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Since nearly everyone has an interest in education I thought this may explain the changes in teaching from the middle of last century through to the middle of this.
1. Teaching Maths In 1950s
A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What
is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1970s
A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or
$80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No
4. Teaching Maths In 1990s
A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is
$20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2000s
A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Maths In 2050
هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار . تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف الكثير من المال ولم؟
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All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."
"Good, then you fire her!!!"
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
"Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink, the bartender says. "In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you." and orders a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
"Sonny," the old woman replies, "when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. "Holding your water however, is a whole other issue "
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Differences Between You And Your Boss
If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's "only human".
If you're on a day off sick, you're "always" sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.
If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
If you please your boss, you're a boot-licker.
BUT if your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's away for important meetings.
If you ask to leave early, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss takes the afternoon off, it's because he's overworked.
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1 Attachment(s)
No Explanation needed
Attachment 62664
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OK so I stole this while looking up Boyle's Law
hank
Hell Explained in relation to Boyles Law EXO or ENDO? :)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving
into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one
of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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The Golfer's Confession
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
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Can anyone relate to this one? GRRRRRRRRRRR
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_-xTxP1hD4
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw 2 men by the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered the driver to stop so he could get out and investigate.
The lawyer ask one of the men, "why are you eating grass?"
The man replied "We have no money for food, so we must eat grass to survive" the poor man replied.
Well then, the lawyer replied, "you can come to my house and I'll feed you".
But sir, I have a wife and 2 children with me, they are over there, under that tree. said the poor man.
Bring then along, proclaims the lawyer.
The lawyer then turned to the other poor man and said, you may come with us also.
The second man says "but sir, I have a wife and SIX children with ME".
That's OK says the lawyer, bring them along.
So they all got into the limousine, and once under way, the first poor man says "Sir, you are too kind,"
"thank you for taking us along with you".
The lawyer replies, "glad to do it", "you will really love my house",
"the grass is almost a foot high."
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Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate
exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have
either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the
receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I
DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!
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Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says Silvio, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"
"Who said my Father's dead?''
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive! How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says Silvio. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."
"Well,' the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Nonno's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point.
"So. I suppose he went golfing with you this morning, too?"
"No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today"
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to get married?"
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AN AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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A church's bell ringer passed away.
The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job.
The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
They gave him the job on the spot.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below.
Two priests were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The other responded . . . . . . . . .
"No, but his face rings a bell."
Didn't see that comin' did ya?!?
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A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for
the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much
will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not
realize that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blond jokes."
A few hours later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her
along with a £10 tip.
"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an
Audi".
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Sewing on a wee button..........
Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god" what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, and she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread Mr. MacDonald walked in."
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement ...and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he is my right-hand man, and he is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."
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Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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I'm always a little skeptical when I read these these types of stories, but these seem to have the right feel.
Attachment 62744
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Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of Marine Corp Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300+ miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander demanding a response and criticizing the pilots and their tactics as well as questioning their intelligence at flying so near the Interstate.
Back came a reply in true USMC style:
Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the highly trained and very intelligent Marine piloting the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system mere seconds before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.
Thank you for your concerns.
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Cheers !!
Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
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My previous wife and I bought a water bed.....but we soon drifted apart
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I heard a good quote yesterday about bad luck
" If I fell in a swimming pool full of titties I'd come up sucking my own thumb"
cracked me up
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Now that's one of the best one's I've heard in a long time.
Thanks for the chuckle! :)
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Thanks, Mudduck, that is definitely a laugh maker. I often say that it takes a good bit to make me laugh, and that one did it.
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Police Harassment
Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum
with the local community (a question
and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of
the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a
cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista,
we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we
do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments
that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any
given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and
available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So
roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives
a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is
not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge
day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some
tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically
harass.
The tools available to us are as follow:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his
wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give
somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no
driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant
on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass
them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better
to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to
harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor
Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which
you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can
just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of
these listed offenses and harass them.
Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this
book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission
to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and
it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks
to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens
who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they
pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
It's one of our favorites. Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a
little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista.
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A 1st grade teacher was readiing the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the
story where first pig was trying to
gather the building materials for
his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to
the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the
class: 'And what do you think the man
said?'
One little boy raised his hand and
said very matter-of-factly, "I think
the man would have said, 'I'll be a
son of a bitch!! A talking pig!"
The teacher had to quietly leave the room.
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There were protesters outside my local grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America and our involvement in the Middle East.
I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly lady and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a soft voice, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”
The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in France in World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
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I could have pushed the 'like' button twice for that!
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A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.
Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.
Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......
The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."
The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?
The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."
"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."
The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"
"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're
not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you.
I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went directly into his
bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody Spell Check!!
Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to "your Wifi'."
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Not so Professional Sports ?
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:"I wan' all dem kids to do
what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
9. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'".
10. Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
11. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
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An oldie but goodie!
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
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TICK warning
[IMG]Tick%20warning[2].jpg[/IMG]
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An airline pilot is walking through an airport when he is approached by a young lady.
"Hello, I'm conducting a survey about the sexual habits of the nation. Would you mind telling me when you last had sex?"
"It was 1958" he replies
"Umm, if you don't mind me saying so, that seems quite a long time ago."
"Not really" says the pilot "its only 20:42 now."
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While strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.:cool:
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Snotty Receptionist
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS