What's that smell, she wispered!
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What's that smell, she wispered!
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the
eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting
go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified
parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter had watched the entire event.
The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the
most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do
in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really,
the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's
paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me,
what do you do for a living and what political
affiliations do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper out of
curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions,
and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
And that pretty much sums up the media's
approach to the news these days.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum'."
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
An old man and an old woman we're fooling around in the closet at a nursing home.
Things were getting hot and heavy. The woman says to the man:
"I should warn you, I have acute angina."
The man replied:
"Thank God, your tits look like hell!"
An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
" Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off the boats ?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:
" Lord tunderin' boyo, you be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin' boat "
A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
A fellow stopped at a rural service station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county council, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back...
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work!"
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
Officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,
so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!
Have you guys heard there is a new drug on the market for depressed lesbian women? The new drug brings joy back to their lives along with new found pleasure. What's this vastly new drug you ask? Trydixagain. :LOL:
A good friend of mine says her doctor of many years, is an Indian woman by the name of Aranus.
I told my friend that her gynecologist missed her proper specialization by two centimeters.:eek:
After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.
The rest of the year went smoothly
FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT, THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Not sure that this belongs in the Joke thread, as it's got a lot of truth but it's still funny...
Attachment 65056
You know what I think??
tick, tick, tick, tick...
Our old friend Ken Thurm posted this on FB, a lead in to the season.....
https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...ce&oe=56DDCB12
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. As Doug slips away, the nurse says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole had a paper route!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Holiday parties and driving experience---
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI!! It saved me!!
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from
time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a Christmas Party and
had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at
a great Mexican restaurant!!
Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they
waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be
anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi!!
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before.
I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Merry Christmas and be safe out there!
Unfortunately more truth than humor....;)
Attachment 65087
for my Canadian brothers
Noel, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Noel.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.
She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Noel and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Noel leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
Regardless of which political party you support, (and you'll notice I didn't mention one so no one would be offended and so this thread won't be deleted,) the following is a simple explanation of politics:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is Politics?"
Dad says " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her to be the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if that makes sense'"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that his baby brother has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peaks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says "Good, son, now tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about'"
The little boy replies "The Prime Minister is scr*wing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored while the Future is in deep sh*t."
The after event account of the replacement judge -
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Ah yes - the ol' chili cook off that's some funny stuff alright.
Been to a few myself that resulted in new underwear purchases and the dog howling and running away from my chair for fear of being blamed for the mushroom cloud emanating from the back door. Had to replace my Preparation H with Popsicles for a few days - Yes sir, nothin' like a good bowl of chili!! Jus' sayin'
A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE TURNING IN
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
Which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
Have developed a new hybrid grape .
That acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Read his letter below...
~Hi Sharon,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Remember, too: It was also a BAD DAY for the jellyfish!
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at WalMart for my dogs.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog - that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, She asked : "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?"
I said: No, not at all; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick myself and a car hit me.
The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!
WALMART won't let me shop there anymore.
i must admit, I was expecting it to be dog bitten by them trying to get the kibble from your pockets. I like yours better!
Quite frankly, Auto Correct, I'm getting very tired of your SHIRT!!!
I dibble that emotion!!!
Attachment 65161
!!!!!!!!!!
For those with an Iphone, type in Lardass and see what the auto correction is.....Your welcome!!
It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist that was speeding down Main Street
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say”
“And I told you to keep your yap shut! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
During a break between meetings, a man calls home on his cell phone. He’s across the country and the connection is not the greatest, but after several rings a small girl answers.
“Hello?”
“Hi honey. This is daddy. Is you mommy near the phone?”
"No daddy. She’s upstairs in your bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, he says, “Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs with mommy in your bedroom right now.”
After another brief pause daddy continues, “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, mommy got all scared and jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug and hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my gracious!! What about Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took all the water out of the pool last week to clean the bottom. He hit his head and I think he’s dead!”
“Ummm – swimming pool? Is this 206-597-5379?”
I think someone in Seattle will be getting a lot of strange calls.:rolleyes::LOL:
Jack.
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I
couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said that she loves older bald guys these days.
"Yeah," I added, "And just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
I was listening to the radio this morning, and the weather service was giving a pre-storm warning that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- A can of De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallons of gas in can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables
I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus.....
Romance
Barb was lying in bed one night. Al was falling asleep but Barb
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...
" Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Al threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day,
they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends
for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
SENIOR DRIVING
Vernon, a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his
wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on I-25. Please be careful!"
Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down
the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem
of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on
through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was
red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in
a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Please!!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!