I'm going to take up coin collecting.
The change will do me good.
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I'm going to take up coin collecting.
The change will do me good.
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Two guys are out golfing together, as one gets ready to swing he suddenly stops. He looks over to the road and takes off his hat in respect for a funeral procession that he sees driving by.
The other golfer looks at him and says "Wow man, that's really respectful of you."
The man puts his hat back on and replies, "Well, we were married for 27 years!"
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.
*Grilled Tourist: $5.00
*Broiled Missionary: $10.00
*Fried Explorer: $15.00
*Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They are so full of s**t that it takes all day!"
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As I put the car into reverse I think to myself..."This takes me back"
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Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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This was in an Otago newspaper.
Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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The town was inundated with swarms of insects, forcing everyone to remain indoors! The local police sent in swat teams.....
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached Father McCarthy with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed Father McCarthy a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, Father McCarthy looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward Father McCarthy and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
Father McCarthy put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:
“She made me a better offer.”
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I told my wife that the next door neighbor died.
She replied, "Who, Ray?"
I answered quickly, "C'mon, it's way too soon to celebrate like that! Show some respect!!"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did, and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
“I thought I told you to call your Mom,” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”
The mother in law came over for tea.
"Why does that dog of yours keep staring at me?" she asked.
"It's his plate you're eating off." I said.
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A little girl was at a wedding with her parents. Slightly confused after the nuptials she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind.
"What do you mean?" responded her mother looking perplexed.
"Well," said the little girl with the kind of observational powers only a child can manage "She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another!"
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I was in a couple's home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S then 1 2 3" she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times but it didn't work, so we called the wife in.
As she input the password she muttered "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123'. "
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I saw Hank's joke about circumcision a day or three ago and its had me wondering.
Does anyone know if you can get circumcised at any age, or is there a cutoff?
:LOL:
No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."
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A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $12.99.
“Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $13.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously.
“Yes!”… stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then,”…the wife said..
“Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
“Raw and in the shell,”…the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
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An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub.
The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”
The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically ow themselves at me.”
The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”
The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”
So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever.
A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”
The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”
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A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs.
The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house.
The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs.
Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal.
"Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you."
Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
"Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself.
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying. The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately." "Not really,"
The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."
One day wife and husband watch TV together and finally one of them breaks the silence..
Wife: "What are you getting me for our 30 year anniversary?"
Husband: "I'm taking you to Africa."
Wife: "Wow that’s amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 40th?"
Husband: "I will go over there to pick you up."
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We may have seen this one before, but it still makes me smile....
This Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The biker took the money.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates!"
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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NOPE!! I don't care how late it is, how many hours we've been driving, or how far it is to the next place, NOT STOPPING HERE!! WE'LL KEEP DRIVING!!!
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Mary said to Paddy "Oh sweetheart, what did you ever do to deserve a woman like me?"
Paddy replies "God knows, but I won't be doing it again!"
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I once sold security alarms door to door.
If nobody was home I'd leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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Went to a restaurant with She Who Must Be Obeyed.
We sat down and pulled sandwiches from our bags.
The waitress approached us and said, "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here"
So we swapped sandwiches.
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I'm getting stronger with age.
Now I can hold $100 worth of groceries with one hand.
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A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried what it might be he finally got enough energy to open his gown so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters on the tape was "Get well soon, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors....
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors....
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Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
A Wife came Home early and found her Husband in their Bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very Upset.
"You are a Disrēspêctful Pīg!" she Cried. "How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm Leaving you. I want a Divorce, NOW!"
The Husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute Love. At least let me tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead" the Wife sobbed, "but they will be the last Words you say to me!"
The Husband Began:
"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so Distressed, Helpless and Defenseless that I took Pity on her and let her into the Car. She was very Thin, not well Dressed and very Dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days. Out of Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the Pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously. She was Dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away. I gave her the Designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too Tight. I gave her underwear, your Anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste. I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive Boutique but don’t Wear because someone at work has the same Pair."
The Husband Paused, took a quick Breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?" So here we are!"
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?" So here we are!"
OUCH! LOL
I bought a Greyhound today.
She Who Must Be Obeyed said "What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm going to race it." I replied.
"My money's on the dog." She said.
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Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
Harry gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause.
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Yesterday Harry had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrester.
Harry gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Harry, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause.
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As you get older, have you noticed that your feet are getting further away from your hands when putting socks on?
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I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm...
But when I do my keys are always in the wrong pocket...
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What do you call a cow that has a bad twitch?
Beef jerky.
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