:)
Larry M
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Larry M
A new Publix Supermarket opened in Morristown, TN. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone,
from school one day, when a big man in a car pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there,
do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The car again pulls up beside her and asks,
"I will give you $10 if you hop in the car." "NO!"
says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
The car pulls up beside the little girl again
and says, "I'm feeling generous today! I'll give you
20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop
in my car and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him
and screams out. . .
"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Ford
instead of the Chevy! So ride in it by yourself!"
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Old Sea Story
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
Some guys are just luckier than others
Crack in my widshield!
http://dogtagsvette.5u.com/Dogs/Image2.jpeg
It's Hell to be Old....................................
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
A guy traveling through Mexico
On vacation lost his wallet and
All of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted
To make his way home, but was stopped
By the U.S. Customs Agent at the border;
"May I see your identification, please?"
Asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
Replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day.
No I.D., no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
Tattooed on one side of my butt and
George Bush on the other.
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants
And showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago.
"Thanks!" he said.
"But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied,
"I recognized Obama in the middle."
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down all the way.)
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to the forum.
I worry about you
Sometimes!
During a recent visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a hotrodder should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the hotrodder and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the tea cup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window?"
An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN
A GAY BAR...........
One day a
fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer,
and so forth.
However, little Justin was
being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he finally replied, ?Okay...my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night
for money.'
The teacher, obviously
shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children
to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, 'Is that really true about your
father?'
'No', the boy
said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last
year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
class.'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him,
'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.
On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look. I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As Pelosi’s aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation — “While Speaker Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted.”
The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, “But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.”
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful
women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman
will tell you, isn't attractive.
But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she
just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak,
who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a “ no-fault State”
whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra’s speech
during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?
I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:
Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.
Tiger Woods
Obama - Go Figure!!
Secret Code
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House..
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ... you're holding it upside down!'
This was sent to me. Not my story!!
Richard
During the time Ronald Regan was president we enjoyed the music of Johnny Cash and entertainment of Bob Hope.
Now we have Obama and sadly, we have no cash and no hope..
Whether Conservative, Liberal, Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.'
Words Women Use
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that
it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play Hockey!"
"EMAIL WARNING"
If you should get an email with the subject title "Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi"
DO NOT OPEN IT - - because there are actually Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi in the email !
Several Red Blooded American Men have already been scarred for Life and are in rehab awaiting a cure !
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the
same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most
rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
his neck
that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada 's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.
It's getting ugly folks.
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
ouch !!!!!
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years , you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.'
(source: stolen from Bad Rat)
Shark teaching son.
A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:
"When you see a human, approach him from about 30',
make sure he sees you, then swim a couple of circles around him.
Then get closer to about 10', and again, swim a few circles around him.
Then you come really close to him, even touch him,
wait one minute and then, eat him."
"But why can't I just go in for the kill and eat him?" asks the little shark.
"You can do that if you don't mind it tasting a little like s**t."
:eek:
dunno if this one has been said:
a blond pulls her older car into the mechanics shop.
She explains the car has been sputtering and not running smoothly.
the mechanics tells her to go sit in the waiting room and check back with him in a little while.
she walks back to him 20 minutes later:
blond: "So what seems to be the deal?"
Mechanic: "Ahh just crap in the carburetor"
blond: "Ok..... how often should I do that?"
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
husband's birthday. She doesn't know which one to
get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing sunglasses.
"Excuse me, sir," She says. "Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"
"Ma'am," He says, "I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know from the sound it
makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination
and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
"That's amazing!" she says. "You can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get
$34.50?"
"Yes, Ma'am," he replies. "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is another $3.50."
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".
So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical
care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn. Is this a great country or what!
Exquisite British humor!!
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand..
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".
"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush...."
:LOL:Bad, bad, badder:LOL:
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter"
Happy Belated Mom's Day !
If this doesn't make you:LOL: then you should check your pulse !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU