in-law's body to be shipped home for $5000, or could arrange local burial for $150. The man paused, in deep thought, and after several minutes said that they should ship her home. The undertaker was quite surprised, and asked the man why he would spend $5000 rather than $150 for burial in the Holy Land?
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, and after 3 days he was resurrected and enjoyed life again. I just cannot take that chance!"
A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
.
Seth (53 Chevy5) posted this on FB, and Mike (34_40) asked if he'd stolen it from johnboy norton? Gotta admit, it does have that jb flavor..... ;)
A Pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel hat.
The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towel hat?"
The Pirate replies, "AARGH!! There be a Bounty on me head!!"
Attachment 76020
It wasn't me!Quote:
Originally Posted by rspears
I wasn't there!
And I've got twenty-five witnesses to prove it!
.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
.
________________________________
When I was a young fella I remember all the times my father used to roll me downhill in old tyres.
Those were Good years...
.
There's a new store in NYC called The HUSBAND Store. There is an elegant Lobby and six floors in the store, the sole purpose of the store is for a woman to shop for and select a husband from stock, and the value increases as one goes up, floor by floor. The elevator rises one floor at a time, and one cannot go back down, only up, but they can get off at any floor by pressing the DOOR OPEN button. Once open, the customer MUST exit and cannot get back on the elevator. The Lobby has a waiting area with an information desk and a Check In where a customer must verify that they are single, and that they intend to select a husband from the eligible candidates in stock.
A woman enters The HUSBAND Store, askes a few questions at the info desk, proceeds to verify her status and approaches the elevator which goes up one floor.
The sign at Floor 1 says "These Men have jobs." That's important, she thinks, but I've got to see Floor 2 and pushes the UP button.
The sign at Floor 2 - "These Men have jobs and love kids." OK, those are both good things! But I really think I need to see Floor 3.
The sign at Floor 3 - "These Men have jobs, love kids and are drop dead good looking." OK this is getting pretty good, and I probably should check the stock, but I've gotta see Floor 4.
The sign at Floor 4 - "These Men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with housework each week." How can it be better?? But there are 2 more floors, I've got to look!!
The sign at Floor 5 - "These Men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good looking, help with housework each week, and have a very active romantic streak." OK, this just about has to be IT!! She started to hit the OPEN button, but then paused and thought, Each floor has been better than the last, and I can't settle for less than the best. Floor 6!!
The door opened at Floor 6 - "You are Customer 31,013,456 to Floor #6. There are NO Men on this floor, and NO Customers have exited at Floors 1 through 5. The sole purpose of this floor is to prove that women simply cannot be pleased!! Please reenter the elevator to be taken to the EXIT."
Sometimes my wife likes to mess with me and hides all my stuff where I can't find it.
Like She puts my shoes in the shoe closet, my jacket on the hanger, and my keys on the key hook.
.
I just paid for a 12 month Gym membership.
My bank called to see if my credit card had been stolen.
.
Bob, a 65-year-old extremely wealthy widower, strolls into the Country Club with a stunning 25-year-old blonde by his side.
Her beauty and charm leaves everyone in the room speechless. She clings to Bob’s arm, hanging on his every word as if he’s the most fascinating man in the world.
His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, "Bob, how'd you land a girlfriend like that?"
Bob grins and says, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, "How on earth did you convince her to marry you?"
Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, "I lied about my age."
They nod knowingly. "Ah, you told her you were 50?"
Bob chuckles and replies, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
.
A woman who enjoyed playing cards with her friends once a month always worried about waking up her husband when she returned home around 11:30 p.m.
Determined to avoid disturbing him one night, she decided to be extra quiet. She undressed in the living room, draped her purse over her arm, and tiptoed into the bedroom—completely nude—only to find her husband sitting up in bed, reading.
“Dammit, woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”
.
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve…I’ve been a hooker.”
“That’s alright.” Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
.
An old woman, a beautiful girl, an army general, and a young soldier are sitting in the same car on a train.
Suddenly, the train goes into a dark tunnel.
There is a rustle of movement, a loud kiss, and a firm slap.
The train returns to the light. The general has a red mark on his cheek.
The old woman thinks, “Good for her. So many young girls today have no principles. That old man kissed her, and she slapped him right across the face.”
The beautiful girl thinks, “How odd, that that general would choose to kiss that old lady instead of me.”
The general thinks, “Well, isn’t that a fine thing. That young pup steals a kiss from a beautiful girl and I get the slap.”
The soldier thinks, “Not a bad day at all! All I had to do was kiss the back of my hand, and I got to slap a general and get away with it!”
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit their family ranch. After a few years, they run into financial trouble and need to buy a bull to breed their own stock to save the ranch. They only have $600 left.
The brunette heads to a distant stockyard to purchase a bull and, after inspecting it, decides to buy it for $599. With just $1 remaining, she goes to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram, instructing her to drive out and haul the bull home.
The telegraph operator informs her that sending a telegram costs 99 cents per word.
Faced with only $1 left, she realizes she can only afford to send one word. After some thought, she decides on the word “comfortable.”
The operator is puzzled. “How will your sister know that you want her to hitch the trailer and come get the bull with just the word ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is long and she’ll read it slowly—com-for-da-bull.”
.
A pastor entered his donkey in a race, and to everyone’s surprise, it won. Delighted, he entered the donkey again, and it won once more. The local paper announced: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT."
The bishop, unhappy with this publicity, ordered the pastor not to race the donkey anymore. The following day, the local paper ran the headline: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS."
Feeling the situation was getting out of hand, the bishop ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun at a nearby convent. The next day, the paper's headline read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."
The bishop, now thoroughly exasperated, told the nun she had to sell the donkey. She sold it to a farm for $10. The following headline read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."
The bishop could no longer tolerate the situation and instructed the nun to buy back the donkey and release it into the wild. The next day's headline read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE."
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is that being overly concerned with public opinion can lead to unnecessary grief and even shorten your life. So, be yourself, enjoy life, and focus on your own affairs rather than worrying about what others think. You'll find greater happiness and peace of mind.
.
Irene, the town gossip, and self appointed monitor of the local church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Harry, and several others, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.
Harry, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turned and walked away.
He didn’t explain, defend or deny! He said nothing!
Later that evening, Harry quietly parked his pickup in front of Irene’s house …. walked home …. and left it there all night.
You’ve gotta love people like Harry!
.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit their family ranch. After a few years, they run into financial trouble and need to buy a bull to breed their own stock to save the ranch. They only have $600 left.
The brunette heads to a distant stockyard to purchase a bull and, after inspecting it, decides to buy it for $599. With just $1 remaining, she goes to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram, instructing her to drive out and haul the bull home.
The telegraph operator informs her that sending a telegram costs 99 cents per word.
Faced with only $1 left, she realizes she can only afford to send one word. After some thought, she decides on the word “comfortable.”
The operator is puzzled. “How will your sister know that you want her to hitch the trailer and come get the bull with just the word ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is long and she’ll read it slowly—com-for-da-bull.”
.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus,"and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing.
.
Ykwya!!!!!
Attachment 76026
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”
,
The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing," replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth." says the old man.
.
I don't mean to boast, but I put together a jigsaw puzzle in a day when the box said 2-4 years...
.
Being a retired farmer that has shifted to town I put my high voltage electric fence around my property.
My neighbour is dead against it.
.
I was suspicious and paranoid about my wife having an affair with someone.
So we moved 700 miles away.
I couldn't believe my luck when we still managed to keep the same gardener.
.
Big Brother is watching.....
Attachment 76032
Three women had lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and the third one, had been married for 20+ years.
They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went...
The engaged friend:
'The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.'
The mistress:
'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.'
Then I had to share my story:
'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
.
-Quote:
Originally Posted by johnboy
:eek::eek::eek: It's hard to get that image to fade away, jb!! :eek::eek::eek:
My neighbor recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......he had the Vet come and take a look at him. The vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave the neighbor some pills to feed him once per day. My neighbor had to go out of town for a few days and asked me to give the bull his pill each morning, not wanting to skip any. Well, that bull started to service the cows within two days! ALL of the cows and then he broke through the fence and bred with all of another neighbor's cows!!! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
I must be getting senile!Quote:
Originally Posted by rspears
That's the second faux pas I've made recently!
:) :) :)
.
All good fun jb!! I've got to admit my first thought (and big smiles) was wondering what kind of raucous, irreverent replies you'd get if you posted that one on your Mavericks site!!Quote:
Originally Posted by johnboy
-
(The Mavericks are an invitation only group of NZ car guys, and once invited to join one must get unanimous approval of the vetted members to become a member. One NO vote is a blackball, and you're out with zero recourse. From the limited exposure that I had at the 2014 NSRA Nationals, they are a close-knit group focused on fun and embarrassing one another within the group whenever possible!)
You dribbled a bib-full there. Bang on the mark. None of us are Show Rodders looking for trophys, it's all about good mates and doing things differently just because we can.Quote:
Originally Posted by rspears
And don't give a damn whatever other people think.
Eccentric?
Possibly.
But who cares?
None of us.
.
A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan making landmines that look like prayer mats.
He says that prophets are going through the roof.
.
The blonde bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck. Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection
and could not find anything wrong.
Eventually, he asked the blonde, " Are you sure you're using the right gears?"
"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"
