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Here's your vocabulary lesson for today.
'Liquidity'
This is when you look at your investments
and wet your pants.
It has just been reported that the head gardener at the White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, "Has anyone seen the spade and hoe?"
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In
fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3.. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything..
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes
from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
;moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our @rse ...
then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
Yesterday I was at Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Harley, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm old and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both..
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask old people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A man goes to his dentist to have a tooth pulled. He
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet.."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to
hold onto when I pull your tooth.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house,
slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask
if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'
After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day & said, Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal.
Now I have a $ 250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
I was depressed last night so I called "Lifeline."
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round
to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
1.Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
3.A penny saved is a government oversight.
4.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
5.The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement ...
6.He who hesitates is probably right.
7.Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
8.If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
9.If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
blame.
10.The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.
11.There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt
12.Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs.'
13.Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
14.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
15.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
16.When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra..
17.You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
18.Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
19.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then , you forget
to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, and so on.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree.. You can blame
this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three
hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and
trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed
his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"
"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house
he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled
12 gauge shotgun through the window of the coop."
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound
dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose
on Daddy's butt!"
"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8,1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New
Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been
covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty It was; but useless in a fight.'
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church , enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
Tax Audit
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."
"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to the IRS...And about once a year, they send us a little pr**k like you."
!!!LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!
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>> Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get
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>> some 'flak' from the NAACP. Al Sharpton and the
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>> Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!
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>> David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black
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>> NASCAR drivers:
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>> # 10 Have to sit upright while driving.
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>> # 9 Pistol won't stay under front seat.
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> 8 Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
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>> # 7 Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants
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>> at the same time.
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>> # 6 They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
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>> # 5 Police cars on track interfere with race.
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>> # 4 No passenger seat for the Ho.
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>> # 3 No Cadillacs approved for competition..
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>> # 2 When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
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>> AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
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>> NASCAR....... ........
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>> # 1 They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
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A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Walking 30 minutes a day can add to your life which enables you to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 70. Now he's 90 years old and we have no idea where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about $500. Haven't lost a pound... Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads... that’s my story and I'm sticking to it
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
`im in pretty good shape for the shape i`m in .. the state tropper who scared me straight the other nite asked me what kind of shape i was in ? i replied " i`m in great shape !!! want to get out and jog a mile or two ? he said No!! .. i mean how much have you had to drink .. but anywho .. the story is me and my grand dad used to hunt turkeys out on the back forty of his place ,, he was 93 .. we would run the turkeys up and down the hills till they gave out and wed` catch them ..his dad was 113 and could`nt be with us because he had to go to a wedding and get married .. why would a 113 year old man want to get married you ask ?? well i never said he " wanted to "'
Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
several years ago a plane full of pepsi and some salesmen crashed in the remote jungles of the amazon .. it took weeks to get to the wreckage .. but to no avail .. all there was left was a pile of bones .. the rescue crew asked some local natives what became of the passengers .. the natives replied .. "" we ate em "" :p.. in a bit of shock the rescuers asked . every bit of them ...? even their " things " ? .... :eek:.. noooooo said the natives ... " things go better with coke :LOL:.. on another note .. i knew there was a reason i dont care for coke ...
http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2...Ingredient.jpg
Dennys new breakfast combo
Dennys is now offering a new breakfast combo called the octomom breakfast.
It includes 8 eggs, no sausage, and the person sitting next to you gets to pay for it.
Daddy's car in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Don used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!
TEXAS
BLONDES
Three Blondes were all applying
for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three
of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect..
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features
and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about
this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only
one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a
profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see
one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last
blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...
'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds
and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture
and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and
said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking
at his picture?'
Are you ready for this????
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear,
he certainly can't wear glasses.'
A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'
Trucker's Breakfast...
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards.... are 2 slices of crisp bacon !
'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
I LOVE THIS ONE.......... .
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
Another Blonde Joke
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Two guys, (Bill and Bob) are driving along and there just minding their own drinking a few buds. Bill driving seen some flashing lights and says to Bob, "Hey, ain't that some cops up under way, with the road blocked?" Bob says "Yep, Well what are we gonna do with are beer?" Bill then said, "Well just drink the rest of what we got and take the labels off and stick it to our forehead and throw the bottles in the ditch"...So they did, they drank the last two then took the labels off and threw the bottles in the ditch, then stuck the labels on their forehead. Bill and Bob pulled up to the cops and Ronny the cop shined a flashlight in the pickup and asked them "You boys been drinking tonight?" And without a beat missed Bill replied "Nope, we're on the patch!"
Be careful what you ask for
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, an d shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
' God Bless America '
>> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
>> Shithead's.
>>
>> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0
>> in college was my blood alcohol content.
>>
>> 3. I live in my own little world
>> but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>>
>> 4. I saw a rather large woman
>> wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
>> said," Thyroid problem?"
>>
>> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause
>> I find I get the same effect just by standing up really
>> fast.
>>
>> 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:
>> "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>>
>> 7. Money can't buy happiness
>> but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>>
>> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I
>> really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>>
>> 9. If flying is so safe, why do
>> they call the airport the "terminal"?
>>
>> 10. I don't approve of
>> political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
>>
>> 11. The most precious thing we have
>> is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
>>
>> 12. If life deals you lemons, make
>> lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
>>
>> 13. I love being married. It's
>> so great to find that one special person you want to annoy
>> for the rest of your life.
>>
>> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes
>> for a buck at bowling alleys.
>>
>> 15. I am a nobody, nobody is
>> perfect, so therefore I am perfect.
>>
>> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous
>> record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
>>
>> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a
>> genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world
>> peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>>
>> 18. No one ever says "It's
>> only a game!" when their team is winning.
>>
>> 19. How long a minute is, depends
>> on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
>>
>> 20. Isn't having a smoking
>> section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
>> swimming pool?
>>
>> 21. Marriage changes
>> passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>>
>> 22. Why is it that most nudists are
>> people you don't want to see naked?
>>
>> 23. Snowmen fall from Heaven
>> unassembled.
>>
>> 24. Every time I walk into a
>> singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick
>> that up, you don't know where it's been.
>
>
>
>
You can tell these anywhere - without regard to age or company!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was cre ated out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
Regards All,
Glenn
A guy is out with buddies - has a few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."
A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;
'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a
Beep, beep, beep
The little boy yells out,
'Run for your life, she's backing up!!